My Dear Friend Who Taught Me to "Look".

I awoke to some very sad news.  My dear friend and counselor, Steve Perkins, unexpectedly passed away.  Steve’s counseling practice, Akron Family Institute, is a resource on my blog.  I have it there because this is where I went and this is where I received so much healing.  I wasn’t happy at all about going to marriage counseling, I didn’t want to need it.  But Steve was the best and it was worth being on the waiting list for him.  I am pretty sure I drove him crazy at times and tested his patience.  But he never showed it.  He had a way of making you feel like you were his only patient, his only concern, and that he genuinely cared.  And he did.

He was also our Stake Patriarch and gave 3 of my children their Patriarchal Blessings.  (This is important to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  For more information CLICK HERE.)  Because we shared the same faith he not only counseled me emotionally and intellectually, but spiritually as well.  He taught me that all I had learned to this point in my life about Jesus Christ was true.  He taught me that I needed to apply that belief now.  At one point he told me that I was putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Jesus Christ.  He was right.

I have pages and pages of notes from my sessions with him.  I don’t want to waste anything that I learned from him.  It is because of his loving guidance that Jeff and I are in recovery and are married today.

Each Sunday morning I walk about a half mile to church, which is not bad for living in China.  Today we had many things planned, our Church Christmas program, a baptism and a linger longer (potluck meal after church).  I was singing on the program, had a little part in the baptism and had rolls and soup for the linger longer.  Since I had to walk, I packed a wheeled cart to drag all of my stuff in.  I felt weighed down, not with all of the things in my cart, but the sadness of losing this dear friend.  

The day here was just beautiful.  Warm, blue skies...perfect.  As I walked along I saw a Chinese man walking the same path.  I didn’t think anything about it until I saw him stop and pick up an empty plastic bottle.  Then I saw him check the garbages for more bottles.  I had a little argument with myself of whether I should help him or not.  So I finally broke into a run (in my dress and flip flops) and caught up to him ready to give him some of the food in my cart.  “Ni Hao!” (My limited Chinese).  He said something back but I couldn’t understand.  So I tapped him on the shoulder and said again, “Ni Hao”.  Again he said something but I thought that if he could see me he would see that I had something to give him.  Something that would help him.  I tried to get in front of him, but he turned away.  He wouldn’t even look.  He just quickened his pace and went on his way.  

I had something to help him but he wouldn’t even look.  Would I?  Have I?  Yes!  This is a valuable lesson that I have learned from my dear friend, Steve Perkins.  To Look!  There is a great deal of help out there for recovery, but I have to look!  So, the lesson of Look is this:

Look!  And once you’ve looked then recognize the help.

Then once you’ve recognized the help have the humility to accept it.

Then once you’ve accepted the help have the wisdom to act on it.

Then once you’ve acted on it allow real change to happen for you....repeat as necessary.

 

It all begins with that first step, to look.  

I will not waste the things that I learned from this amazing man.  I will honor his memory by living the principles that he taught me.  My life is better because of him.  

My life is better because of YOU!  I am grateful for what I learn from you wonderful people!  Thank you.

And thank you Steve Perkins.  For you, I will be forever grateful.  My counselor, my teacher, my example, my friend.

The Peace Which Passeth All Understanding

Today I was very impressed with a scripture that I heard at church.  It is from the New Testament in Philippians 4:4-7 which says, “Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice.  Let your moderation be known unto all men.  The Lord is at hand.  Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

 

I want peace.  I want that peace of God that “passeth all understanding”.  I want Him to keep my heart and heal my heart.  It is clear that it comes through our Savior Jesus Christ.  I thought that the peace would come through my husband conquering his addiction.  I wanted an outside source to fix it so that I could feel inner peace.  But for me, that peace is coming a little bit at a time every day in a different way.  It is when I surrender my will to the Lord and understand that “The Lord is at hand”.  I don’t have to do gigantic things, just the things that I can right now.  

 

This week I am focusing on Step 3 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.

 

Step 3 is:

He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People

He is taking on my pains and He is taking on the sickness of addiction that Jeff is recovering from.  It is so easy for me to look at other situations and think, “They have it easy!  Their husband has never had this problem” or to think that someone has better recovery than I do.  But that isn’t my job.  It isn’t my job to determine what someone may or may not be experiencing.  My job is to allow healing into my life and receive it as it comes.   

Step 3 says:

No Blessings Will Be Denied

"We want to have eternal families, but our loved ones’ addictions can threaten our hopes.  Fearing we may lose our eternal family may cause us to experience significant feelings of grief.  We may find ourselves in a crisis of faith and be tempted to give up on Heavenly Father’s plan.  Many of us feel that we are just hanging on, clinging to God out of habit, reflex, or desperation.  It can be hard to move forward through the pain of broken promises and threatened dreams.  The choice we face is whether or not to have faith in God, even when we can’t see how God’s promises will be kept.

"Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

"'We cannot control and we are not responsible for the choices of others, even when they impact us so painfully.  I am sure the Lord loves and blesses husbands and wives who lovingly try to help spouses struggling with such deep problems as pornography or other addictive behavior or with the long-term consequences of childhood abuse. Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.’” 

Well...my beginning response to discovery was not at all loving, nor were any of my responses for a very long time, to be honest.  My emotions were all over the place.  But I really was doing the best that I could.  I've come to the realization that my "best" changes as my understanding, growth and healing changes.  Things may hurt now.  Really, really hurt!  But it is not how it will always be and it does not mean that there is no hope.  Perhaps the “peace that passeth all understanding” means that the answer is not something that is clear or obvious to me.  It is not in my current understanding, but that does not matter, the peace can and will come. 

Christmas is not far away right now.  My focus is celebrating the Prince of Peace.  Welcoming not just the infant Jesus into my home, life and heart, but Jesus the Christ who paid for my sins, my hurts, my pain, THIS pain.  I do not need to know HOW it is done, HOW he takes away my suffering and sins.  It is ok for it to “passeth” my understanding.  It is ok for me to exercise faith in Him. 

In the book Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, Rod Jeppsen says, “We often ask God to take us closer to His Son, and then when we have an opportunity to do just that, we fight it.  Let’s try not to fight it.  Let’s allow this experience to take us closer to the Savior, who is all-loving and has outstretched arms for each of us.  He will never forsake us!  We might think we can learn life’s most vital lessons by reading a book or taking a class; however, important principles of the gospel are usually learned in real life by going through hard experiences.  We might think we can learn them without stress, difficulty, or emotional pain, but that is not so.”

Through this experience with Jeff I have been given the gift to become closer to my Savior in a way that I never was before.  I work on it daily, some days I am more successful than others.  On days that feel are a “Fail” I realize that I was at least facing in the right direction even if I didn't seem to make any forward progress. :) 

 

One step at a time....even if it is stepping in place.

Once Upon a Thanksgiving...

Holidays and anniversaries are big triggers for me.  This year, thankfully, has been better than the last 3 Thanksgivings.  Right now, right in this moment, things are good for Jeff and I.  I hope it's real. I pray it's real, but I don't trust it completely and I don't know if I ever will.  But I have decided not to put that expectation on my table.  I am just recognizing that I'm trusting as much as I can at the moment, no matter what that means.

I didn't celebrate any holidays for at least a year after discovery, at best I just showed up.  Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving...I didn't plan for, I just got through the days.  I did as much as I could for my children's birthdays but for our wedding anniversary, my birthday and Jeff's...they were just another day. 

I didn't plan for the holidays because I didn't know if they would really happen, if our family would be together.  So for me it was easier not to plan.  The days come and go anyway, regardless of our level of planning. 

My focus was, and continues to be, on my healing.  It sounded selfish to me at first to think that I was focusing on me, but when I didn't focus on my healing, I had less to give.  The more I focus on my healing and the more I recover, the more I have to give.  It is one of those built in miracles that our Heavenly Father has for me and for all of us.

So, I think that after all these years I am finally understanding better what this holiday is all about.  A Holy Day.  A day to thank my Heavenly Father for His many gifts and today I am thankful for the gift of where I am in recovery and grateful for the reality of further recovery.  I am grateful that I didn't give up when I so desperately wanted to.  I am grateful for those that are on this same journey with me, for their faith, examples and selflessness. 

For this holiday - this Holy Day - I don't have tangible things to show for it, but I feel that I have much more than I ever have before.  I may not like the "car" that I have travelled in or the "bumps in the road", but I am grateful where this journey is headed.

Finally, even though I am repeating myself, I am truly grateful.

There is Hope

One of the first things I recognized I'd lost was Hope.  I was devastated, lost, empty, confused, depressed, angry, skeptical, ready to run, just wanting answers and an end to the pain. 

It has been 7 weeks since Jeff’s relapse and I wasn’t sure what the future would be on that first day, regardless of my feelings or situation there was still hope.  Hope does not guarantee the outcome that we think is right, but it does guarantee the outcome that our Savior knows is right. 

President Boyd K. Packer said in his last address, “The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars.  That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone.  And when He atoned, that settled that.  There are so many of us who are thrashing around...with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape.  You escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.

“The Atonement which can wash clean every stain no matter how difficult or how long or how many times repeated.  The Atonement can put you free again to move forward, cleanly and worthily, to pursue that path that you have chosen in life.”

