The Unfinished Tower

Yesterday I attended a funeral where my bishop shared a tiny parable that I wasn't familiar with.  It is that of the "unfinished tower".  In Luke 14:28-30 is where to find this parable.  I am going to paraphrase, but, please check the reference because the source is always better than me. ;)

So a person sets out to build a tower, carefully considers what it will take, the materials and the effort, and counts the cost and assesses if they have the means to do this.  Then they begin to build this tower, fully believing that they can do it, and in the process - for whatever reason - is not able to finish it and everyone around them says something to the effect of, "well, I knew you couldn't do it anyway". 

As I read and re-read this little parable I could see myself trying to build that tower.  I remember the moment, after discovering Jeff's addiction, that I wanted to rebuild our marriage. I turned to him and asked if he was serious about getting this out of his life, now, this was only about 2 weeks in.  I thought I could see all the materials layed out and had all intentions of completing that tower.  The tower that I saw was him overcoming his addiction.  And if he overcame his addiction surely our marriage would be recovered, I thought.  He said he was all in or '"haply" (perhaps) Luke 14:29 going to accomplish this.  And I believe that in that moment we both were.

Stuff happens, pain happens, doubt, fear, relapse, tears, heartache and then when I look at the tower, now as the one on the outside, I think..."I knew he couldn't do it anyway."  I went to my therapist, defeated at this point.  Just wanting him to tell me that it was ok, I had made my best effort, I had done all that God had asked me to do and I could leave the marriage and start a new life.  But that's not what he said.  He said, "Susan, you're putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Christ". 

I was looking at the tower all wrong.  The tower wasn't Jeff's recovery, my recovery or the recovery of our marriage, the tower was ME.  Those recoveries may be parts of my tower, but they are only elements of it.  Even after all I can do, I cannot complete that tower on my own.  Jesus Christ is the finisher.  Pslam 118:8-9 says: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.  It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes".

Jesus Christ is the "author and finisher of (my) faith".  Paul taught this to the Hebrews. (Hebrews 12:2)  So what does that mean to me?  I go back to the desire to build the tower with Jeff.  My intent was not to stop midway and give up.  My intent was to see it through, but I didn't know what seeing it through meant.  My faith was in what I wanted it to become, not in what the Lord wants ME to become.  The tower will look much different in the end when I allow Christ to be the finisher.  It will be a better tower, better than any that I could design for myself. 

And to those who stand on the side and criticized instead of helped, I recognize that, "The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, or yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

Even though I don't know how to complete the tower, I have all the tools!  I have all the materials and where I fall short, the Finisher will come and He will help me and He will help you! Step 9 talks about this very thing.  It says,

"While we may not now be able to fully trust our loved ones, we can trust the Lord and His protection.  He helps us effectively cope with the many worries and fears we encounter.  He provides us with assurances through His Spirit that help us find peace and hope.  Nephi declared, 'O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever' (2 Nephi 4:34)".

The race is not to the Swift, Strong, Brave, Wise.  We can run this race "haply", completely intending to finish, and as we accept the help that is there and offer our support to others we will, "Run that (we) shall obtain"!  And friends, we're gonna make it!

Recovery is not a One Stop Shop

When I started out in my own recovery I didn't want to waste time reading the "wrong" books, attending the "wrong" meetings or spending any of my time doing the "wrong" things.  I just wanted a nice cut and dry list of things to do, do them and recover.  Holy cow!  That would have been great!  But...

Just talking to my spouse
           ...is not enough.
Just talking to my bishop
           ...is not enough.
Just attending support groups
           ...is not enough.
Just going to counseling
           ...is not enough.
Just getting a support person
           ...is not enough...but ALL have been vital in my recovery.

Still, this is not a complete list!  There are so many wonderful resources that help along the recovery journey.

In the beginning I knew that I wanted to recover, so I found a person that was in good recovery and asked what they did and then followed their example.  They do everything that is on this list, quoted from LDS Family Services "Support in Recovery":

As addicts work to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they will benefit from the sources listed below. 

1.        Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting. Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to a happier way of life. 

2.        A support person, experienced in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing relapse. 

3.        Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is essential.  “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage [the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance” (True to the Faith, 134).

