I Hate Relapse!

I Hate Relapse!  I hate it!  I hate it!  I HATE IT!!!!

6 months ago my husband relapsed and didn't tell me.  6 MONTHS!! He had promised me that if he ever relapsed he would tell me within 24 hours.  Well, obviously that didn't happen.  I discovered it yesterday.

I knew.  I have known for a long time that he was doing something.  He blamed it on the same old things, work, stress, eating, not exercising.  All symptoms and even though we talked through it all, he denied the relapse.  I asked him on MULTIPLE occasions if he had relapsed and to every one he said no.  Lies.  I remember my addict friend saying to me, "You know how to tell when an addict is lying?  When their mouth is open."  Yep.  I hate it.

So, this is an ugly, throw up on the page post.  Not a feel good, inspirational one, but one that I need to get out.  I looked back at my previous post of "I don't want to leave anything in the garden" and I know that the things in there are true.  I know that my Savior, not only WILL help me through this, but began before I even found out.

I have been praying for months to know what is happening, to have Jeff tell me, to have him be honest.  Two nights ago I had a very disturbing dream of him relapsing.  So horrible I could not even bring myself to say the words of what happened in the dream as I told him.  I don't remember the exact words that I said to him after that, but I asked him to tell me it all right then.  He started with a plane ticket, just telling me that he planned a business trip a day early so that he could come home a day early on the other end of the trip. But then it led into disclosure of relapse, after relapse, after relapse....going back 6 months.

I am in a horrible place. When I went to one of my first ARP Spouse and Family support meetings the facilitator of the meeting was this tall, beautiful, vibrant woman, full of hope and happiness.  She shared how she had felt despondent for 8 months after discovering her husband's addiction.  I thought, "8 months???  I don't want to feel this way for 8 more minutes!"  But then she shared how much peace she now felt because of recovery.  One year later I was back at a meeting and she was there.  Not as a facilitator this time, but as a participant.  There was a different look on her face this time.

Dark.  Cold.  Hurt.

I understand now.  Relapse.

All of the efforts that I have poured into my recovery feel like they were for nothing, at least in this moment.  I can't see light.  I know it is there, but I can't reach it.  I feel like I am at my lowest point.

I lashed out at Jeff as he told me more things, which of course made me feel worse about myself.  Things that he hadn't told me the first time around.  More things he was keeping secret.  Our therapist, Steve Perkins, told him that he needed to get it all out.  ALL of it.  He didn't.  He kept one in his pocket (at least one that I know of).  One that he could entertain himself with, fantasize about and not have to be cleansed from.  One that he could visit any time he wanted to.  And he has been, which led to the relapse and all of the acting out that accompanied it over the last 6 months.

In this moment that I am in right now, I feel beyond hopeless, beyond love, but still in some remote corner of my heart there is some peace.  Maybe it's the medication.  I don't know.  I just know I don't want to feel this.  I don't want this to be real, but it is.