Every one of our lives is filled with hills and valleys. Suffice it to say, it has been a bumpy ride. I am not going to go into detail here, but if you feel the need to reach out to me, feel free to do so!
Just when I thought I had a handle on my recovery I was again thrown for a loop. This one has been tough. Harder to get up, harder to process, harder to heal, but the journey continues.
This is going to be a short and sweet post. I found a resource that has made a profound impact on the recoveries of both mine and my husband's. It is called Helping Her Heal by Doug Weiss. It is not a free resource, I apologize for that. But it is worth EVERY PENNY!!! Also I do not get any sort of money from anything that I have listed on my blog. I only give links to things that have been impactful and helpful for me. You can also view things that Doug Weiss has on YouTube to see if it is something that interests you.
If you do get Helping Her Heal, please watch it with your spouse. I would also have a notebook handy. So....I have a goal to get back on the recovery horse, post regularly, get out of my depression and find happiness in who I am. I wish that happiness for you too!
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Sunday, January 15, 2017
After Relapse...
First off, in my weekly email I promised an easy link to support groups. The first one is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ARP Spouse and Family Support. CLICK HERE to find a group. There are both phone in and in person.
The second one is through The Arbor and they use Healing Through Christ. It is a fantastic resource.
CLICK HERE to find a group and to find the resource Healing Through Christ. They are on the same page, on the right hand side of the page (if on a computer screen).
Well, as for me the fog has lifted. I am not under the effects of my medication now (although I am SO GRATEFUL for modern medicine...because I NEEDED it!). I am getting back on my feet and things are getting better.
Thankfully Jeff chose to go to our Bishop and had a good talk with him. Jeff is starting over again, I am starting over again. I probably will never know what it takes for him to go to the bishop, but I am grateful that he did. Jeff has also been very supportive of me seeking help and support. He is supportive of what I write in my emails and on my blog. I am so grateful to sweet family and friends that showered me in love and support. I would not be doing as well in my healing were it not for you.
I often wonder, what life would be like if no one knew my story. If I had never started this blog, if I remained in anonymity. I guess, I won't know that because that is not my reality. But with what my reality IS has given me some of the most precious friends I would never have met otherwise.
Choosing to be open with my story has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I questioned the decision, prayed about it, agonized over it, decided....questioned again, prayed again, etc. For our story to become public first came at the invitation of others, who, by profession, knew the enormity of the need. I know personally how much it helps me to be supported by others that have the same experience. After a time, Jeff and I decided together that it was right to make it public. Surprisingly, it was Jeff who was more willing to have his story told than I was.
We were invited to be participants in a panel type fireside with our therapist and another couple that was in 5 years of recovery. We went around to each unit of our stake and presented the same thing. Each one varied with questions that were asked, but the same message was delivered. Then when we moved to China we told our branch president where we had been and where we were in our recoveries. We were then asked to present our experiences in our branch there and to start LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program support groups. With great support from our local (and not so local) leaders, we were able to help in this process. After that I was invited to speak in Hong Kong at the ASIA Women's Conference. This one scared me the most.
Each time I prayerfully balanced what needed to be said and what need not be said. I don't go into detail. In the LDS Addiction Recovery support groups we do not go into detail for the simple reason that it may trigger another individual that is attending the group. I have not found it helpful to go into detail with anyone other than my therapist and my church leader. The whole point of this is to heal and when I am triggered or dwelling on the past, I don't heal.
Discovering Jeff's relapse this time threw me back several steps in recovery, mainly because of my fear of the unknown. Today is a different day. We have talked openly. He has been very supportive of me in my need to express my feelings on my blog. This has helped him in his personal healing too. We aren't afraid of anyone finding out, because we did that on our own terms. People may judge us, as people often do. But that isn't what I am worried about. I learned early on that it is just, what I call, "Reverse Judgment". If I live in fear of what others may or not be thinking of me I will drive myself crazy. There is only one judgment that I am worried about and that is of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If I am doing what he wants me to do, with that being the only motivation, things will turn out the way that they are supposed to.
Relapse happened, yes. Relapse hurts, and it did! But now recovery is happening and healing is happening. Not in huge leaps and bounds, but still happening.
I went to an LDS ARP Spouse and Family Support group tonight and was blessed with a great deal of love and support. We were on Step 6. I am so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord! The name for Step 6 has been changed and I know it was no coincidence that happened tonight for me. The new name of Step 6 is:
The second one is through The Arbor and they use Healing Through Christ. It is a fantastic resource.
