Boundaries

Boundaries are hard!  Not something that I had clear in my mind for a very long time.  I understood the need for them, I learned that they would be valuable in my recovery, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around how to decide what they were and how to go about setting them.   

I have discovered that it all comes down to choice and freedom.  My choice and my freedom.  I had felt so trapped, mostly behind barriers that I had set up in my mind.  I wasn't stuck.  I could leave at any time or I could decide to stay.  I could make any choice that I wanted to, but like my husband, those choices would come with a pre-set package of consequences.   

Recently I came across a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  I have not read the whole thing, but the part that I have read I really like.  I had wanted Jeff to set his own boundaries and tell me the lines that he wouldn’t cross, I wanted my counselor to show me where the line was but neither of those things happened.  I had and have to decide what is ok and what isn’t.  I have to decide if my boundaries are coming from anger or love.  The reason for this is the place that my boundaries come from is the place that I am guiding my part of the marriage to.  If I want to recover a marriage based on love, that is where my boundaries need to come from.  That really didn’t make it any easier to set boundaries for me, it is still hard. 

This is where the book Boundaries comes in. In this book is a chapter called Boundaries and Your Spouse.  In it Drs. Cloud and Townsend say this: 

“We have looked at our basic inability to change another person.  A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going.  Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path.  When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has.  Contrast these ways of reacting:
Before Boundaries:
Stop yelling at me.  You must be nicer.
After Boundaries:
You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.
Before Boundaries:
You’ve just got to stop drinking.  It’s ruining our family.  Please listen.  You’re wrecking our lives.
After Boundaries:
You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want.  But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos.  The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there.  Your drinking is your choice.  What I will put up with is mine.
Before Boundaries:
You are a pervert to look at pornography.  That’s so degrading.  What kind of a sick person are you anyway?
After Boundaries:
I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines.  It’s up to you.  I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me.  Make up your mind and choose.

    These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over – yourself – and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.

The Law of Evaluation
    When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt.  In evaluating the pain that your boundaries setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together.  When you set boundaries, be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.
    Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them.  Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
    Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person.  You are not demanding that your spouse do something – even respect your boundaries.  You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do.  Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.  Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse.  It is the opposite.  It is giving up control and beginning to love.  You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."
(Boundaries Cloud/Townsend pgs 164-165) 

I was pleasantly surprised how the things that they say in setting boundaries goes so much with Step 8 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide.   

I often tell people that I did not begin to get Jeff back until I really let go of him.  The principle of surrender is a large part of boundaries.  I have had to surrender so many things that I thought I had, give them up, put things in the Lord’s hand and trust.  Boundaries are necessary.  We have them lovingly given to us by our Heavenly Father and they are called commandments.  They aren’t to hold us down, they are to give us wings.  They are guardrails to safety and not bars to keep captive.  If we are able to pattern our boundaries after the way the Lord has set them for us, we will be successful in our recoveries. 

I really appreciated this section of Step 8:
Be Firm and Steadfast

How to Set Limits or Consequences
    “As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord’s guidance.  There is not one approach that is right for everyone.  The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us. 
    “There are, however, certain principles that can guide us in setting limits or consequences for our family members.  For example, our limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency  - they must be centered on what we can and will do rather than on what we want or expect someone else to dl.  they should be inspired by love, not by anger or punishment.  Limits or consequences should be clear and concrete.  They may involve a natural result of actions taken.  We can start with simple and specific limits we can implement.  For example, and appropriate place to begin is to insist that our homes be free from pornography, addictive substances, or related negative influences.
    “We should anticipate that our limits will be challenged and consequences will need to be enforces.  But we can also keep in mind that mistakes are learning opportunities, Therefore, if we establish a consequence for some action, it must be something we are willing to carry out in the spirit of love and learning.  The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  it may be helpful to discuss our plans of action with a trusted adviser or other responsible party.  This helps us to evaluate our thinking and to be alert for any motive or consequence that is not based on true and loving principles.  The Lord will help us and sustain us as we carry out these actions for the safety of our family.  His influence brings peace into our lives and the lives of our loved ones.” 

A few of the boundaries that I have set are:

·         No porn.  None!  No acting out in any way!

·         If there is a relapse he tells me within 24 hours.

·         He answers all of my questions honestly.

·         He goes to counseling (at least he did when we were in the US...we have no counselor available in China.  We were in counseling for 2 years.)

·         He goes to a 12 step meeting (he currently leads a group in China)

·         He frequently gives me validation of where he is in his recovery, not just when I ask.

These are some boundaries that have worked for me and they are as individual as each marriage.  Pray for direction and the ones that you need will come clear to you. 

Be courageous, strong and steadfast my friends!  It is a battle worth fighting.  Our personal individual recovery is worth it and, if our spouse is willing to try, our marriages are worth it too.  The Lord isn’t done with us and has many wonderful things ahead.  We may not be able to see it now, but as we allow Him to, He will guide us through.  I am in a much better place today than I ever could have seen.  Healing happens.  I am so grateful.