4.        Family members can most effectively be a source of support by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own lives.  “Virtually everyone living in these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles” as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71).  On a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing it.

5.       Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective when dealing with addiction.  When selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery. 

Lately I have focused on this "Support in Recovery".  This paper was given to me the first meeting that I attended in Utah (The entire resource is under my "Support in Recovery" tab and can also be accessed through LDS Family Services).  It is written to the addict, but applies to the spouses and family members just as much!  I kept that paper with me constantly, read and re-read it, highlighted, underlined, wrote notes, copied, referred to and treasured it. I still have that worn out, folded, wrinkled and loved blue paper. 

The Lord does not teach in a "One Stop Shop" way either.  We have many books of scripture, we have many prophets, we have many doctrines and commandments.  We don't learn everything in one church meeting, we don't learn everything in one temple session, or family home evening, or home teaching/visiting teaching.... we learn line upon line.

And so it is with recovery, it is line upon line.  The Lord has directed me in my recovery process and the whole purpose of this blog is to share the resources I've found helpful with you.  I know that my way of recovery is not the only way, the Lord will personalize yours as you ask Him and He will direct you. 

Neal A. Maxwell says that the Lord "will customize your curriculum". (But For a Small Moment BYU Speeches September 1, 1974)  I continue to experience this in my personal recovery and it is a miraculous blessing!

Many Helps!

Do you ever feel like just screaming HELP!!!!

Me too.

Pornography/Sex Addiction is so rampant in this world of ours.  Thankfully there are many safe resources for help.  I try to list them in my tab "Other Sites and Articles".  One that I just found is a series being done by Meridian Magazine.  It is AWESOME.  Here are two links to this series:
http://ldsmag.com/what-wives-of-sex-addicts-want-you-to-know/
http://ldsmag.com/before-you-marry-my-good-hearted-son/#.VxZRbpKE388.mailto

These quick reads can be life changing, and on my down days they are lifelines! 

Keep going friends!  We're gonna make it!!

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Peace often is a scarce commodity in recovery, but it comes.  I have been thinking a lot lately about my personal worship, what things are most helpful for me in recovery and where I am receiving that peace.  The temple is very important to me and I do my best to attend regularly.  I am so very grateful for the peace and answers that I receive. (I promise this is not a Mormon commercial, just giving enough background so you understand the experience that I had.) In the LDS Church temples are considered to be the most sacred places on this earth.  They are places that we are able to do “work” for those that have passed on before us.  We believe that it is necessary to receive baptism and make sacred promises and covenants to God to be obedient and serve Him throughout our lives.  I am able to take the name of a family member that has passed away or a name that someone else has submitted.  It is a gift that we can give to those who cannot do this for themselves and stand “proxy” or in their place for them.  As I go to the temple I try to keep in mind the person that I stand proxy for.  I think of it as her first time in the temple and hope that it is as special for her as my own was for me.  I listen carefully to the words and try to understand these sacred promises a little better each time. (For more information on LDS Temples CLICK HERE.)

To attend the temple I need to have a “recommend”.  This requires two interviews, one with a leader in my congregation (Bishopric) and one with a leader from the larger congregation (Stake Presidency).  These are easy and the leaders are always very kind and loving.  Every 2 years we “renew” our recommends by going through the same process. 

On the Sunday before I discovered Jeff’s addiction it was time to renew my temple recommend and I had my interview with a member of our bishopric.  I felt happy, light hearted and knew I was worthy to go.  This interview seemed like a technicality and I left with the first half of my recommend in hand not knowing what the next week would hold.  The Sunday after discovery I had my Stake Presidency interview.  I didn’t think I could go through with it.  My mind was now packed with images and information so unworthy of the temple.  How could I carry my husband’s baggage into that sacred place?  But going to the temple was for me, so I went ahead with the meeting.  As I sat in that office with red, swollen eyes, I asked if this brother knew what was happening in our family.  He didn’t.  Oh I wish he had!  I didn’t want to repeat those words, but I did.  He paused and said, “Sister, you need to go to the temple.”  This interview wasn’t a “technicality”; it was a rescue mission for my soul. 