I usually read things like this with the “sinner” in mind, (which we all are) but I went back and read it as spouse of an addict.  It was very different.  I have certainly been “thrashing around...not knowing quite how to escape”.  And President Packer is right.  We do escape by accepting Christ’s Atonement.  And then, “all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.”  Which brings us back to the unguaranteed outcome.  I don’t know what it will be, and I don’t have to.  I just need to keep looking for the Hope that is in Him and He will lift me.

In President Deiter F. Uchtdorf’s General Women’s Conference talk he told a parable called “A Summer With Great Aunt Rose”.  He said, “The Holy Ghost will help you to find the message for you in this parable.”  He quotes a conversation between Great Aunt Rose and her Great Grand Niece, Eva.  It goes as follows:

“There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy.  But I know people, who even when things don’t work out, focus on the wonders and miracles of life.  These folks are the happiest people I know.”

“But,” Eva said, “you can’t just flip a switch and go from sad to happy.”

“No, perhaps not, but God didn’t design us to be sad.  He created us to have joy!  So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life.  And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly , how many good things do?  Seems to me that the best things...take patience and work.”

No, there isn’t a switch, and I have been looking for one!  In those darkest moments that I have been in, and at the times that I have turned to God in prayer, He has answered me.  One very difficult day, the only words that I could get out in a prayer were, “Please help.”  The words that came to my mind after this were, “Be still, and watch and listen”.  I know that was a direct answer to my prayer in that critical moment. 

 My dear sweet sisters, we are so not alone in this.  He will not leave us.  He is our Hope.

My Hardest Post To This Point

So.  This is a very difficult post to make and one that I have been putting off. 

Relapse is something that I have feared from day one.  It is something that my husband had the goal of not doing, however, it has happened.  Now all of those sections on relapse that I skipped in books, I need to go back and read.  In the mean time there is some good that has come of this.  I know, that sounds so weird to say.

So, what are the good things?  He came to me to tell me and he didn't leave it for me to discover, although I was in the US and he was in China (that alone was super difficult).  He also told our Branch President and District President (our local religious leaders).  He offered to turn in his temple recommend (this is a big deal for a member of the LDS Church).  He emailed our counselor in the US.  He called my parents and told them and he told each of our children.  He also started the Fortify Program with my son.  Our counselor told him that he could use this relapse as a catalyst for recovery if he chooses to do so. 

Relapse is hard.  One of the resources I have on my list is Suncrest Counseling.  They have many free articles that are incredible resources.  Click HERE for a list of resources dealing with relapse.  To be honest these are articles that I skipped over because I didn't want to deal with relapse.  I felt like I had enough to deal with working on my own recovery.  I didn't want to entertain the possibility of relapse by being prepared for it.

My response to Jeff's relapse was numbness.  I was far away, I couldn't see him, see the reactions on his face, have any sense of honesty, remorse or anything.  I felt like I was just on hold, having to get through the next 2 weeks until I was back in China with him.  Once I got to China all of my held in feelings came out and I needed him to hear them.  I needed him to hear me and see me for who I am. 

Trust wasn't there completely before the relapse and I don't know where it is now.  It isn't even on the radar.  But I don't feel the devastation that I did with initial discovery.  That has been a blessing. 

In Rhyll Crowshaw's book What Can I Do About Me she says:
"God is doing things in our lives that sometimes hurt abominably.  They are very painful.  Yet what He is doing is transforming us from average women to exceptional women.  The process is not easy, and it's certainly not comfortable, but it is worth it.  What this process will do is refine us - whatever challenge we go through.  It is essential for us to understand that pain is often the pathway to progress."

If you don't know Rhyll's story, it is one worth reading.  She knows what she is talking about because she lived it and is living in recovery now. 

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:
"I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us.  He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know.  He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like.  And this will require us to accept with all our hearts - particularly your generation - the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives and that you have rendezvous to keep, individually and collectively."

Yes, relapse is not comfortable or something that I like.  But if I truly believe in the words of living prophets I do not have to stay in this moment. 

Elder Maxwell went on to say:
"The future 'you' is before him now.  He knows what it is he wishes to bring to pass in your life.  He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve.  Now, this will require us to believe in that divine design and at times to accept the truth which came to Joseph Smith wherein he was reminded that his suffering would be 'but a small moment'".
But for a Small Moment, Neal A. Maxwell BYU Speeches

It is important to understand that God is NOT DOING THIS TO US.  He did not inspire our husbands to act out in a sexual addiction.  What God did do is see the future "me" before him now.  He knew these would be choices that Jeff would make and he knew that it would affect someone.  He let me choose to marry Jeff, knowing what was ahead.  He is letting me grow in ways that I did not see coming or even think I could make it through.  He is also blessing me with many new friends that are walking along the same path in order to help and support each other.  But first and foremost, He sent His son, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to this earth before me.  Christ has already paid for Jeff's sins and he has already suffered for my hurts.  I am learning to give them to Him.  He paid for them.  They belong to Him.  Jeff can be free from sin and I can be free from suffering.  It can happen and one step at a time... it is.

