The Blown Glass Temple

When we were married we received a beautiful blown glass figurine of the Salt Lake Temple.  Over the years we went through three of these due to six kids and me being accident prone.

It was the Valentines Day before I discovered my husband’s addiction and I tried to rekindle the romance in our marriage.  I knew that something was wrong, we were distant from each other, and I thought it would be helpful if I gave Jeff gifts that were reminders of our wedding day.  One was a new blown glass temple to replace the other 3 that broke.  The day that I discovered his addiction I took it from the shelf and threw it in the trash.  It didn’t take much for it to shatter.

I told him that our marriage was that delicate blown glass temple. When I found out about his addiction it felt like he took a sledge hammer, smashed it and then handed me a bottle of Elmer's glue to fix it.  There were overwhelming feelings at the beginning and I felt helpless, not knowing where to begin or if healing was even possible.  Much like the feeling of holding a bottle of glue, looking at that pile of shattered glass and becoming aware of the impossible task of putting it all back together. How could I ever begin?

The glass temple - our marriage

The sledge hammer - addiction
Smashing it - acting out
The bottle of glue - sometimes his recovery, other times mine

When we try to repair this shattered temple he sees himself working hard (which he is) and thinks that he’s making a difference in that pile of glass. I see myself working hard (which I am) and I think I’m also making a difference on that same pile.

The truth is that neither of us is making great progress on rebuilding that temple.  Sifting through the glass for me is PTSD, reliving the hurt and replaying the events, feeling hopeless, hurt, anger, no trust, etc.  Through this I end up injured and bleeding. Shards of glass go deep into my fingers and I need assistance in getting them out.  When he sifts through the glass he feels my hurt, anger, mistrust and the negative feelings that fed the addiction; also resulting in injured bleeding fingers that too will be in need of help.

Two people who’d never been in this situation before and don’t have the knowledge, tools, experience or expertise of how to fix it.  

This recognition takes steps 1-9 of the Addiction Recovery Program. The next step is full surrender of all the pieces to where the temple originally came from.

The hands of the Maker. 

It is only He who can melt down the glass and reform it to its original beauty.  This is the promise of real recovery. The process takes extreme temperatures (refiner's fire) and letting go all pieces into another's hands (true surrender and trust in God). Even when we surrender the pieces, we have never really given up ownership of the temple, just loaned it back to the one that fashioned it in the first place.  

Now we make Him an integral part of our healing process. After of all of this He does not ask a price, He reminds us that He paid for it long ago. Through this we are able to feel love and gratitude for Him and from Him. Then, if we’re willing, we can start to feel the love for each other and begin to fill that beautifully repaired, renewed temple with steps 10-12, Daily Accountability, Personal Revelation from God, and Service to others.

*photograph used with permission
Sculpting in Motion Inc.

What's Mine is Mine...

At about 8 months in after discovery and having read everything that I could get my hands on about pornography/masturbation/sex addiction, I thought “ENOUGH!!!”  I realized that everything that I was reading and pouring myself into was stuff that I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk to other people about.  When my friends asked if I’d read any good books lately I didn’t want to reply, “Yes, and I understand masturbation much more than I did before...” or something like that.  I felt like I was losing touch with the rest of my life because I was so involved in trying to understand something that I really didn’t want to understand.  Some of those things are triggers for me, even now.  So, I am choosy with what I am reading and how I am spending my time. 

 

I really enjoy the church’s format in the Spouse and Family Member ARP because we don’t talk about the acting out.  The reason for that is because we could trigger each other and then a safe place becomes a painful one.

