D-Day Approaches...

March is very difficult for me because it holds my “d-day”, March 11^th.  You may even be reading this on that very day which marks 4 years since discovery.  Anniversaries of “d-day” are really hard.  On the first anniversary ALL of the memories and feelings came back in an unexpectedly enormous wave.  I was very caught off guard and knocked to my knees.  The second one was hard but wasn’t as bad as the first.  Now I am heading into the third one, dreading the worst and hoping for the best.

Step 3  in the Spouse and Family ARP Guide is, “He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People”.  If ANYONE needs "pains and sicknesses" taken away it's me!  The spouse of an addict.  In the beginning I didn’t understand the feelings that I was experiencing.  My emotions were all over the place like huge pendulum swings.  I wanted to run to Jeff and at the same time I wanted to run from him.  When things went wrong, he was the one that I would go to, but now HE was the thing that was wrong.  I would feel there was hope and then I couldn’t see that there was even a glimmer.  What I didn’t know I was experiencing is called “Betrayal Trauma”.

The Lord has promised me that He will take my burdens and He will heal my heart.  Over the Chinese New Year our family visited Israel (which by the way was very safe) and spent most of our time in Jerusalem.  There is an excitement about just being in a city that holds so much history.  I had hoped for a great spiritual experience at the Mount of Olives, but had an altogether different one.

I had romanticized standing in an olive garden and having an experience that would witness the reality of the atonement.  I thought that by being in the places where my Savior stood, having made the long pilgrimage there, I would have that manifestation. Instead it was a cold, rainy day with a really obnoxious tour guide. But all was not lost in Israel. Those sweet assurances that Christ lived and lives came in quiet, unexpected moments. It is not the location of my physical body that makes the difference, it is the location of my heart.

The most significant experience that I have had with the Atonement had already come in a little town in Ohio.  For me it was through this process of repentance and forgiveness.  I didn’t get to stand in the same garden as my Savior, I wasn’t in the garden with Him as he first made the Atonement,  but my sins were.  My pains were, my fears, anger, tears, hurts, they were all there.  This very experience and everything associated with it was paid for there and today it remains paid for.  Because of this, He knows me.  Because of this I can heal.

On this journey of healing there have been many writings of latter-day prophets and apostles that I have heavily leaned on.  Elder Richard G. Scott’s are some of them.  His words have spoken such solace to my soul.  One thing that he said is, “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord….Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior”.  (Might I add that this is easier said than done...nevertheless it is a true principle.)

On Sundays I try to do this a little each week.  As I enter the chapel I view the sacrament table as an altar.  I picture myself bringing my broken heart and my contrite spirit (this means the burdens that I am carrying) to that altar and lay it there at the feet of the Savior.  As I renew my covenants with Him and take upon His name I feel His love for me and the reality that He has all power to take this from me as I am willing to give it to Him.  And I am....even if it is a little at a time.

Yesterday, with this "d-day" in mind I feebly let drop from my fingers hurt, pain and fear that I have been carrying into this week.  I didn't let it all go, but enough to feel lighter.  Oh that grace...that amazing grace...it works.  And in the words of Dieter Uchtdorf..."It Works Wonderfully"!

Boundaries

Boundaries are hard!  Not something that I had clear in my mind for a very long time.  I understood the need for them, I learned that they would be valuable in my recovery, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around how to decide what they were and how to go about setting them.   

I have discovered that it all comes down to choice and freedom.  My choice and my freedom.  I had felt so trapped, mostly behind barriers that I had set up in my mind.  I wasn't stuck.  I could leave at any time or I could decide to stay.  I could make any choice that I wanted to, but like my husband, those choices would come with a pre-set package of consequences.   

Recently I came across a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  I have not read the whole thing, but the part that I have read I really like.  I had wanted Jeff to set his own boundaries and tell me the lines that he wouldn’t cross, I wanted my counselor to show me where the line was but neither of those things happened.  I had and have to decide what is ok and what isn’t.  I have to decide if my boundaries are coming from anger or love.  The reason for this is the place that my boundaries come from is the place that I am guiding my part of the marriage to.  If I want to recover a marriage based on love, that is where my boundaries need to come from.  That really didn’t make it any easier to set boundaries for me, it is still hard. 

