Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Peace often is a scarce commodity in recovery, but it comes.  I have been thinking a lot lately about my personal worship, what things are most helpful for me in recovery and where I am receiving that peace.  The temple is very important to me and I do my best to attend regularly.  I am so very grateful for the peace and answers that I receive. (I promise this is not a Mormon commercial, just giving enough background so you understand the experience that I had.) In the LDS Church temples are considered to be the most sacred places on this earth.  They are places that we are able to do “work” for those that have passed on before us.  We believe that it is necessary to receive baptism and make sacred promises and covenants to God to be obedient and serve Him throughout our lives.  I am able to take the name of a family member that has passed away or a name that someone else has submitted.  It is a gift that we can give to those who cannot do this for themselves and stand “proxy” or in their place for them.  As I go to the temple I try to keep in mind the person that I stand proxy for.  I think of it as her first time in the temple and hope that it is as special for her as my own was for me.  I listen carefully to the words and try to understand these sacred promises a little better each time. (For more information on LDS Temples CLICK HERE.)

To attend the temple I need to have a “recommend”.  This requires two interviews, one with a leader in my congregation (Bishopric) and one with a leader from the larger congregation (Stake Presidency).  These are easy and the leaders are always very kind and loving.  Every 2 years we “renew” our recommends by going through the same process. 

On the Sunday before I discovered Jeff’s addiction it was time to renew my temple recommend and I had my interview with a member of our bishopric.  I felt happy, light hearted and knew I was worthy to go.  This interview seemed like a technicality and I left with the first half of my recommend in hand not knowing what the next week would hold.  The Sunday after discovery I had my Stake Presidency interview.  I didn’t think I could go through with it.  My mind was now packed with images and information so unworthy of the temple.  How could I carry my husband’s baggage into that sacred place?  But going to the temple was for me, so I went ahead with the meeting.  As I sat in that office with red, swollen eyes, I asked if this brother knew what was happening in our family.  He didn’t.  Oh I wish he had!  I didn’t want to repeat those words, but I did.  He paused and said, “Sister, you need to go to the temple.”  This interview wasn’t a “technicality”; it was a rescue mission for my soul. 

A dear friend, who was aware of my situation, went with me that first time back.  I will be forever grateful because I could not have done it without her.  It was hard to be there without Jeff.  Not just because he wasn’t there, but because he couldn’t be.  Before this the temple stood as a symbol of our eternal union but now felt like glairing evidence of all that I had lost.  My heart pounded as I approached those doors.  I wish that I could say that I received an overwhelming peace as I entered that place, but I didn’t.  I remember standing with my head bowed in a moment of prayer with tears dripping to the floor.  As hard as it was, I made it through.  That was the victory!  I made it through!  I didn’t have the experience that I tried before, focusing on the sister that I stood proxy for.  Instead I was doing my very best to stand for me. 

In the first couple of months in my recovery, I "ran away" to Utah.  I felt the great need to attend the temple and I wanted to go where it was convenient and I wouldn't see many people that I knew.  My parents were out of the country and their home was empty, so I had a place to stay alone with no interruptions or obligations. 

The second time I went to the temple was there in Utah.  I walked up to this beautiful building, still dreading entering alone.  The session was difficult as I listened to promises that I made and kept and Jeff had not.  The hurt feelings of not knowing if I could ever have an eternal marriage were extremely painful. The most sacred and peaceful room in the temple is the Celestial Room.  I sat in there and tried to find a seat away from where others were.  I could not hold back my tears.  I sat, bent over, with my face in my hands sobbing uncontrollably.  After a time I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I looked up to see a woman that I did not know.  She asked if there was something that she could do for me.  Since I didn't know her I felt safe in telling her my situation.  She was very compassionate and knowledgeable about it.  She gave me some very good advice and recommended some great books.  Most of all she showed love to a stranger in need. 

I left there and drove to a book store to purchase the books she recommended.  I stood for a long time in front of that "self help" section of the book store just staring at these books.  This was the bravest moment for me to this point in my recovery, facing the decision to take books off a shelf in a public store that all had to do with pornography addiction and recovery of the spouse.  Certainly the clerk at the counter could piece together why I was purchasing those books. (Which are listed in my book list-and I only list the ones that really help me.) But I came to the realization that I didn't care what this person may or may not be thinking.  I needed this help, so I picked up the books and made my purchase.

Meeting this woman in the temple was an answer to my prayer.  I still don't know who she was, but if I could find her I would give her a great big hug and tell her huge THANK YOU!  During that visit to Utah I continued to go to the temple.  No question, it was hard!  Now each time it gets a little bit easier…not easy, but easier.  The assurance that I am in the right place continues to come and my healing progresses as I prayerfully go.

When it came time to renew my recommend again I was blessed to meet with the same two individuals.  This time the meetings were very different.  As I met again with this member of the bishopric I had immense gratitude for truths that I had taken for granted.  I know that my Savior lives.  I know that he knelt in the garden and paid a price for me beyond what I can imagine.  I know that because of this atonement I can receive peace and healing.  We have inspired leadership in this Church under the direction of Jesus Christ.  This interview process certainly wasn't a "technicality" it was a moment for me to reflect on my personal relationship with my Savior and recognize all that He has done for me.

As I met with the member of the stake presidency I saw hope that did not exist 2 years earlier.  The temple now stands as a beacon of hope, a testimony of redemption, and a symbol of the purity that we can all receive in our lives if we accept the gift of the atonement and apply it.

Ironically enough last Sunday I renewed my temple recommend again, this time in China.  The experience gets better and better.  These are wonderful milestones that show me that I am making progress even when I think it is hard.

I often think of a conversation that I had with my wonderful therapist, Steve Perkins. (I miss this sweet man, but I know he is doing great work with others in Heaven.)  I was having a very difficult day.  I felt that I had hit rock bottom and could sink no lower.  I just wanted out of the pain, out of the hurt, I wanted my life to be what I thought it had been before.  I had been following all of the steps that he had told me to do.  I was going to meetings, I was working the steps, I was attending my therapy sessions, I was meeting with my clergy, I was talking with Jeff, I was reading and reading and reading and reading...why did it still hurt so much????  His answer to all of that was this, “It is because you are standing so close to the fire.”  He explained that this meant some things just take time.  He encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing,  go to the temple and make sure that I was putting my faith in the right place.  He showed me that I was putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Christ.  I am certain that I have written this in messages before and it is because it has made such a difference for me.  It is ok to recognize things for what they are, hold on, and realize that things will change and feelings will pass.  Sometimes change takes time.  Actually, change always takes time! We need the time to help us move away from that fire, stop feeling the heat and move toward the peace that comes through recovery.