My reading and processing became understanding the addiction itself and not the acting out.  This is a more involved part.  There were problems in my marriage long before I discovered it.  Those behaviors and where they came from are the focus of understanding the addiction.  The way that I see my husband’s addiction is this:

There was something painful, embarrassing, or hurtful that happened in his life.  It didn’t need to be a one time thing, it can be something that happened over a period of time or general upbringing.  So this painful thing he put into a box and did everything that he could to protect that box and prevent this unprocessed pain from escaping.  This box is surrounded by triggers.  Any one of those triggers is as painful as the real thing that’s in the box.  Then a layer of dysfunctional behaviors surround the triggers.  These behaviors are intended to steer clear of the triggers.  They aren’t always, but sometimes become addictions.  The addiction is self medication to prevent him from feeling the emotions of the triggers and ultimately reach inside the box.  In the mind of the addict the thing inside the box grows larger, more powerful and more frightening as time goes on, and so the triggers and behaviors grow as well and the cycle continues until something interrupts it.

What I research now is where this ultimately came from.  Pornography/MB/Sex Addiction is a symptom of a separate issue (the monster in the box).  Finding out that issue has been an important key in Jeff’s recovery process.  It has been HARD!  Those triggers around the box are really strong!  But once he was able to open the box and see what is inside, it wasn’t as bad as what he had let it become.  Still, there are feelings of inferiority, anger, regret, fear, sadness...etc.  Slowly as he is letting go of these individual things, through processing those emotions, he is gaining power over the box. 

In a counseling session that I had with Rod Jeppsen (Author of Lord I Believe Help Thou Mine Unbelief), he shed a lot of light on this.  He said that especially when damaging things have happened in our childhood  we generally cannot go back and find the person or people that did it.  Or the situation is that the individual has no remorse and no desire for restitution.  We cannot make someone else fix it, but we DO have the ability within ourselves to fix it.  We can be the individual that is the champion for that little boy or little girl that these things happened to.  We can do for that hurt little boy or girl what we wish had been done for us at the time.  It is easy in our minds to default and replay the hurtful events, however we can reprogram our minds and play out ourselves coming to our own rescue.  We can give ourselves permission to not live in that moment, to heal from it and to move on.

I was able to put this concept into play for myself.  I am a victim of sexual abuse.  I experienced a rough time for many years because of this.  For me this was a one time event, but had long term effects.  I felt like it was my fault (victim mentality), I didn’t think I could talk to anyone about it, I felt like a very bad person and that no one would love me.  It was hard for me to understand how God could love me at all.  It took me 11 years before I talked about it the first time and that didn’t go well, so I decided to lock it back in that box.  It took another 20 years before I talked about it again, after seeking counseling and understanding Jeff’s addiction. 

Some things just take time.  But putting Rod Jeppsen’s counsel to work showed me that that little 8 year old girl could have done nothing to have prevented this.  It was a horrible misuse of someone else's agency that led to my hurt. 

I read a great quote from Oprah Winfrey the other day that says, “Nobody but you is responsible for your life.  It doesn’t matter what your mama did; it doesn’t matter what your daddy didn’t do.  You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself.  You are responsible for the energy that you bring to others.”

Our issues often stem from an outside source, but what we do with it and finding the help that we need is our responsibility.  It is important to understand where it came from and we may never receive any resolution from the involved individuals.  That is my situation and that is ok.  I can now talk about my abuse without cringing, crying, or wanting to crawl into a hole.  It is what it is.  It happened.  I did not bring it on and I do not have to let it define me.

We do not have to spend our time researching more about pornography, masturbation, sex addiction or other forms of acting out.  We already know what that is.  What we do need to understand is what led our husbands to choose pornography/mb/sex addiction as a drug, what the affects have been and what steps to take next.  When our husbands or other addicted loved ones choose to discover this for themselves, that is where real change will take place.

My recovery is my recovery, his recovery is his recovery and when we both have good individual recoveries then together we can recover our marriage.  I really did not think it was possible to recover my marriage.  But it is happening.  And I am grateful.

 

There is Hope

One of the first things I recognized I'd lost was Hope.  I was devastated, lost, empty, confused, depressed, angry, skeptical, ready to run, just wanting answers and an end to the pain. 

It has been 7 weeks since Jeff’s relapse and I wasn’t sure what the future would be on that first day, regardless of my feelings or situation there was still hope.  Hope does not guarantee the outcome that we think is right, but it does guarantee the outcome that our Savior knows is right. 

