**This link: https://salifeline.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Recovery-Brochure-08132016-Approved.pdf is an additional help with Betrayal Trauma. I have been having trouble with it working, so if it does not work, please do a search for Pornography: From Chaos to Recovery. It is a powerful resource!
As posted on www.covenanteyes.com
http://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/07/06/the-effects-of-pornography-on-wives-and-marriages/
The Effects of Pornography on Wives
and Marriages
Joe and
Patty came to my office in crisis. Patty had recently discovered Joe viewing
internet pornography late at night. A search of the computer’s history revealed
chronic use of porn. Joe admitted he had a problem with Internet pornography
and vowed to get help. He was truly sorry for hurting Patty, but he could not
understand why she was so upset about it. Joe couldn’t understand why she had
so much difficulty forgiving him and moving on with their relationship.
What Joe
didn’t understand is how pornography affects wives.
Impact on Wives
For many
women, discovering that their husbands have been viewing pornography is similar
to uncovering an extramarital affair. As a result, they experience a variety of
emotions: anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and rejection. They believe their
husbands would rather be with the women they view in pornography rather than
their wives. Often they feel that they have been replaced by a computer image.
The woman on the computer screen is “the other woman.” Because of this, many
women are devastated whey they discover their husbands have been looking at
porn.
For many
wives, their husbands’ use of pornography is a violation of marital trust. When
a man and woman marry, they vow to love, honor and cherish each other for the
rest of their lives. Viewing pornography is akin to breaking these vows because
they are in no way a sign of a man’s love, honor and respect for his wife. For
these women, the men they married all of a sudden seem like strangers. Many
feel like a fool for ever having trusted their husbands. For some women, the
violation of trust is so deep that they question if they can go on with their
marriage. While they might be able to forgive their husbands, rebuilding trust
can be extremely difficult.
Pornography
invading the home can also lead a wife to feel old, unattractive and sexually
undesirable. It’s no secret that most of the women in pornography are just over
18 years of age. Furthermore, thanks to plastic surgery, makeup and digital
photographic enhancement, most of the women in pornography do not exist in real
life. They are too “perfect.” A wife in her mid-thirties, who has had a few
children, might be very beautiful; however, she does not look like a 19 year
old. Because of this, she may think, “How can I compete with the young girls in
porn?” This can lead her to feel ugly, undesirable and rejected by her husband.
This is further compounded by the effects pornography can have on a man’s
sexual performance. A man who is addicted to pornography can become so accustomed
to being sexually aroused by the “perfect” women in pornography that he can
eventually find it difficult to perform sexually with his own wife.
Impact on Husbands
Studies
have shown that men crave respect from their wives more than love. Pornography
robs men of this basic need. Pornography use almost always leads women to lose
respect for her husbands. They also begin to view their husbands as poor role
models for their children. This adds to the lack of respect. This can be very
painful for women because it inhibits their ability to love, honor and respect
their husbands. Men were created to be the leaders, providers and protectors of
their wives and families. Pornography prevents men from being able to fulfill
these roles because it leads a man to isolate himself and neglect his wife and
children. This deepens the trust wound in the marriage.
In
addition to the emotional effects that pornography has on wives and marriages,
it can also have physical ramifications. When a man becomes addicted to pornography,
he eventually develops a tolerance to it. What was once sexually arousing
becomes boring and uninteresting. Thus, he can go from viewing soft porn to
hardcore porn. After a while, even this is not enough. He may develop a desire
to perform the sexual acts he has seen in pornography. This can lead to using
prostitutes and engaging in anonymous sex. With this comes the risk of
contracting sexually transmitted diseases.
With one
couple I treated, the wife found out about her husband’s pornography/sex addiction
from her physician. She had gone to her gynecologist for her annual examination
and was informed that she had a sexually transmitted disease. She had gotten it
from her husband who had been frequenting prostitutes. Since she had always
been faithful to her husband, she knew she caught the disease from him. After
confronting him, he confessed. One can hardly imaging the devastation this
couple felt. Although this couple loved each other dearly and were committed to
mending their marriage, it took months of therapy to work on forgiveness and
rebuilding trust.
Fortunately,
most couples are not like the one just described. Most are like Joe and Patty.
When people think of addiction recovery, they often envision the addict
attending 12-step group meetings and individual therapy sessions. While these
are needed for recovery, marital therapy is also needed to heal the deep wounds
inflicted on the marital relationship.
Moving Toward Healing
In all
cases, wives need to learn how to forgive their husbands. This comes by understanding the deep emotional wounds that lead a man into
pornography addiction. When one understands that
addictive behaviors are often symptoms of deeper wounds, it becomes easier to
have compassion and forgive. Trust also has to be rebuilt in the marriage. This comes from the husband taking responsibility for his
recovery and proving his trustworthiness to his wife. As forgiveness and trust
grow, the couple experiences healing in their relationship. Thus, addiction
recovery is not just for the addict, it involves spouses and families too.
Couples need
to realize that even the most devastating situations can lead to greater love,
trust and intimacy in a marriage. There is always hope. However, it starts by
husbands understanding how their pornography use affects their wives and
marriage. It is my hope that this understanding will prevent men from viewing
pornography as well as help heal marriages that have been damaged by
pornography use.
Photo
credit: lifementalhealthpics
. . . .
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