CLICK HERE to find a group and to find the resource Healing Through Christ. They are on the same page, on the right hand side of the page (if on a computer screen).
Well, as for me the fog has lifted. I am not under the effects of my medication now (although I am SO GRATEFUL for modern medicine...because I NEEDED it!). I am getting back on my feet and things are getting better.
Thankfully Jeff chose to go to our Bishop and had a good talk with him. Jeff is starting over again, I am starting over again. I probably will never know what it takes for him to go to the bishop, but I am grateful that he did. Jeff has also been very supportive of me seeking help and support. He is supportive of what I write in my emails and on my blog. I am so grateful to sweet family and friends that showered me in love and support. I would not be doing as well in my healing were it not for you.
I often wonder, what life would be like if no one knew my story. If I had never started this blog, if I remained in anonymity. I guess, I won't know that because that is not my reality. But with what my reality IS has given me some of the most precious friends I would never have met otherwise.
Choosing to be open with my story has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I questioned the decision, prayed about it, agonized over it, decided....questioned again, prayed again, etc. For our story to become public first came at the invitation of others, who, by profession, knew the enormity of the need. I know personally how much it helps me to be supported by others that have the same experience. After a time, Jeff and I decided together that it was right to make it public. Surprisingly, it was Jeff who was more willing to have his story told than I was.
We were invited to be participants in a panel type fireside with our therapist and another couple that was in 5 years of recovery. We went around to each unit of our stake and presented the same thing. Each one varied with questions that were asked, but the same message was delivered. Then when we moved to China we told our branch president where we had been and where we were in our recoveries. We were then asked to present our experiences in our branch there and to start LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program support groups. With great support from our local (and not so local) leaders, we were able to help in this process. After that I was invited to speak in Hong Kong at the ASIA Women's Conference. This one scared me the most.
Each time I prayerfully balanced what needed to be said and what need not be said. I don't go into detail. In the LDS Addiction Recovery support groups we do not go into detail for the simple reason that it may trigger another individual that is attending the group. I have not found it helpful to go into detail with anyone other than my therapist and my church leader. The whole point of this is to heal and when I am triggered or dwelling on the past, I don't heal.
Discovering Jeff's relapse this time threw me back several steps in recovery, mainly because of my fear of the unknown. Today is a different day. We have talked openly. He has been very supportive of me in my need to express my feelings on my blog. This has helped him in his personal healing too. We aren't afraid of anyone finding out, because we did that on our own terms. People may judge us, as people often do. But that isn't what I am worried about. I learned early on that it is just, what I call, "Reverse Judgment". If I live in fear of what others may or not be thinking of me I will drive myself crazy. There is only one judgment that I am worried about and that is of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. If I am doing what he wants me to do, with that being the only motivation, things will turn out the way that they are supposed to.
Relapse happened, yes. Relapse hurts, and it did! But now recovery is happening and healing is happening. Not in huge leaps and bounds, but still happening.
I went to an LDS ARP Spouse and Family Support group tonight and was blessed with a great deal of love and support. We were on Step 6. I am so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord! The name for Step 6 has been changed and I know it was no coincidence that happened tonight for me. The new name of Step 6 is:
And the scripture that accompanies it is Doctrine and Covenants 121:9
"Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands."
Thank you friends!
Friday, January 6, 2017
I Hate Relapse!
I Hate Relapse! I hate it! I hate it! I HATE IT!!!!
6 months ago my husband relapsed and didn't tell me. 6 MONTHS!! He had promised me that if he ever relapsed he would tell me within 24 hours. Well, obviously that didn't happen. I discovered it yesterday.
I knew. I have known for a long time that he was doing something. He blamed it on the same old things, work, stress, eating, not exercising. All symptoms and even though we talked through it all, he denied the relapse. I asked him on MULTIPLE occasions if he had relapsed and to every one he said no. Lies. I remember my addict friend saying to me, "You know how to tell when an addict is lying? When their mouth is open." Yep. I hate it.
So, this is an ugly, throw up on the page post. Not a feel good, inspirational one, but one that I need to get out. I looked back at my previous post of "I don't want to leave anything in the garden" and I know that the things in there are true. I know that my Savior, not only WILL help me through this, but began before I even found out.
