D-Day Approaches...

March is very difficult for me because it holds my “d-day”, March 11^th.  You may even be reading this on that very day which marks 4 years since discovery.  Anniversaries of “d-day” are really hard.  On the first anniversary ALL of the memories and feelings came back in an unexpectedly enormous wave.  I was very caught off guard and knocked to my knees.  The second one was hard but wasn’t as bad as the first.  Now I am heading into the third one, dreading the worst and hoping for the best.

Step 3  in the Spouse and Family ARP Guide is, “He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People”.  If ANYONE needs "pains and sicknesses" taken away it's me!  The spouse of an addict.  In the beginning I didn’t understand the feelings that I was experiencing.  My emotions were all over the place like huge pendulum swings.  I wanted to run to Jeff and at the same time I wanted to run from him.  When things went wrong, he was the one that I would go to, but now HE was the thing that was wrong.  I would feel there was hope and then I couldn’t see that there was even a glimmer.  What I didn’t know I was experiencing is called “Betrayal Trauma”.

The Lord has promised me that He will take my burdens and He will heal my heart.  Over the Chinese New Year our family visited Israel (which by the way was very safe) and spent most of our time in Jerusalem.  There is an excitement about just being in a city that holds so much history.  I had hoped for a great spiritual experience at the Mount of Olives, but had an altogether different one.

I had romanticized standing in an olive garden and having an experience that would witness the reality of the atonement.  I thought that by being in the places where my Savior stood, having made the long pilgrimage there, I would have that manifestation. Instead it was a cold, rainy day with a really obnoxious tour guide. But all was not lost in Israel. Those sweet assurances that Christ lived and lives came in quiet, unexpected moments. It is not the location of my physical body that makes the difference, it is the location of my heart.

The most significant experience that I have had with the Atonement had already come in a little town in Ohio.  For me it was through this process of repentance and forgiveness.  I didn’t get to stand in the same garden as my Savior, I wasn’t in the garden with Him as he first made the Atonement,  but my sins were.  My pains were, my fears, anger, tears, hurts, they were all there.  This very experience and everything associated with it was paid for there and today it remains paid for.  Because of this, He knows me.  Because of this I can heal.

On this journey of healing there have been many writings of latter-day prophets and apostles that I have heavily leaned on.  Elder Richard G. Scott’s are some of them.  His words have spoken such solace to my soul.  One thing that he said is, “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord….Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior”.  (Might I add that this is easier said than done...nevertheless it is a true principle.)

On Sundays I try to do this a little each week.  As I enter the chapel I view the sacrament table as an altar.  I picture myself bringing my broken heart and my contrite spirit (this means the burdens that I am carrying) to that altar and lay it there at the feet of the Savior.  As I renew my covenants with Him and take upon His name I feel His love for me and the reality that He has all power to take this from me as I am willing to give it to Him.  And I am....even if it is a little at a time.

Yesterday, with this "d-day" in mind I feebly let drop from my fingers hurt, pain and fear that I have been carrying into this week.  I didn't let it all go, but enough to feel lighter.  Oh that grace...that amazing grace...it works.  And in the words of Dieter Uchtdorf..."It Works Wonderfully"!