"Everything Nourishes What is Strong Already"

I came across a quote that I must have read and heard 1000 times, but had not had the impact before that it did on me today.  It is from Jane Austin’s book, Pride and Prejudice.  Over the years I have become more and more a fan of her writings.  First it was the movies, loved them, but in going back and reading the words I find nuggets of wisdom.  I suppose that is why we need to read our scriptures and not watch a movie. The quote was delivered by Elizabeth Bennett, “Everything nourishes what is strong already”.

I have the privilege to have you, dear friends, who are examples of “what is strong already”.  Brave women, honest women, honorable women, great mothers, witnesses of Christ, amazing teachers, and just all in all, the example of what it means to be daughters of God.  So when you start in this journey, “strong already”,  and if “everything nourishes”’ how can something this life altering and devastating be nourishing?  Was Jane Austin up in the night, had no idea what she was talking about, or was she on to something?  I believe she was on to something. (Not ON something, which would be a whole other issue.) ;)

 

So often in this process I do not feel strong AT ALL or that I ever was.  As individuals whose lives have been affected by someone with a sex addiction, we have to give ourselves credit for what our lives were before and who we really are.  There was a lot of unknown preparation that we were going through for this moment.  Our minds were being prepared to handle what was coming, our bodies were being prepared to withstand the strain and our hearts were being prepared to learn to forgive.  We are stronger than we think.

The Oxford Dictionary defines “nourishing” as this: “Containing substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.”  

I often recognize that I am growing in ways that I never had before.  I am learning and understanding things that I just didn’t before.  My eyes have been opened to see things that I did not have the capacity to see and I am very grateful.  My gratitude is increasing and I am becoming less judgmental.  I didn’t think I was judgmental at all before this...but I believe I frequently mention how wrong I was in that.  Going through adversity is providing me with substances necessary for my growth, my spiritual health and my condition...which I hope is good. 

Russell M. Nelson said, “When we realize that we are children of the covenant, we know who we are and what God expects of us.  His law is written in our hearts.  He is our God and we are His people.  Committed children of the covenant remain steadfast, even in the midst of adversity.  When that doctrine is deeply implanted in our hearts, even the sting of death is soothed and our spiritual stamina is strengthened.”  Ensign, November 2011

One of the fundamental issues that our addicted loved one has is they do not know who they are.  They do not know that they are a precious child of God with the ability to change, repent and return.  In Ohio there has been a stretch of very dry weather.  I returned from China to find my beautiful Hydrangeas on the verge of loss.  Brown flowers, droopy leaves, and shriveled stalks.  Last night I stood with the hose and watered them.  I observed something interesting.  When water is put onto a plant where the ground is very dry, it does not absorb the moisture right away, in fact it allows it to run off, the very life giving water it allows to run away from the roots.  So the first watering doesn't do much.  But when the ground is moist already (strong already) the plant ground absorbs more water and delivers it right to the roots.  I wish I had taken a before and after picture of my plants.  I was astonished that by the time I had finished watering, these plants were already standing stronger, leaves fuller, not drooping as much and were healing.  This morning I walked out to these plants and was even more amazed at how much they had come back.  There are dead flowers, but they will be trimmed and new flowers, new growth will replace them.  The Lord gives us many opportunities to learn about ourselves through nature, and this was one for me.  We have the ability to return, recover, heal, and experience new growth and beauty.  Then what makes us strong is daily, constant nourishment.  Through this WE KNOW WHO WE ARE and we can stand beautifully!  Our loved ones have the same chance too.

Is My Spouse Really In Recovery?

#1 for me is the fear of my husband returning to his addiction.  Every character weakness, every behavior, every anniversary of the discovery date, everything that is in some way a reminder seems to breathe new breath into this fear.  I don’t want it.  It feels very heavy for me to carry.  I want to be able to lay this down at the feet of my Savior and experience joy in my life.  

I have recently heard the following questions and concerns:

“My husband confessed his addiction to me but won’t talk to me about it.  He gets defensive any time I bring it up.  Do you think it is a problem?”

“My husband gets calls on his phone that he doesn’t want seen.  Do you think that I should confront him about it?”

“He doesn’t give me access to his phone.”

“My husband changes passwords without telling me.”

“My husband won’t give me passwords or access to all of our financial records.”

“He quickly turns off his phone or computer when I come in the room.” 

