I know that I cannot compete with the images, etc that Jeff saw, my body
has produced 6 amazing children. It has gotten large, labored very heavily in
bringing these children in the world, is scarred from a c-section and with
stretch marks from carrying big boys. I do not look at those stretch marks or
the saggy skin that remains and think how beautiful it is. I have contemplated
a tummy tuck to get rid of it, but then I think of how vain that really is and
that these scars, stretch marks and saggy skin are my trophy for sacrificing my
body so that 6 others might have theirs, giving Jeff the gift of 6
children.
Still, I don’t feel beautiful. I am an emotional eater and I love having
the feeling of being full. Then I count the calories and see the damage that
I’ve done, cut way back the next day or work out extra to “pay for” what I’ve
done. Ultimately I want to be happy in my own skin. I want to be healthy and
feel beautiful, but I don’t hear those words as often as I need to. I usually
have to ask. Although to my husband's credit he does say it more often than he ever did before.
I don’t know why their addiction has to be so damaging to us, but it
is.
So, that is my acknowledgement of where I am and how I believe I got
here.
Now, where I should be is knowing that I am a BEAUTIFUL, RADIANT DAUGHTER
OF GOD!!! I've heard all the lessons and many times I've taught them. I believe we are taught lessons of our self worth from the time that we are small so that when the storms of life rage we do
not let them defeat us. Sister Susan W. Tanner gave a beautiful talk in October
2005 called The
Sanctity of the Body. In it she said, “Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body,
and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do
everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled
the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this
great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and
addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship
their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as
an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to
raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the
body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect.”
I wish I could remember where I saw this, but
I saw a quote that said something like, “When Satan tells you that you have an
ugly body you say, at least I HAVE a body!” It was worded better than that.
It was cute and made a good
point. Satan cannot go any further in his progression. He is done. He is trying
to get us to stunt our progression by mistreating our bodies in any number of
ways. The first thing he has to do is to convince us that we are not worth
while. We need the very foundation of knowing that we are truly children of
God.
I love Paul in the New Testament. In Acts 17 he
totally says it like it is. He tells the Athenians, “I perceive that in all
things ye are too superstitious. For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions,
I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye
ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you.”
So, he could have blasted them, told them they
were all lost and fallen, worshiping wrongly, placing their devotions in things
of stone that are man made but instead he tells them, “They that should seek
the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find
him though he be not far from everyone of us; for in him we live, and move, and
have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his
offspring.”
We are His offspring and he is not far from
everyone of us. We know this when we “feel after him” we are meant to be
FEELING beings. We FEEL the Spirit, we FEEL a burning in our bosom, we FEEL
compassion. You and I need to FEEL the love that He has for us. I haven’t
figured this all out. I wish I did. For me, body image is an everyday,
everyday, everyday thing. But I am approaching it in a much healthier way than
I was before. I still look in the mirror or in pictures and all I see is fat.
I am not sure how to change that right now, but I am working on it. So, when
you look at me I suspect that you don’t think fat or ugly (at least I hope!). So why do we think that of ourselves? Our self esteem was
smashed by our husband’s actions. We are in recovery and this is part of our
recovery. I continue to take this walk one day at a time and feel privileged to be walking along side many strong, amazing women!.
My goal is to accept Paul's teachings to "feel after Him" and feel the love that my Savior has for me. He loves me no matter what shape and size I am. He just loves me...and I need to love me too.
