I Want to be Comfortable in My Own Skin

I have body image issues.  I did before discovery because I didn’t feel attractive to my husband, and had no idea that it was because of his addiction.  After I found out about his addiction I lost 20 pounds through depression.  Then I didn’t feel that it was safe to go back to the weight that I was when I first discovered it.  I still struggle daily with that.  I feel like weight is something that I can control, I can keep myself out of that unsafe area through my actions and it is something that is strictly mine.  But I know that it is not emotionally healthy yet.

 

I know that I cannot compete with the images, etc that Jeff saw, my body has produced 6 amazing children.  It has gotten large, labored very heavily in bringing these children in the world, is scarred from a c-section and with stretch marks from carrying big boys.  I do not look at those stretch marks or the saggy skin that remains and think how beautiful it is.  I have contemplated a tummy tuck to get rid of it, but then I think of how vain that really is and that these scars, stretch marks and saggy skin are my trophy for sacrificing my body so that 6 others might have theirs, giving Jeff the gift of 6 children.

 Still, I don’t feel beautiful.  I am an emotional eater and I love having the feeling of being full.  Then I count the calories and see the damage that I’ve done, cut way back the next day or work out extra to “pay for” what I’ve done.  Ultimately I want to be happy in my own skin.  I want to be healthy and feel beautiful, but I don’t hear those words as often as I need to.  I usually have to ask.  Although to my husband's credit he does say it more often than he ever did before. 

I don’t know why their addiction has to be so damaging to us, but it is. 

So, that is my acknowledgement of where I am and how I believe I got here. 

Now, where I should be is knowing that I am a BEAUTIFUL, RADIANT DAUGHTER OF GOD!!!  I've heard all the lessons and many times I've taught them.  I believe we are taught lessons of our self worth from the time that we are small so that when the storms of life rage we do not let them defeat us.  Sister Susan W. Tanner gave a beautiful talk in October 2005 called The Sanctity of the Body.  In it she said, “Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body, and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect.”

I wish I could remember where I saw this, but I saw a quote that said something like, “When Satan tells you that you have an ugly body you say, at least I HAVE a body!”  It was worded better than that.  It was cute and made a good point.  Satan cannot go any further in his progression.  He is done.  He is trying to get us to stunt our progression by mistreating our bodies in any number of ways.  The first thing he has to do is to convince us that we are not worth while.  We need the very foundation of knowing that we are truly children of God. 

I love Paul in the New Testament.  In Acts 17 he totally says it like it is.  He tells the Athenians, “I perceive that in all things ye are too superstitious.  For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you.”

So, he could have blasted them, told them they were all lost and fallen, worshiping wrongly, placing their devotions in things of stone that are man made but instead he tells them, “They that should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him though he be not far from everyone of us; for in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.” 

We are His offspring and he is not far from everyone of us.  We know this when we “feel after him” we are meant to be FEELING beings.  We FEEL the Spirit, we FEEL a burning in our bosom, we FEEL compassion.  You and I need to FEEL the love that He has for us.  I haven’t figured this all out.  I wish I did.  For me, body image is an everyday, everyday, everyday thing.  But I am approaching it in a much healthier way than I was before.  I still look in the mirror or in pictures and all I see is fat.  I am not sure how to change that right now, but I am working on it.  So, when you look at me I suspect that you don’t think fat or ugly (at least I hope!).  So why do we think that of ourselves?  Our self esteem was smashed by our husband’s actions.  We are in recovery and this is part of our recovery.  I continue to take this walk one day at a time and feel privileged to be walking along side many strong, amazing women!.

My goal is to accept Paul's teachings to "feel after Him" and feel the love that my Savior has for me.  He loves me no matter what shape and size I am.  He just loves me...and I need to love me too.