I have been praying for months to know what is happening, to have Jeff tell me, to have him be honest. Two nights ago I had a very disturbing dream of him relapsing. So horrible I could not even bring myself to say the words of what happened in the dream as I told him. I don't remember the exact words that I said to him after that, but I asked him to tell me it all right then. He started with a plane ticket, just telling me that he planned a business trip a day early so that he could come home a day early on the other end of the trip. But then it led into disclosure of relapse, after relapse, after relapse....going back 6 months.
I am in a horrible place. When I went to one of my first ARP Spouse and Family support meetings the facilitator of the meeting was this tall, beautiful, vibrant woman, full of hope and happiness. She shared how she had felt despondent for 8 months after discovering her husband's addiction. I thought, "8 months??? I don't want to feel this way for 8 more minutes!" But then she shared how much peace she now felt because of recovery. One year later I was back at a meeting and she was there. Not as a facilitator this time, but as a participant. There was a different look on her face this time.
Dark. Cold. Hurt.
I understand now. Relapse.
All of the efforts that I have poured into my recovery feel like they were for nothing, at least in this moment. I can't see light. I know it is there, but I can't reach it. I feel like I am at my lowest point.
I lashed out at Jeff as he told me more things, which of course made me feel worse about myself. Things that he hadn't told me the first time around. More things he was keeping secret. Our therapist, Steve Perkins, told him that he needed to get it all out. ALL of it. He didn't. He kept one in his pocket (at least one that I know of). One that he could entertain himself with, fantasize about and not have to be cleansed from. One that he could visit any time he wanted to. And he has been, which led to the relapse and all of the acting out that accompanied it over the last 6 months.
In this moment that I am in right now, I feel beyond hopeless, beyond love, but still in some remote corner of my heart there is some peace. Maybe it's the medication. I don't know. I just know I don't want to feel this. I don't want this to be real, but it is.
6 months ago my husband relapsed and didn't tell me. 6 MONTHS!! He had promised me that if he ever relapsed he would tell me within 24 hours. Well, obviously that didn't happen. I discovered it yesterday.
I knew. I have known for a long time that he was doing something. He blamed it on the same old things, work, stress, eating, not exercising. All symptoms and even though we talked through it all, he denied the relapse. I asked him on MULTIPLE occasions if he had relapsed and to every one he said no. Lies. I remember my addict friend saying to me, "You know how to tell when an addict is lying? When their mouth is open." Yep. I hate it.
So, this is an ugly, throw up on the page post. Not a feel good, inspirational one, but one that I need to get out. I looked back at my previous post of "I don't want to leave anything in the garden" and I know that the things in there are true. I know that my Savior, not only WILL help me through this, but began before I even found out.
I have been praying for months to know what is happening, to have Jeff tell me, to have him be honest. Two nights ago I had a very disturbing dream of him relapsing. So horrible I could not even bring myself to say the words of what happened in the dream as I told him. I don't remember the exact words that I said to him after that, but I asked him to tell me it all right then. He started with a plane ticket, just telling me that he planned a business trip a day early so that he could come home a day early on the other end of the trip. But then it led into disclosure of relapse, after relapse, after relapse....going back 6 months.
I am in a horrible place. When I went to one of my first ARP Spouse and Family support meetings the facilitator of the meeting was this tall, beautiful, vibrant woman, full of hope and happiness. She shared how she had felt despondent for 8 months after discovering her husband's addiction. I thought, "8 months??? I don't want to feel this way for 8 more minutes!" But then she shared how much peace she now felt because of recovery. One year later I was back at a meeting and she was there. Not as a facilitator this time, but as a participant. There was a different look on her face this time.
Dark. Cold. Hurt.
I understand now. Relapse.
All of the efforts that I have poured into my recovery feel like they were for nothing, at least in this moment. I can't see light. I know it is there, but I can't reach it. I feel like I am at my lowest point.
I lashed out at Jeff as he told me more things, which of course made me feel worse about myself. Things that he hadn't told me the first time around. More things he was keeping secret. Our therapist, Steve Perkins, told him that he needed to get it all out. ALL of it. He didn't. He kept one in his pocket (at least one that I know of). One that he could entertain himself with, fantasize about and not have to be cleansed from. One that he could visit any time he wanted to. And he has been, which led to the relapse and all of the acting out that accompanied it over the last 6 months.
In this moment that I am in right now, I feel beyond hopeless, beyond love, but still in some remote corner of my heart there is some peace. Maybe it's the medication. I don't know. I just know I don't want to feel this. I don't want this to be real, but it is.
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