A dear friend, who was aware of my situation, went with me that first time back.  I will be forever grateful because I could not have done it without her.  It was hard to be there without Jeff.  Not just because he wasn’t there, but because he couldn’t be.  Before this the temple stood as a symbol of our eternal union but now felt like glairing evidence of all that I had lost.  My heart pounded as I approached those doors.  I wish that I could say that I received an overwhelming peace as I entered that place, but I didn’t.  I remember standing with my head bowed in a moment of prayer with tears dripping to the floor.  As hard as it was, I made it through.  That was the victory!  I made it through!  I didn’t have the experience that I tried before, focusing on the sister that I stood proxy for.  Instead I was doing my very best to stand for me. 

In the first couple of months in my recovery, I "ran away" to Utah.  I felt the great need to attend the temple and I wanted to go where it was convenient and I wouldn't see many people that I knew.  My parents were out of the country and their home was empty, so I had a place to stay alone with no interruptions or obligations. 

The second time I went to the temple was there in Utah.  I walked up to this beautiful building, still dreading entering alone.  The session was difficult as I listened to promises that I made and kept and Jeff had not.  The hurt feelings of not knowing if I could ever have an eternal marriage were extremely painful. The most sacred and peaceful room in the temple is the Celestial Room.  I sat in there and tried to find a seat away from where others were.  I could not hold back my tears.  I sat, bent over, with my face in my hands sobbing uncontrollably.  After a time I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I looked up to see a woman that I did not know.  She asked if there was something that she could do for me.  Since I didn't know her I felt safe in telling her my situation.  She was very compassionate and knowledgeable about it.  She gave me some very good advice and recommended some great books.  Most of all she showed love to a stranger in need. 

I left there and drove to a book store to purchase the books she recommended.  I stood for a long time in front of that "self help" section of the book store just staring at these books.  This was the bravest moment for me to this point in my recovery, facing the decision to take books off a shelf in a public store that all had to do with pornography addiction and recovery of the spouse.  Certainly the clerk at the counter could piece together why I was purchasing those books. (Which are listed in my book list-and I only list the ones that really help me.) But I came to the realization that I didn't care what this person may or may not be thinking.  I needed this help, so I picked up the books and made my purchase.

Meeting this woman in the temple was an answer to my prayer.  I still don't know who she was, but if I could find her I would give her a great big hug and tell her huge THANK YOU!  During that visit to Utah I continued to go to the temple.  No question, it was hard!  Now each time it gets a little bit easier…not easy, but easier.  The assurance that I am in the right place continues to come and my healing progresses as I prayerfully go.

When it came time to renew my recommend again I was blessed to meet with the same two individuals.  This time the meetings were very different.  As I met again with this member of the bishopric I had immense gratitude for truths that I had taken for granted.  I know that my Savior lives.  I know that he knelt in the garden and paid a price for me beyond what I can imagine.  I know that because of this atonement I can receive peace and healing.  We have inspired leadership in this Church under the direction of Jesus Christ.  This interview process certainly wasn't a "technicality" it was a moment for me to reflect on my personal relationship with my Savior and recognize all that He has done for me.

As I met with the member of the stake presidency I saw hope that did not exist 2 years earlier.  The temple now stands as a beacon of hope, a testimony of redemption, and a symbol of the purity that we can all receive in our lives if we accept the gift of the atonement and apply it.

Ironically enough last Sunday I renewed my temple recommend again, this time in China.  The experience gets better and better.  These are wonderful milestones that show me that I am making progress even when I think it is hard.

I often think of a conversation that I had with my wonderful therapist, Steve Perkins. (I miss this sweet man, but I know he is doing great work with others in Heaven.)  I was having a very difficult day.  I felt that I had hit rock bottom and could sink no lower.  I just wanted out of the pain, out of the hurt, I wanted my life to be what I thought it had been before.  I had been following all of the steps that he had told me to do.  I was going to meetings, I was working the steps, I was attending my therapy sessions, I was meeting with my clergy, I was talking with Jeff, I was reading and reading and reading and reading...why did it still hurt so much????  His answer to all of that was this, “It is because you are standing so close to the fire.”  He explained that this meant some things just take time.  He encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing,  go to the temple and make sure that I was putting my faith in the right place.  He showed me that I was putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Christ.  I am certain that I have written this in messages before and it is because it has made such a difference for me.  It is ok to recognize things for what they are, hold on, and realize that things will change and feelings will pass.  Sometimes change takes time.  Actually, change always takes time! We need the time to help us move away from that fire, stop feeling the heat and move toward the peace that comes through recovery.

