Thursday, November 26, 2015

Once Upon a Thanksgiving...

Holidays and anniversaries are big triggers for me.  This year, thankfully, has been better than the last 3 Thanksgivings.  Right now, right in this moment, things are good for Jeff and I.  I hope it's real. I pray it's real, but I don't trust it completely and I don't know if I ever will.  But I have decided not to put that expectation on my table.  I am just recognizing that I'm trusting as much as I can at the moment, no matter what that means.

I didn't celebrate any holidays for at least a year after discovery, at best I just showed up.  Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving...I didn't plan for, I just got through the days.  I did as much as I could for my children's birthdays but for our wedding anniversary, my birthday and Jeff's...they were just another day. 

I didn't plan for the holidays because I didn't know if they would really happen, if our family would be together.  So for me it was easier not to plan.  The days come and go anyway, regardless of our level of planning. 

My focus was, and continues to be, on my healing.  It sounded selfish to me at first to think that I was focusing on me, but when I didn't focus on my healing, I had less to give.  The more I focus on my healing and the more I recover, the more I have to give.  It is one of those built in miracles that our Heavenly Father has for me and for all of us.

So, I think that after all these years I am finally understanding better what this holiday is all about.  A Holy Day.  A day to thank my Heavenly Father for His many gifts and today I am thankful for the gift of where I am in recovery and grateful for the reality of further recovery.  I am grateful that I didn't give up when I so desperately wanted to.  I am grateful for those that are on this same journey with me, for their faith, examples and selflessness. 

For this holiday - this Holy Day - I don't have tangible things to show for it, but I feel that I have much more than I ever have before.  I may not like the "car" that I have travelled in or the "bumps in the road", but I am grateful where this journey is headed.

Finally, even though I am repeating myself, I am truly grateful.