 

The Blown Glass Temple

When we were married we received a beautiful blown glass figurine of the Salt Lake Temple.  Over the years we went through three of these due to six kids and me being accident prone.

It was the Valentines Day before I discovered my husband’s addiction and I tried to rekindle the romance in our marriage.  I knew that something was wrong, we were distant from each other, and I thought it would be helpful if I gave Jeff gifts that were reminders of our wedding day.  One was a new blown glass temple to replace the other 3 that broke.  The day that I discovered his addiction I took it from the shelf and threw it in the trash.  It didn’t take much for it to shatter.

I told him that our marriage was that delicate blown glass temple. When I found out about his addiction it felt like he took a sledge hammer, smashed it and then handed me a bottle of Elmer's glue to fix it.  There were overwhelming feelings at the beginning and I felt helpless, not knowing where to begin or if healing was even possible.  Much like the feeling of holding a bottle of glue, looking at that pile of shattered glass and becoming aware of the impossible task of putting it all back together. How could I ever begin?

The glass temple - our marriage

The sledge hammer - addiction
Smashing it - acting out
The bottle of glue - sometimes his recovery, other times mine

When we try to repair this shattered temple he sees himself working hard (which he is) and thinks that he’s making a difference in that pile of glass. I see myself working hard (which I am) and I think I’m also making a difference on that same pile.

The truth is that neither of us is making great progress on rebuilding that temple.  Sifting through the glass for me is PTSD, reliving the hurt and replaying the events, feeling hopeless, hurt, anger, no trust, etc.  Through this I end up injured and bleeding. Shards of glass go deep into my fingers and I need assistance in getting them out.  When he sifts through the glass he feels my hurt, anger, mistrust and the negative feelings that fed the addiction; also resulting in injured bleeding fingers that too will be in need of help.

Two people who’d never been in this situation before and don’t have the knowledge, tools, experience or expertise of how to fix it.  

This recognition takes steps 1-9 of the Addiction Recovery Program. The next step is full surrender of all the pieces to where the temple originally came from.

The hands of the Maker. 

It is only He who can melt down the glass and reform it to its original beauty.  This is the promise of real recovery. The process takes extreme temperatures (refiner's fire) and letting go all pieces into another's hands (true surrender and trust in God). Even when we surrender the pieces, we have never really given up ownership of the temple, just loaned it back to the one that fashioned it in the first place.  

Now we make Him an integral part of our healing process. After of all of this He does not ask a price, He reminds us that He paid for it long ago. Through this we are able to feel love and gratitude for Him and from Him. Then, if we’re willing, we can start to feel the love for each other and begin to fill that beautifully repaired, renewed temple with steps 10-12, Daily Accountability, Personal Revelation from God, and Service to others.

*photograph used with permission
Sculpting in Motion Inc.

The Peace Which Passeth All Understanding

Today I was very impressed with a scripture that I heard at church.  It is from the New Testament in Philippians 4:4-7 which says, “Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice.  Let your moderation be known unto all men.  The Lord is at hand.  Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

 

I want peace.  I want that peace of God that “passeth all understanding”.  I want Him to keep my heart and heal my heart.  It is clear that it comes through our Savior Jesus Christ.  I thought that the peace would come through my husband conquering his addiction.  I wanted an outside source to fix it so that I could feel inner peace.  But for me, that peace is coming a little bit at a time every day in a different way.  It is when I surrender my will to the Lord and understand that “The Lord is at hand”.  I don’t have to do gigantic things, just the things that I can right now.  

 

This week I am focusing on Step 3 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.

 

Step 3 is:

He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People

He is taking on my pains and He is taking on the sickness of addiction that Jeff is recovering from.  It is so easy for me to look at other situations and think, “They have it easy!  Their husband has never had this problem” or to think that someone has better recovery than I do.  But that isn’t my job.  It isn’t my job to determine what someone may or may not be experiencing.  My job is to allow healing into my life and receive it as it comes.   

Step 3 says:

No Blessings Will Be Denied

"We want to have eternal families, but our loved ones’ addictions can threaten our hopes.  Fearing we may lose our eternal family may cause us to experience significant feelings of grief.  We may find ourselves in a crisis of faith and be tempted to give up on Heavenly Father’s plan.  Many of us feel that we are just hanging on, clinging to God out of habit, reflex, or desperation.  It can be hard to move forward through the pain of broken promises and threatened dreams.  The choice we face is whether or not to have faith in God, even when we can’t see how God’s promises will be kept.

"Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

"'We cannot control and we are not responsible for the choices of others, even when they impact us so painfully.  I am sure the Lord loves and blesses husbands and wives who lovingly try to help spouses struggling with such deep problems as pornography or other addictive behavior or with the long-term consequences of childhood abuse. Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.’” 

Well...my beginning response to discovery was not at all loving, nor were any of my responses for a very long time, to be honest.  My emotions were all over the place.  But I really was doing the best that I could.  I've come to the realization that my "best" changes as my understanding, growth and healing changes.  Things may hurt now.  Really, really hurt!  But it is not how it will always be and it does not mean that there is no hope.  Perhaps the “peace that passeth all understanding” means that the answer is not something that is clear or obvious to me.  It is not in my current understanding, but that does not matter, the peace can and will come. 