I asked my husband, recovering porn addict, what his take on this and others and here is what he said:

“These are all red flags.  In my opinion these men are not in recovery.  If an individual is in active recovery they will not have any problem talking about it.  It isn’t the most comfortable thing, but it is what the situation is now.  The addict needs to have his spouse on his side.  They need to talk openly and often about it.  An addict in recovery will not have anything to hide.” 

Something that has been key in lifting my load is my being willing to let someone else help.  Support in recovery is a very important step.  My feeling is that as the spouse, I have been doing most things alone, parenting, day to day activities, etc.  It is hard and it is heavy, but it is not something that needs to or should be done alone.  The hope is that our spouse will choose recovery and become an active participant not only in his life, but back in our lives and the lives of our children.  But he has to work on his healing first and the reality is that he may not choose recovery.  Still, in this situation we are not alone. 

LDS Family Services outlined the following for the addict and for family members in need of support called Support in Recovery (found under "other resources" on this blog): 

Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost are our greatest sources of support. Recovery and healing are made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In addition the Lord often works through men and women to bless the lives of His children. All who participate in the addiction recovery program find that they are following the Lord’s counsel to “be faithful . . . succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (D&C 81:5).  

As addicts work to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they will benefit from the sources listed below.  

1.        Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting. Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to a happier way of life.  

2.        A support person, experienced in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing relapse.  

3.        Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is essential.  “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage [the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance” (True to the Faith, 134). 

4.        Family members can most effectively be a source of support by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own lives.  “Virtually everyone living in these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles” as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71).  On a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing it. 

5.       Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective when dealing with addiction.  When selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery. 

Participants will have different starting points when seeking support in recovery from addiction. Regardless of the way they start, as they attend recovery support meetings, participants are blessed to be in an environment where the seed of recovery can be planted in their hearts. 

In our experience we did all 5.  It was very important for us to do all 5 and continue to do them.  18 month minimum is the recommendation for counseling.  We were in counseling for 2 years and would continue to be in it if we were still in Ohio.  Participating in these weekly emails, virtually attending the meetings (I try to attend the Ohio group via Skype when I can) and doing my blog have been very helpful in lightening my load. 

I had a wonderful visit with my Branch President today in which he reminded me of some valuable advice given to me from my past Stake President, “Trust but verify”.  Trust will come, but it should not be forced and we should not feel bad because we do not have that yet.  It is earned and it is not all at once.  It will begin small and as it is nourished (verified) it will grow and continue to grow.  I told my husband that trust in the beginning of our marriage was a free gift.  Discovering his addiction shattered it.  It did not even exist any more.  Slowly it is coming, but it is coming, and I am verifying with him and not in secret.  If I look on his phone, I tell him.  If I read his emails, I tell him.  In the past he would have been furious, but now he sees it as a protection for him and for me and says, “It is just fine for you to read them, I don’t have anything to hide and it feels good not to have anything to hide.”

 

The website "Covenant Eyes" has a helpful post called:

10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?

 

Trust but verify.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pain Management

I had the great opportunity to attend an SA Lifeline meeting and met incredible women walking this same path.  Group meetings are so beneficial!  I have attended S Anon, LDS ARP and now SA Lifeline.  All are worthwhile and all have something to give.  I have been able to take something from each group to help in my personal healing.

Jeff recently hurt his shoulder and because we are in the middle of traveling (back in China now!) all he is able to do is pain management.  I thought about this and how it relates to being the spouse of an addict.  We are traveling.  It is down a path that we did not choose and there is a great deal of pain associated with it.  Because it is not of our choosing, we are experiencing something unexpected and something that we were unprepared for.  We may have been somewhat prepared (keeping the commandments, personal prayer, scripture study, fhe...) but we did not see this specific thing coming. 

Unexpected pain causes confusion and, at times, a delayed increase of pain as we come to understand what just happened.  By that I mean that we often experience greater pain after discovery as we become aware of what we are really facing.  Fear, anger, and doubt are friends of pain, but do not help us in our journey.  It is unrealistic to think that we will not experience them, we will!  No question there! 

In the book, Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, Rod Jeppsen says, "As we sort through all of the hurt, accept the feelings we are experiencing, and realize that we are human and have the right to our feelings, we can then begin to choose ways to soften or diffuse some of the negative emotions that usually make us feel trapped.  Running away from the uncomfortable feelings or telling ourselves we should not feel angry is not healthy for us because it usually makes us feel guilty and inappropriate guilt compounds our emotional stress and self-value.  As we make small steps of progress and choose healthy ways to deal with the negative emotions, we will avoid feeling hopeless even though we may experience strong feelings of disappointment and sadness along the healing path."

