Monday, August 31, 2015

"Everything Nourishes What is Strong Already"

I came across a quote that I must have read and heard 1000 times, but had not had the impact before that it did on me today.  It is from Jane Austin’s book, Pride and Prejudice.  Over the years I have become more and more a fan of her writings.  First it was the movies, loved them, but in going back and reading the words I find nuggets of wisdom.  I suppose that is why we need to read our scriptures and not watch a movie. The quote was delivered by Elizabeth Bennett, “Everything nourishes what is strong already”.

I have the privilege to have you, dear friends, who are examples of “what is strong already”.  Brave women, honest women, honorable women, great mothers, witnesses of Christ, amazing teachers, and just all in all, the example of what it means to be daughters of God.  So when you start in this journey, “strong already”,  and if “everything nourishes”’ how can something this life altering and devastating be nourishing?  Was Jane Austin up in the night, had no idea what she was talking about, or was she on to something?  I believe she was on to something. (Not ON something, which would be a whole other issue.) ;)
 
So often in this process I do not feel strong AT ALL or that I ever was.  As individuals whose lives have been affected by someone with a sex addiction, we have to give ourselves credit for what our lives were before and who we really are.  There was a lot of unknown preparation that we were going through for this moment.  Our minds were being prepared to handle what was coming, our bodies were being prepared to withstand the strain and our hearts were being prepared to learn to forgive.  We are stronger than we think.

The Oxford Dictionary defines “nourishing” as this: “Containing substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.”  

I often recognize that I am growing in ways that I never had before.  I am learning and understanding things that I just didn’t before.  My eyes have been opened to see things that I did not have the capacity to see and I am very grateful.  My gratitude is increasing and I am becoming less judgmental.  I didn’t think I was judgmental at all before this...but I believe I frequently mention how wrong I was in that.  Going through adversity is providing me with substances necessary for my growth, my spiritual health and my condition...which I hope is good. 

Russell M. Nelson said, “When we realize that we are children of the covenant, we know who we are and what God expects of us.  His law is written in our hearts.  He is our God and we are His people.  Committed children of the covenant remain steadfast, even in the midst of adversity.  When that doctrine is deeply implanted in our hearts, even the sting of death is soothed and our spiritual stamina is strengthened.”  Ensign, November 2011

One of the fundamental issues that our addicted loved one has is they do not know who they are.  They do not know that they are a precious child of God with the ability to change, repent and return.  In Ohio there has been a stretch of very dry weather.  I returned from China to find my beautiful Hydrangeas on the verge of loss.  Brown flowers, droopy leaves, and shriveled stalks.  Last night I stood with the hose and watered them.  I observed something interesting.  When water is put onto a plant where the ground is very dry, it does not absorb the moisture right away, in fact it allows it to run off, the very life giving water it allows to run away from the roots.  So the first watering doesn't do much.  But when the ground is moist already (strong already) the plant ground absorbs more water and delivers it right to the roots.  I wish I had taken a before and after picture of my plants.  I was astonished that by the time I had finished watering, these plants were already standing stronger, leaves fuller, not drooping as much and were healing.  This morning I walked out to these plants and was even more amazed at how much they had come back.  There are dead flowers, but they will be trimmed and new flowers, new growth will replace them.  The Lord gives us many opportunities to learn about ourselves through nature, and this was one for me.  We have the ability to return, recover, heal, and experience new growth and beauty.  Then what makes us strong is daily, constant nourishment.  Through this WE KNOW WHO WE ARE and we can stand beautifully!  Our loved ones have the same chance too.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Is My Spouse Really In Recovery?

#1 for me is the fear of my husband returning to his addiction.  Every character weakness, every behavior, every anniversary of the discovery date, everything that is in some way a reminder seems to breathe new breath into this fear.  I don’t want it.  It feels very heavy for me to carry.  I want to be able to lay this down at the feet of my Savior and experience joy in my life.  

I have recently heard the following questions and concerns:

“My husband confessed his addiction to me but won’t talk to me about it.  He gets defensive any time I bring it up.  Do you think it is a problem?”

“My husband gets calls on his phone that he doesn’t want seen.  Do you think that I should confront him about it?”

“He doesn’t give me access to his phone.”

“My husband changes passwords without telling me.”

“My husband won’t give me passwords or access to all of our financial records.”

“He quickly turns off his phone or computer when I come in the room.” 

I asked my husband, recovering porn addict, what his take on this and others and here is what he said:

“These are all red flags.  In my opinion these men are not in recovery.  If an individual is in active recovery they will not have any problem talking about it.  It isn’t the most comfortable thing, but it is what the situation is now.  The addict needs to have his spouse on his side.  They need to talk openly and often about it.  An addict in recovery will not have anything to hide.” 

Something that has been key in lifting my load is my being willing to let someone else help.  Support in recovery is a very important step.  My feeling is that as the spouse, I have been doing most things alone, parenting, day to day activities, etc.  It is hard and it is heavy, but it is not something that needs to or should be done alone.  The hope is that our spouse will choose recovery and become an active participant not only in his life, but back in our lives and the lives of our children.  But he has to work on his healing first and the reality is that he may not choose recovery.  Still, in this situation we are not alone. 