Christmas is not far away right now.  My focus is celebrating the Prince of Peace.  Welcoming not just the infant Jesus into my home, life and heart, but Jesus the Christ who paid for my sins, my hurts, my pain, THIS pain.  I do not need to know HOW it is done, HOW he takes away my suffering and sins.  It is ok for it to “passeth” my understanding.  It is ok for me to exercise faith in Him. 

In the book Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, Rod Jeppsen says, “We often ask God to take us closer to His Son, and then when we have an opportunity to do just that, we fight it.  Let’s try not to fight it.  Let’s allow this experience to take us closer to the Savior, who is all-loving and has outstretched arms for each of us.  He will never forsake us!  We might think we can learn life’s most vital lessons by reading a book or taking a class; however, important principles of the gospel are usually learned in real life by going through hard experiences.  We might think we can learn them without stress, difficulty, or emotional pain, but that is not so.”

Through this experience with Jeff I have been given the gift to become closer to my Savior in a way that I never was before.  I work on it daily, some days I am more successful than others.  On days that feel are a “Fail” I realize that I was at least facing in the right direction even if I didn't seem to make any forward progress. :) 

 

One step at a time....even if it is stepping in place.

Is My Spouse Really In Recovery?

#1 for me is the fear of my husband returning to his addiction.  Every character weakness, every behavior, every anniversary of the discovery date, everything that is in some way a reminder seems to breathe new breath into this fear.  I don’t want it.  It feels very heavy for me to carry.  I want to be able to lay this down at the feet of my Savior and experience joy in my life.  

I have recently heard the following questions and concerns:

“My husband confessed his addiction to me but won’t talk to me about it.  He gets defensive any time I bring it up.  Do you think it is a problem?”

“My husband gets calls on his phone that he doesn’t want seen.  Do you think that I should confront him about it?”

“He doesn’t give me access to his phone.”

“My husband changes passwords without telling me.”

“My husband won’t give me passwords or access to all of our financial records.”

“He quickly turns off his phone or computer when I come in the room.” 

I asked my husband, recovering porn addict, what his take on this and others and here is what he said:

“These are all red flags.  In my opinion these men are not in recovery.  If an individual is in active recovery they will not have any problem talking about it.  It isn’t the most comfortable thing, but it is what the situation is now.  The addict needs to have his spouse on his side.  They need to talk openly and often about it.  An addict in recovery will not have anything to hide.” 

Something that has been key in lifting my load is my being willing to let someone else help.  Support in recovery is a very important step.  My feeling is that as the spouse, I have been doing most things alone, parenting, day to day activities, etc.  It is hard and it is heavy, but it is not something that needs to or should be done alone.  The hope is that our spouse will choose recovery and become an active participant not only in his life, but back in our lives and the lives of our children.  But he has to work on his healing first and the reality is that he may not choose recovery.  Still, in this situation we are not alone. 

LDS Family Services outlined the following for the addict and for family members in need of support called Support in Recovery (found under "other resources" on this blog): 

Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost are our greatest sources of support. Recovery and healing are made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In addition the Lord often works through men and women to bless the lives of His children. All who participate in the addiction recovery program find that they are following the Lord’s counsel to “be faithful . . . succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (D&C 81:5).  

As addicts work to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they will benefit from the sources listed below.  

1.        Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting. Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to a happier way of life.  

2.        A support person, experienced in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing relapse.  

3.        Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is essential.  “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage [the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance” (True to the Faith, 134). 

4.        Family members can most effectively be a source of support by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own lives.  “Virtually everyone living in these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles” as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71).  On a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing it. 

5.       Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective when dealing with addiction.  When selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery. 

Participants will have different starting points when seeking support in recovery from addiction. Regardless of the way they start, as they attend recovery support meetings, participants are blessed to be in an environment where the seed of recovery can be planted in their hearts. 

In our experience we did all 5.  It was very important for us to do all 5 and continue to do them.  18 month minimum is the recommendation for counseling.  We were in counseling for 2 years and would continue to be in it if we were still in Ohio.  Participating in these weekly emails, virtually attending the meetings (I try to attend the Ohio group via Skype when I can) and doing my blog have been very helpful in lightening my load. 

I had a wonderful visit with my Branch President today in which he reminded me of some valuable advice given to me from my past Stake President, “Trust but verify”.  Trust will come, but it should not be forced and we should not feel bad because we do not have that yet.  It is earned and it is not all at once.  It will begin small and as it is nourished (verified) it will grow and continue to grow.  I told my husband that trust in the beginning of our marriage was a free gift.  Discovering his addiction shattered it.  It did not even exist any more.  Slowly it is coming, but it is coming, and I am verifying with him and not in secret.  If I look on his phone, I tell him.  If I read his emails, I tell him.  In the past he would have been furious, but now he sees it as a protection for him and for me and says, “It is just fine for you to read them, I don’t have anything to hide and it feels good not to have anything to hide.”

 

The website "Covenant Eyes" has a helpful post called:

10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?

 

Trust but verify.