So, how do we sort through the genuine feelings that we have and bridge the gap between hurt, anger and fear and reach the land of healing?  In the Old Testament Isaiah talks about  this a bit.  He says:
Isaiah 61:1-3 "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."

Perhaps this scripture passage gives us some tools in our personal pain management and a promise of healing.  In my recovery I have been brokenhearted, captive and felt very much like a prisoner - being trapped.  It has been a mourning, mourning the life that I thought I had, mourning the person that I thought Jeff was.  But then comes the promise of healing.  We have the potential to receive Beauty instead of ashes, the Oil of Joy instead of mourning, the Garment of Praise instead of the spirit of heaviness.  In addition to all that, because God is the gardener and calls us "trees of righteousness" that are planted by Him, He is tending this garden. We will not walk alone.  He will help manage our pain and carry us when it is too much, until we are ready to release it and surrender it to Him.  Release and healing comes through processing and understanding. A friend in our healing is TIME.  Don't be afraid to give yourself the gift of time.

Attending support groups is a healthy way of bridging this gap and dealing with negative emotions.  It is in these rooms where we are able to share when we feel safe to share and learn from others who share experiences.  This helps our individual healing progress on a steadier climb. (I won't commit to the word STEADY because it is all but that!)

We can do this girls!  We are awesome!  We are strong!  We are beautiful!  We deserve happiness, healing, and joy...... AND it is possible!

We All Have Broken Bows

It is "Crazy Season" in the Jackson home right now.  2 weddings, a high school graduation, an eagle project, a missionary coming home and a missionary leaving.  I knew that life would be busy having 6 children close together, and it is.  Thankfully I have been blessed with friends and family who have gone above and beyond in helping me get through this.

 Before I discovered my husband's addiction I could never have imagined making it through a summer like this and still be sane...ok, well, maybe not sane but at least still be standing!  Sending my oldest son to college 7 years ago was devastating to me and I experienced severe depression.  I was not equipped to say goodbye for an extended period of time to a child that I had brought into this world.  After all activities were done for the day, my nightly routine was to make sure all doors and windows were locked, all children were in their beds and then the lights went out.  The house was now secure, children safe, and I could sleep.  One step at a time I learned how to move into a "new normal" without having all of my children in my home and not being able to ensure they were in bed and safe for the night.  Surrendering our control is difficult.  But it is possible, it is necessary and part of the learning and healing process.

On Saturday morning I was ironing tablecloths for the second wedding open house and I put on a BYU Speeches talked entitled, "When Your Bow Breaks" by Jennifer Paustenbaugh.  She talks about the Prophet Nephi in the Book of Mormon and the experience he had when he had the responsibility to get food for his family.  In this process his metal bow broke.  This was devastating!  They are in a wilderness, few provisions, being able to get food with this bow was not a luxury, it was necessary for their survival.  The scripture records the anguish that other family members went through and frustrations that they expressed.  However, Nephi did not complain or murmur.  Instead he worked to improve his situation. 

 Dennis L. Largey said, "Instead of murmuring, Nephi simply went to work and made another bow.  Murmuring wastes time, lengthens one's journey, and hardens one's heart...God may not always stop bows from breaking, but he does help in the construction of new ones." 1991 Sperry Symposium

We have experienced the shattering of our bows.  The loss of our safety, loss of relationships (or at least what we thought they were), fear for our children, fear for our future, anger for our losses, anger for our pain, hurt from being a victim and hurt for not seeing this coming, to name a few. 

Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”  Trust in the Lord, November 1995

Growth?  Sheesh!  I don’t want more growth!  But…I suppose it will still come.  So in the mean time I will continue to recover and strengthen myself.  Hugh B. Brown was asked about the Old Testament story of Abraham when he was commanded by the Lord to sacrifice Isaac.  Even though there are many lessons here, humility, obedience, sacrifice, Elder Brown said that the purpose of it was, “Because Abraham needed to learn something about Abraham.”

Growth and broken bows means that Susan needs to learn something about Susan.  Dang it! ;) Oh well.  Still on this journey…..one step at a time.

I Just Found Out About My Spouse's Addiction...Now what?

For me that day was March 11, 2012. In the beginning moments of discovery my life was in absolute chaos.  I am very grateful for those individuals that were there for me and helped me in those dark days.   I was given great resources, but what I felt was missing was some sort of "triage kit" for someone that had just been hit by a train.