LDS Family Services outlined the following for the addict and for family members in need of support called Support in Recovery (found under "other resources" on this blog): 

Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost are our greatest sources of support. Recovery and healing are made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In addition the Lord often works through men and women to bless the lives of His children. All who participate in the addiction recovery program find that they are following the Lord’s counsel to “be faithful . . . succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (D&C 81:5).  

As addicts work to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they will benefit from the sources listed below.  

1.        Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting. Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to a happier way of life.  

2.        A support person, experienced in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing relapse.  

3.        Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is essential.  “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage [the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance” (True to the Faith, 134). 

4.        Family members can most effectively be a source of support by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own lives.  “Virtually everyone living in these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles” as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71).  On a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing it. 

5.       Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective when dealing with addiction.  When selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery. 

Participants will have different starting points when seeking support in recovery from addiction. Regardless of the way they start, as they attend recovery support meetings, participants are blessed to be in an environment where the seed of recovery can be planted in their hearts. 

In our experience we did all 5.  It was very important for us to do all 5 and continue to do them.  18 month minimum is the recommendation for counseling.  We were in counseling for 2 years and would continue to be in it if we were still in Ohio.  Participating in these weekly emails, virtually attending the meetings (I try to attend the Ohio group via Skype when I can) and doing my blog have been very helpful in lightening my load. 

I had a wonderful visit with my Branch President today in which he reminded me of some valuable advice given to me from my past Stake President, “Trust but verify”.  Trust will come, but it should not be forced and we should not feel bad because we do not have that yet.  It is earned and it is not all at once.  It will begin small and as it is nourished (verified) it will grow and continue to grow.  I told my husband that trust in the beginning of our marriage was a free gift.  Discovering his addiction shattered it.  It did not even exist any more.  Slowly it is coming, but it is coming, and I am verifying with him and not in secret.  If I look on his phone, I tell him.  If I read his emails, I tell him.  In the past he would have been furious, but now he sees it as a protection for him and for me and says, “It is just fine for you to read them, I don’t have anything to hide and it feels good not to have anything to hide.”
 
The website "Covenant Eyes" has a helpful post called:
 
Trust but verify.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Friday, August 7, 2015

Pain Management

I had the great opportunity to attend an SA Lifeline meeting and met incredible women walking this same path.  Group meetings are so beneficial!  I have attended S Anon, LDS ARP and now SA Lifeline.  All are worthwhile and all have something to give.  I have been able to take something from each group to help in my personal healing.

Jeff recently hurt his shoulder and because we are in the middle of traveling (back in China now!) all he is able to do is pain management.  I thought about this and how it relates to being the spouse of an addict.  We are traveling.  It is down a path that we did not choose and there is a great deal of pain associated with it.  Because it is not of our choosing, we are experiencing something unexpected and something that we were unprepared for.  We may have been somewhat prepared (keeping the commandments, personal prayer, scripture study, fhe...) but we did not see this specific thing coming. 

Unexpected pain causes confusion and, at times, a delayed increase of pain as we come to understand what just happened.  By that I mean that we often experience greater pain after discovery as we become aware of what we are really facing.  Fear, anger, and doubt are friends of pain, but do not help us in our journey.  It is unrealistic to think that we will not experience them, we will!  No question there! 

In the book, Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, Rod Jeppsen says, "As we sort through all of the hurt, accept the feelings we are experiencing, and realize that we are human and have the right to our feelings, we can then begin to choose ways to soften or diffuse some of the negative emotions that usually make us feel trapped.  Running away from the uncomfortable feelings or telling ourselves we should not feel angry is not healthy for us because it usually makes us feel guilty and inappropriate guilt compounds our emotional stress and self-value.  As we make small steps of progress and choose healthy ways to deal with the negative emotions, we will avoid feeling hopeless even though we may experience strong feelings of disappointment and sadness along the healing path."

So, how do we sort through the genuine feelings that we have and bridge the gap between hurt, anger and fear and reach the land of healing?  In the Old Testament Isaiah talks about  this a bit.  He says:
Isaiah 61:1-3 "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."

Perhaps this scripture passage gives us some tools in our personal pain management and a promise of healing.  In my recovery I have been brokenhearted, captive and felt very much like a prisoner - being trapped.  It has been a mourning, mourning the life that I thought I had, mourning the person that I thought Jeff was.  But then comes the promise of healing.  We have the potential to receive Beauty instead of ashes, the Oil of Joy instead of mourning, the Garment of Praise instead of the spirit of heaviness.  In addition to all that, because God is the gardener and calls us "trees of righteousness" that are planted by Him, He is tending this garden. We will not walk alone.  He will help manage our pain and carry us when it is too much, until we are ready to release it and surrender it to Him.  Release and healing comes through processing and understanding. A friend in our healing is TIME.  Don't be afraid to give yourself the gift of time.

Attending support groups is a healthy way of bridging this gap and dealing with negative emotions.  It is in these rooms where we are able to share when we feel safe to share and learn from others who share experiences.  This helps our individual healing progress on a steadier climb. (I won't commit to the word STEADY because it is all but that!)

We can do this girls!  We are awesome!  We are strong!  We are beautiful!  We deserve happiness, healing, and joy...... AND it is possible!