In my journey there have been many hard lessons. Many lessons I never wanted to learn. Many things I've never wanted to face. Betrayal Trauma is one of those things I never knew existed. But when I read about it I feel like someone has had a hidden camera inside my mind and heart.
Navigating Betrayal Trauma has been hard for me. My emotions will be all over the place. I doubt myself to make decisions. I doubt that I will ever feel love again. I don't believe that healing can ever happen. Then it seems the pendulum swings far the other way and I do feel hope. I do have faith. I do believe that healing will happen.
In the messy, mixed up parts of this swinging pendulum I have had to learn how to process my feelings. Which ones to let pass and which ones to hold on to.
One technique that I am learning more about is Detaching With Love. I've heard that phrase countless times in support groups, books and counseling. I don't have it down yet, but I have found a resource that is helpful:
I haven't found a magic wand to make it all go away yet. So as I continue down the path of healing and recovery I watch for things that really make a difference. The wisdom from this site did for me. I hope it can help you too as you click on that link above and access Heavenly help from above too.
We can do this!
Here is the text from the article:
What is Detachment?
Detachment is learning how to stop your reactivity to the addict. One of the biggest challenges we professionals have comes after the intervention and when the addict has accepted help and enters treatment.
Many would think it is more difficult for the family when they refuse help, and sadly this is not the case. The reactivity and inability to detach when we remove the substance user from the family system are astonishing. Families have become addicted to the routine, the chaos, and the insanity. When the addict is no longer there to blame, the family instinctively carries out the chaos and drama.
Prior to the intervention, the family tells us they can not take it anymore, and the addict is incapable of telling the truth. Three days after the intervention, the family is screaming at us that their loved one just called with a laundry list of complaints about the facility, and what they are saying is 100% true. Families just can’t let go of those reactions and find it impossible to detach.
Families can love the addict and not the addiction or the behaviors associated with it. It is ok to say no, and it is ok not to react. Here are some examples of detachment that should take place and often do not:
- Learning not to create a crisis or react to a crisis – When they call you, you don’t have to provide an immediate response. Fact-check their comments and concerns. Run your responses past your treatment team. It is OK to say NO.
- Learning not to prevent a crisis – The addict should be held accountable. Bad planning and decision-making on their part should not constitute an emergency on your part.
- Do Not light yourself on fire so they can be warm – Helping is doing something for somebody that can not do things for themselves. Enabling is helping someone who can do things for themselves and doesn’t have to because you’re taking care of it for them.
- Do Not Parallel your emotions and feelings to theirs – If they feel better, you feel better. If they feel worse, you feel worse. This is enmeshed codependency, and detaching from this rollercoaster is highly advised.
- Do Not allow yourself to be the cause of their problems – The addict runs around with their blame thrower on full blast at all times. Allowing yourself to feel bad feeds their justification that everything and everyone else is the problem. This also fills you with guilt and shame. Detach from their blame-throwing and take care of yourself.
- Enter family recovery and self-help groups such as Al-Anon – You are not responsible for their addiction, and you are responsible for your recovery. You are also not responsible for your loved ones’ recovery. You have no control over them, and you have full control over how you choose to react to them.
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