Two weeks after discovering my husband’s addiction I wrote a letter to someone that may be going through the same thing.  (My attempt at a triage kit.) I didn’t have a name or know of any particular situation, so really I was writing it to myself.  In that time where things were very new, this is the advice that I was giving:

1. The addict needs to tell their spouse. Take her by the hands, look into her eyes, tell her that you have something really hard to tell her and that you need her help.
2. Go TOGETHER to the bishop. Do not hesitate. Go immediately!!! Do not let any time pass because Satan will pacify the feelings and try to convince you that the embarrassment is too great to face or your bishop will not understand. This is a great lie! He is your bishop for this very reason. Let him help.
3. Start the 12 step program. Go to the support group meetings for spouses and for those with the addiction. Go to the first available one. Dig deep into your courage, get past your pride, fear, embarrassment and go!
4. Let her express her anger, knowing that he has breached the most sacred relationship we have on this earth, an eternal marriage. Her emotions will swing like a pendulum daily and even several times a day, she needs to know this is perfectly normal because the human mind is trying to protect her from this shock.
5. Both need to find a friend that they can confide in, someone that is not each other. Someone that will listen and not be judgmental, but will keep this confidential.
6. Wake up each morning and put one foot in front of the other. Eat, you won’t feel like it, but eat.
7. Have 30 minutes of personal time with the Lord (some days are 1 minute of scripture study and 29 minutes of prayer, some days are 29 minutes of scripture study and 1 minute of prayer).
8. She needs to know and find a way to believe for herself that this has nothing to do with her (this is the hardest!!!). She cannot fix it, she could not have prevented it. It was his choice.
9. Go to counseling – do not skip this step! Call LDS Family Services or other qualified counselors and get right in to counseling. (Now 3 years from the time I wrote this I cannot stress this one enough!  Individual and marriage counseling is vital.) This may not be covered by your insurance but is worth every penny.
10. Recognize the hand of the Lord in your life every day, the application of his atoning sacrifice, the reality of his grace and savor the moments of peace. They will come.
11. Get back into everyday life as early as possible, especially for the kids. Depending on the age of the kids, tell them just as much as they need to know. They don’t need to know the gory details, but they do need to learn that everyone makes mistakes, the reality of the atonement and they need to KNOW what a horrible monster pornography is. They need to decide at a young age that they will leave it alone, run from it, feel toward it as though it were a dangerous, poisonous snake that would strike at them to kill if they got the tiniest bit close to it.
12. Don’t let Satan win. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Every time he puts an image into your mind he is saying how stupid you are, how weak you are and “Just watch, I can have you. I did before and I can have you again so easily. Just watch.” Don’t let him win.
13. Realize that this is not a one time, easy or quick fix. This will be a lifelong battle where you must be fortified every day.
14. Have courage. Believe him. Believe that he can truly change you if you will let him. Remember what Paul said to the Corinthians 5:17-19 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.” Believe that he has power to do this, to make you a new creature. Both of you.
15. Visit and use the resources on  http://addictionrecovery.lds.org  –an LDS Church sponsored website.
16. Know that you are not alone. You are not the first couple to go through this and you won’t be the last. Satan’s plan is to destroy your family, to damage your heart, to grasp your children and destroy the good that they will do in their future lives. Do not let him win. Get through the pain, it is possible. It will not seem possible for a while, but give it some time. Christ came for this. He came for you.
17. Know that you are loved. By your husband, your family, your friends, your Savior, your God.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell, when struggling with his cancer, gave the following inspiration on hope:

“Real hope keeps us ‘anxiously engaged’ in good causes even when these appear to be losing causes on the mortal scoreboard. Likewise, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination—not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to ‘endure … well’ to the end.”

So, that is my advice from the first two weeks.  I agree with it still and I can’t believe I had the presence of mind to write it!  I was a mess! 

Now, three years later my top 16 are:

1. Ecclesiastical Support
2. Prayer
3. Personal Scripture Study
4. Counseling (medication if needed - I needed it!)
5. Support Groups - Go to meetings!  Go to meetings! Go to meetings!
6. Daily work your own program (12 Steps)
7. Keep a journal
8. Know of your great worth
9. Educate yourself
10. Believe in yourself
11. Believe in hope
12. Don't run faster than you have strength
13. Have courage
14. Know that you are not alone
15. Practice "Self Care" (Click on "Self Care" and then scroll down on the page it takes you to.  It is below the picture.)
16. Let feelings pass.  Anger, hurt, fear, doubt are feelings, not answers.  When they come in the big monstrous waves that they do...hold on...they will pass.

Through all of this we come to know our Savior in a way that we never did before.  We believe that we truly are daughters of God and that he loves us.  We know of our divinity and our infinite worth and we have the ability to reach out and share that knowledge with others.  We can rely on the precious gift of the Atonement to lift and take away our burdens, to heal our deep wounds and strengthen us.  And we can see how the Atonement can do this for others too.

Oh, and did I mention GO TO MEETINGS! GO TO MEETINGS!  GO TO MEETINGS!!  :)

To find an ARP meeting click HERE.