The Blown Glass Temple

When we were married we received a beautiful blown glass figurine of the Salt Lake Temple.  Over the years we went through three of these due to six kids and me being accident prone.

It was the Valentines Day before I discovered my husband’s addiction and I tried to rekindle the romance in our marriage.  I knew that something was wrong, we were distant from each other, and I thought it would be helpful if I gave Jeff gifts that were reminders of our wedding day.  One was a new blown glass temple to replace the other 3 that broke.  The day that I discovered his addiction I took it from the shelf and threw it in the trash.  It didn’t take much for it to shatter.

I told him that our marriage was that delicate blown glass temple. When I found out about his addiction it felt like he took a sledge hammer, smashed it and then handed me a bottle of Elmer's glue to fix it.  There were overwhelming feelings at the beginning and I felt helpless, not knowing where to begin or if healing was even possible.  Much like the feeling of holding a bottle of glue, looking at that pile of shattered glass and becoming aware of the impossible task of putting it all back together. How could I ever begin?

The glass temple - our marriage

The sledge hammer - addiction
Smashing it - acting out
The bottle of glue - sometimes his recovery, other times mine

When we try to repair this shattered temple he sees himself working hard (which he is) and thinks that he’s making a difference in that pile of glass. I see myself working hard (which I am) and I think I’m also making a difference on that same pile.

The truth is that neither of us is making great progress on rebuilding that temple.  Sifting through the glass for me is PTSD, reliving the hurt and replaying the events, feeling hopeless, hurt, anger, no trust, etc.  Through this I end up injured and bleeding. Shards of glass go deep into my fingers and I need assistance in getting them out.  When he sifts through the glass he feels my hurt, anger, mistrust and the negative feelings that fed the addiction; also resulting in injured bleeding fingers that too will be in need of help.

Two people who’d never been in this situation before and don’t have the knowledge, tools, experience or expertise of how to fix it.  

This recognition takes steps 1-9 of the Addiction Recovery Program. The next step is full surrender of all the pieces to where the temple originally came from.

The hands of the Maker. 

It is only He who can melt down the glass and reform it to its original beauty.  This is the promise of real recovery. The process takes extreme temperatures (refiner's fire) and letting go all pieces into another's hands (true surrender and trust in God). Even when we surrender the pieces, we have never really given up ownership of the temple, just loaned it back to the one that fashioned it in the first place.  

Now we make Him an integral part of our healing process. After of all of this He does not ask a price, He reminds us that He paid for it long ago. Through this we are able to feel love and gratitude for Him and from Him. Then, if we’re willing, we can start to feel the love for each other and begin to fill that beautifully repaired, renewed temple with steps 10-12, Daily Accountability, Personal Revelation from God, and Service to others.

*photograph used with permission
Sculpting in Motion Inc.

My Dear Friend Who Taught Me to "Look".

I awoke to some very sad news.  My dear friend and counselor, Steve Perkins, unexpectedly passed away.  Steve’s counseling practice, Akron Family Institute, is a resource on my blog.  I have it there because this is where I went and is where I received so much healing.  I wasn’t happy at all about going to marriage counseling, I didn’t want to need it.  But Steve was the best and it was worth being on the waiting list for him.  I am pretty sure I drove him crazy at times and tested his patience.  But he never showed it.  He had a way of making you feel like you were his only patient, his only concern, and that he genuinely cared.  And he did.

He was also our Stake Patriarch and gave 3 of my children their Patriarchal Blessings.  (This is important to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  For more information CLICK HERE.)  Because we shared the same faith he not only counseled me emotionally and intellectually, but spiritually as well.  He taught me that all I had learned to this point in my life about Jesus Christ was true.  He taught me that I needed to apply that belief now.  At one point he told me that I was putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Jesus Christ.  He was right.