This is where the book Boundaries comes in. In this book is a chapter called Boundaries and Your Spouse.  In it Drs. Cloud and Townsend say this: 

“We have looked at our basic inability to change another person.  A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going.  Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path.  When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has.  Contrast these ways of reacting:
Before Boundaries:
Stop yelling at me.  You must be nicer.
After Boundaries:
You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.
Before Boundaries:
You’ve just got to stop drinking.  It’s ruining our family.  Please listen.  You’re wrecking our lives.
After Boundaries:
You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want.  But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos.  The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there.  Your drinking is your choice.  What I will put up with is mine.
Before Boundaries:
You are a pervert to look at pornography.  That’s so degrading.  What kind of a sick person are you anyway?
After Boundaries:
I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines.  It’s up to you.  I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me.  Make up your mind and choose.

    These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over – yourself – and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.

The Law of Evaluation
    When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt.  In evaluating the pain that your boundaries setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together.  When you set boundaries, be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.
    Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them.  Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
    Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person.  You are not demanding that your spouse do something – even respect your boundaries.  You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do.  Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.  Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse.  It is the opposite.  It is giving up control and beginning to love.  You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."
(Boundaries Cloud/Townsend pgs 164-165) 

I was pleasantly surprised how the things that they say in setting boundaries goes so much with Step 8 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide.   

I often tell people that I did not begin to get Jeff back until I really let go of him.  The principle of surrender is a large part of boundaries.  I have had to surrender so many things that I thought I had, give them up, put things in the Lord’s hand and trust.  Boundaries are necessary.  We have them lovingly given to us by our Heavenly Father and they are called commandments.  They aren’t to hold us down, they are to give us wings.  They are guardrails to safety and not bars to keep captive.  If we are able to pattern our boundaries after the way the Lord has set them for us, we will be successful in our recoveries. 

I really appreciated this section of Step 8:
Be Firm and Steadfast

How to Set Limits or Consequences
    “As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord’s guidance.  There is not one approach that is right for everyone.  The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us. 
    “There are, however, certain principles that can guide us in setting limits or consequences for our family members.  For example, our limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency  - they must be centered on what we can and will do rather than on what we want or expect someone else to dl.  they should be inspired by love, not by anger or punishment.  Limits or consequences should be clear and concrete.  They may involve a natural result of actions taken.  We can start with simple and specific limits we can implement.  For example, and appropriate place to begin is to insist that our homes be free from pornography, addictive substances, or related negative influences.
    “We should anticipate that our limits will be challenged and consequences will need to be enforces.  But we can also keep in mind that mistakes are learning opportunities, Therefore, if we establish a consequence for some action, it must be something we are willing to carry out in the spirit of love and learning.  The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  it may be helpful to discuss our plans of action with a trusted adviser or other responsible party.  This helps us to evaluate our thinking and to be alert for any motive or consequence that is not based on true and loving principles.  The Lord will help us and sustain us as we carry out these actions for the safety of our family.  His influence brings peace into our lives and the lives of our loved ones.” 

A few of the boundaries that I have set are:

·         No porn.  None!  No acting out in any way!

·         If there is a relapse he tells me within 24 hours.

·         He answers all of my questions honestly.

·         He goes to counseling (at least he did when we were in the US...we have no counselor available in China.  We were in counseling for 2 years.)

·         He goes to a 12 step meeting (he currently leads a group in China)

·         He frequently gives me validation of where he is in his recovery, not just when I ask.

These are some boundaries that have worked for me and they are as individual as each marriage.  Pray for direction and the ones that you need will come clear to you. 

Be courageous, strong and steadfast my friends!  It is a battle worth fighting.  Our personal individual recovery is worth it and, if our spouse is willing to try, our marriages are worth it too.  The Lord isn’t done with us and has many wonderful things ahead.  We may not be able to see it now, but as we allow Him to, He will guide us through.  I am in a much better place today than I ever could have seen.  Healing happens.  I am so grateful.

 

The Blown Glass Temple

When we were married we received a beautiful blown glass figurine of the Salt Lake Temple.  Over the years we went through three of these due to six kids and me being accident prone.

It was the Valentines Day before I discovered my husband’s addiction and I tried to rekindle the romance in our marriage.  I knew that something was wrong, we were distant from each other, and I thought it would be helpful if I gave Jeff gifts that were reminders of our wedding day.  One was a new blown glass temple to replace the other 3 that broke.  The day that I discovered his addiction I took it from the shelf and threw it in the trash.  It didn’t take much for it to shatter.