There are many resources on this blog.  The one that helped me the very most (other than scriptures and articles on lds.org) is salifeline.org and the book "Understanding Pornography".  (If it is out of stock, scroll down, there is a free PDF) It has a huge section of questions and answers about pornography (which is really sex addiction).  I didn't even know what questions to ask, so it was very helpful. 

My friend, here is a great big HUG!  Sure wish I could be there in person to give it to you.  Just know, you have a friend here.
***An additional resource: For Parents & Leaders (really stuff EVERYONE should know.)

Learning From The Past

20 years ago we were living in Texas, I had 3 kids and no idea that I was married to a pornography addict.  A new woman moved into my ward (LDS Church congregation) with 4 small children.  She moved in to her sister's home after having just gone through a divorce.  Her children were the same ages as mine, so I invited them all over for a play date.  Through the course of the day she told me her story.

Met her returned missionary husband, married in the temple, after some years she discovered that he was doing pornography.  She tried to work with him and finally it came down to a choice that she gave him.  Choose the porn or choose your family.  He chose the porn. 

I felt horrible.  I couldn't understand how this could happen at all, especially to someone that had made the right choices herself.  She then said to me, "Susan, you need to ask Jeff about pornography."  Snidely I thought to myself, "Oh yeah.  I'll get right on that."  But I told her that I would.  We finished the play date and I was very uneasy, smiling on the outside and on the inside thinking, "How dare you.  How dare you come into my home and accuse my husband of this.  Just because your life is falling apart doesn't mean that mine is!"

Yeah.  I'm not proud of that moment.  I call that my "Snotty Self-righteous Self".  Sadly I do not remember ever having that woman over to my home again.  I do not remember any other conversations with her.  I selfishly moved on.

When Jeff came home that night, since I had promised her that I would talk to him, I did.  However, I did it in a very unproductive way.  This is what I said, "You will never believe what happened today!" and I told him about the conversation.  Then I said, "Thank heavens that is something we will never have to deal with, will we."  I said it as a statement, not a question. Unsafe.  He just looked down and mumbled, "Mmm hmmm." If there was a moment that he wanted to tell me about his addiction, he wouldn't have chosen this one because I just made it unsafe.  But I didn't know that.  I thought I was supporting him.  I thought I was showing him how much faith that I had in his good choices and that he wasn't "that type" of person.  I thought he was responding with compassion and felt sorry for the family.  It never occurred to me that he was hiding something himself.

I've taken myself back to that moment countless times in the last 3 years.  Wondering what would have happened if I had handled things differently.  Wishing that I could have not been my "Snotty Self-righteous Self" and compassionately, without judgment, opened up to this sister that was so in need.  Sadly I cannot even remember her name, but I wish I could find her and tell her that I am so sorry.

Since I cannot go back and change things that happened in that moment, I can move forward and learn from it.  Today I opened the Gospel Library (app on www.lds.org) and found the General Conference that was given at that time.  Spring 1995.  I wondered if there were things there that could have prepared me had I allowed myself to be prepared to hear Jeff's confession.  Yep.  Lots.

The Power to Heal from Within by Merrill J. Bateman
Living Water to Quench Spiritual Thirst by Joseph B. Wirthlin
Covenant of Love by Aileen H Clyde
Search for Identity by Monte J. Brough
....to name a few.

But the one that spoke to me the most is:
Answers to Life's Questions by M. Russell Ballard

In this he said, "We tend to think of agency as a personal matter.  If we ask someone to define 'moral agency,' the answer will probably be something like this: 'Moral agency means I am free to make choices for myself,'  Often overlooked is the fact that choices have consequences; we forget also that agency offers the same privilege of choice to others.  At times we will be affected adversely by the way other people choose to exercise their agency.  Our Heavenly Father feels so strongly about protecting our agency that he allows his children to exercise it, either for good or evil."

This is one of those things that I "knew" but I didn't internalize and "know".  I hadn't had any really adverse experiences with being directly affected by someone I loved misusing their agency.

Elder Ballard went on to say, "By focusing on and living the principles of Heavenly Father's plan for our eternal happiness, we can separate ourselves from the wickedness of the world.  If we are anchored to the correct understanding of who we are, why we are here on this earth, and where we can go after this mortal life, Satan cannot threaten our happiness through any form of temptation.  If we are determined to live by Heavenly Father's plan, we will use our God-given moral agency to make decisions based on revealed truth, not on the opinions of others or on the current thinking of the world."

I love any quote that teaches ways that we can be protected from the adversary.  This is one of them, and it is always the same foundation...faith, repentance, forgiveness, obedience, grace, mercy and love.