I have pages and pages of notes from my sessions with him.  I don’t want to waste anything that I learned from him.  It is because of his loving guidance that Jeff and I are in recovery and are married today.

Each Sunday morning I walk about a half mile to church, which is not bad for living in China.  Today we had many things planned, our Church Christmas program, a baptism and a linger longer (potluck meal after church).  I was singing on the program, had a little part in the baptism and had rolls and soup for the linger longer.  Since I had to walk, I packed a wheeled cart to drag all of my stuff in.  I felt weighed down, not with all of the things in my cart, but the sadness of losing this dear friend.  

The day here was just beautiful.  Warm, blue skies...perfect.  As I walked along I saw a Chinese man walking the same path.  I didn’t think anything about it until I saw him stop and pick up an empty plastic bottle.  Then I saw him check the garbages for more bottles.  I had a little argument with myself of whether I should help him or not.  So I finally broke into a run (in my dress and flip flops) and caught up to him ready to give him some of the food in my cart.  “Ni Hao!” (My limited Chinese).  He said something back but I couldn’t understand.  So I tapped him on the shoulder and said again, “Ni Hao”.  Again he said something and without looking brushed his arm back to motion me away. But I thought that if he could see me he would see that I had something to give him.  Something that would help him.  I tried to get in front of him, but he turned away.  He wouldn’t even look.  He just quickened his pace and went on his way.  

I had something to help him but he wouldn’t even look.  Would I?  Have I?  Yes!  This is a valuable lesson that I have learned from my dear friend, Steve Perkins.  To Look!  There is a great deal of help out there for recovery, but I have to look!  So, the lesson of Look is this:

Look!  And once you’ve looked then recognize the help.

Then once you’ve recognized the help have the humility to accept it.

Then once you’ve accepted the help have the wisdom to act on it.

Then once you’ve acted on it allow real change to happen for you....repeat as necessary.

 

It all begins with that first step, to look.  

I will not waste the things that I learned from this amazing man.  I will honor his memory by living the principles that he taught me.  My life is better because of him.  

My life is better because of YOU!  I am grateful for what I learn from you wonderful people!  Thank you.

And thank you Steve Perkins.  For you, I will be forever grateful.  My counselor, my teacher, my example, my friend.

Once Upon a Thanksgiving...

Holidays and anniversaries are big triggers for me.  This year, thankfully, has been better than the last 3 Thanksgivings.  Right now, right in this moment, things are good for Jeff and I.  I hope it's real. I pray it's real, but I don't trust it completely and I don't know if I ever will.  But I have decided not to put that expectation on my table.  I am just recognizing that I'm trusting as much as I can at the moment, no matter what that means.

I didn't celebrate any holidays for at least a year after discovery, at best I just showed up.  Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving...I didn't plan for, I just got through the days.  I did as much as I could for my children's birthdays but for our wedding anniversary, my birthday and Jeff's...they were just another day. 

I didn't plan for the holidays because I didn't know if they would really happen, if our family would be together.  So for me it was easier not to plan.  The days come and go anyway, regardless of our level of planning. 

My focus was, and continues to be, on my healing.  It sounded selfish to me at first to think that I was focusing on me, but when I didn't focus on my healing, I had less to give.  The more I focus on my healing and the more I recover, the more I have to give.  It is one of those built in miracles that our Heavenly Father has for me and for all of us.

So, I think that after all these years I am finally understanding better what this holiday is all about.  A Holy Day.  A day to thank my Heavenly Father for His many gifts and today I am thankful for the gift of where I am in recovery and grateful for the promise of further recovery.  I am grateful that I didn't give up when I so desperately wanted to.  I am grateful for those that are on this same journey with me, for their faith, examples and selflessness. 

For this holiday - this Holy Day - I don't have tangible things to show for it, but I feel that I have much more than I ever have before.  I may not like the "car" that I have travelled in or the "bumps in the road", but I am grateful where this journey is headed.

Finally, even though I am repeating myself, I am truly grateful.