The Team

I’m really not a sports person, but from the very beginning I viewed steps of my recovery as a team effort.  I knew that I couldn’t do it alone and I am very grateful for those that have been there for me.

Finding out about your spouse’s sex addition is hard, to say the least!  My first feeling was shock and disbelief.  I can’t separate the two from that moment because I experienced them simultaneously.  My second feeling was being alone.  I felt that no one would understand what I was feeling and I was on my own.  So, from my analogy, the first member of the team was me.  I was outnumbered.  Any team that I came against would have rolled right over me.  I had lost before I even got started.

So, I needed to recruit. 

It didn’t take long because I soon saw that I wasn’t alone in this and that the Coach was right there.  He was my Bishop.  He counseled with me daily in the beginning, then several times a week and then weekly.  He gave me the “handbook”,  the 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program.  He didn't make decisions for me, but directed me, counseled me and loved me.  I felt no judgment, just support.

At this point I viewed my husband as just someone in the stands.  I didn’t even want him in the game.  But he saw how alone I was and suggested that I tell my closest friends.  This gave me Other Team Members.  I also confided in my Visiting Teachers who also became members of the team. 

All of that was good, but I really needed specialists; someone that knew the “game play” and had more experience on the court than I had.  I was blessed with people that came into my life who had these life experiences and shared their stories with me.  Offense and Defense Coaches.  Experienced players who knew the game, knew the strategies and knew how to win.  Many of these people came from support groups.

Sports camps and clinics develop specific skills and help players see ways to improve that they couldn’t have seen otherwise.  Camp Directors and Clinic Specialists are able to work one on one with the player to identify a pattern that isn’t working and coach them through one that will.  Counselors and Therapists have been this for me. 

Many times I just wanted to be “benched” and let the other players take the lead, but in this game that isn’t possible.  However, they “assist” and cheer me on so that it doesn’t feel like I am carrying it all by myself. 

After a time, my husband came out of the bleachers and joined the team.  This was my choice and my timing.  I did, however, rely less on the other  members of the team as I was beginning to trust him and beginning to heal. 

The owner of the team is generally not seen.  It is the players and the coach that get the visibility.  The owner of my team bought me with a ransom.  He paid a high price for me.  He sees my potential and feels that the investment in me is worth it.  He is my Lord and my Savior Jesus Christ.  When I can’t see where this is headed or believe in myself, I can rely on him.  He does.  I also have to remember, he did the same for Jeff too.

As in any other team, members are traded and new ones come in.  Our children are a large part of our team and that part will not change.  They know what happened, we continue to work through this together (because they have their own healing that needs to happen) and as we do our team grows stronger.  We have taken our whole family through the 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program and did it as Family Home Evenings. 

As my healing progresses I have the opportunity to join other teams, to give support in the way that I was able to receive it.

This is a simplistic way of looking at a complex issue, but my hope is that you will see that in this you are never alone.  Allowing others appropriately into your life and on to “your team” will bring help.  Follow the spirit.  Share when you feel safe to share.   

“So run, that ye may obtain” 1 Cor 9:24

We can do this!