I told him that our marriage was that delicate blown glass temple. When I found out about his addiction it felt like he took a sledge hammer, smashed it and then handed me a bottle of Elmer's glue to fix it.  There were overwhelming feelings at the beginning and I felt helpless, not knowing where to begin or if healing was even possible.  Much like the feeling of holding a bottle of glue, looking at that pile of shattered glass and becoming aware of the impossible task of putting it all back together. How could I ever begin?

The glass temple - our marriage

The sledge hammer - addiction
Smashing it - acting out
The bottle of glue - sometimes his recovery, other times mine

When we try to repair this shattered temple he sees himself working hard (which he is) and thinks that he’s making a difference in that pile of glass. I see myself working hard (which I am) and I think I’m also making a difference on that same pile.

The truth is that neither of us is making great progress on rebuilding that temple.  Sifting through the glass for me is PTSD, reliving the hurt and replaying the events, feeling hopeless, hurt, anger, no trust, etc.  Through this I end up injured and bleeding. Shards of glass go deep into my fingers and I need assistance in getting them out.  When he sifts through the glass he feels my hurt, anger, mistrust and the negative feelings that fed the addiction; also resulting in injured bleeding fingers that too will be in need of help.

Two people who’d never been in this situation before and don’t have the knowledge, tools, experience or expertise of how to fix it.  

This recognition takes steps 1-9 of the Addiction Recovery Program. The next step is full surrender of all the pieces to where the temple originally came from.

The hands of the Maker. 

It is only He who can melt down the glass and reform it to its original beauty.  This is the promise of real recovery. The process takes extreme temperatures (refiner's fire) and letting go all pieces into another's hands (true surrender and trust in God). Even when we surrender the pieces, we have never really given up ownership of the temple, just loaned it back to the one that fashioned it in the first place.  

Now we make Him an integral part of our healing process. After of all of this He does not ask a price, He reminds us that He paid for it long ago. Through this we are able to feel love and gratitude for Him and from Him. Then, if we’re willing, we can start to feel the love for each other and begin to fill that beautifully repaired, renewed temple with steps 10-12, Daily Accountability, Personal Revelation from God, and Service to others.

*photograph used with permission
Sculpting in Motion Inc.

There is Hope

One of the first things I recognized I'd lost was Hope.  I was devastated, lost, empty, confused, depressed, angry, skeptical, ready to run, just wanting answers and an end to the pain. 

It has been 7 weeks since Jeff’s relapse and I wasn’t sure what the future would be on that first day, regardless of my feelings or situation there was still hope.  Hope does not guarantee the outcome that we think is right, but it does guarantee the outcome that our Savior knows is right. 

President Boyd K. Packer said in his last address, “The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars.  That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone.  And when He atoned, that settled that.  There are so many of us who are thrashing around...with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape.  You escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.

“The Atonement which can wash clean every stain no matter how difficult or how long or how many times repeated.  The Atonement can put you free again to move forward, cleanly and worthily, to pursue that path that you have chosen in life.”

I usually read things like this with the “sinner” in mind, (which we all are) but I went back and read it as spouse of an addict.  It was very different.  I have certainly been “thrashing around...not knowing quite how to escape”.  And President Packer is right.  We do escape by accepting Christ’s Atonement.  And then, “all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.”  Which brings us back to the unguaranteed outcome.  I don’t know what it will be, and I don’t have to.  I just need to keep looking for the Hope that is in Him and He will lift me.

In President Deiter F. Uchtdorf’s General Women’s Conference talk he told a parable called “A Summer With Great Aunt Rose”.  He said, “The Holy Ghost will help you to find the message for you in this parable.”  He quotes a conversation between Great Aunt Rose and her Great Grand Niece, Eva.  It goes as follows:

“There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy.  But I know people, who even when things don’t work out, focus on the wonders and miracles of life.  These folks are the happiest people I know.”

“But,” Eva said, “you can’t just flip a switch and go from sad to happy.”

“No, perhaps not, but God didn’t design us to be sad.  He created us to have joy!  So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life.  And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly , how many good things do?  Seems to me that the best things...take patience and work.”

No, there isn’t a switch, and I have been looking for one!  In those darkest moments that I have been in, and at the times that I have turned to God in prayer, He has answered me.  One very difficult day, the only words that I could get out in a prayer were, “Please help.”  The words that came to my mind after this were, “Be still, and watch and listen”.  I know that was a direct answer to my prayer in that critical moment. 

 My dear sweet sisters, we are so not alone in this.  He will not leave us.  He is our Hope.