President Boyd K. Packer said in his last address, “The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars.  That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone.  And when He atoned, that settled that.  There are so many of us who are thrashing around...with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape.  You escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.

“The Atonement which can wash clean every stain no matter how difficult or how long or how many times repeated.  The Atonement can put you free again to move forward, cleanly and worthily, to pursue that path that you have chosen in life.”

I usually read things like this with the “sinner” in mind, (which we all are) but I went back and read it as spouse of an addict.  It was very different.  I have certainly been “thrashing around...not knowing quite how to escape”.  And President Packer is right.  We do escape by accepting Christ’s Atonement.  And then, “all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.”  Which brings us back to the unguaranteed outcome.  I don’t know what it will be, and I don’t have to.  I just need to keep looking for the Hope that is in Him and He will lift me.

In President Deiter F. Uchtdorf’s General Women’s Conference talk he told a parable called “A Summer With Great Aunt Rose”.  He said, “The Holy Ghost will help you to find the message for you in this parable.”  He quotes a conversation between Great Aunt Rose and her Great Grand Niece, Eva.  It goes as follows:

“There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy.  But I know people, who even when things don’t work out, focus on the wonders and miracles of life.  These folks are the happiest people I know.”

“But,” Eva said, “you can’t just flip a switch and go from sad to happy.”

“No, perhaps not, but God didn’t design us to be sad.  He created us to have joy!  So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life.  And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly , how many good things do?  Seems to me that the best things...take patience and work.”

No, there isn’t a switch, and I have been looking for one!  In those darkest moments that I have been in, and at the times that I have turned to God in prayer, He has answered me.  One very difficult day, the only words that I could get out in a prayer were, “Please help.”  The words that came to my mind after this were, “Be still, and watch and listen”.  I know that was a direct answer to my prayer in that critical moment. 

 My dear sweet sisters, we are so not alone in this.  He will not leave us.  He is our Hope.

My Hardest Post To This Point

So.  This is a very difficult post to make and one that I have been putting off. 

Relapse is something that I have feared from day one.  It is something that my husband had the goal of not doing, however, it has happened.  Now all of those sections on relapse that I skipped in books, I need to go back and read.  In the mean time there is some good that has come of this.  I know, that sounds so weird to say.

So, what are the good things?  He came to me to tell me and he didn't leave it for me to discover, although I was in the US and he was in China (that alone was super difficult).  He also told our Branch President and District President (our local religious leaders).  He offered to turn in his temple recommend (this is a big deal for a member of the LDS Church).  He emailed our counselor in the US.  He called my parents and told them and he told each of our children.  He also started the Fortify Program with my son.  Our counselor told him that he could use this relapse as a catalyst for recovery if he chooses to do so. 

Relapse is hard.  One of the resources I have on my list is Suncrest Counseling.  They have many free articles that are incredible resources.  Click HERE for a list of resources dealing with relapse.  To be honest these are articles that I skipped over because I didn't want to deal with relapse.  I felt like I had enough to deal with working on my own recovery.  I didn't want to entertain the possibility of relapse by being prepared for it.

My response to Jeff's relapse was numbness.  I was far away, I couldn't see him, see the reactions on his face, have any sense of honesty, remorse or anything.  I felt like I was just on hold, having to get through the next 2 weeks until I was back in China with him.  Once I got to China all of my held in feelings came out and I needed him to hear them.  I needed him to hear me and see me for who I am. 

Trust wasn't there completely before the relapse and I don't know where it is now.  It isn't even on the radar.  But I don't feel the devastation that I did with initial discovery.  That has been a blessing. 

In Rhyll Crowshaw's book What Can I Do About Me she says:
"God is doing things in our lives that sometimes hurt abominably.  They are very painful.  Yet what He is doing is transforming us from average women to exceptional women.  The process is not easy, and it's certainly not comfortable, but it is worth it.  What this process will do is refine us - whatever challenge we go through.  It is essential for us to understand that pain is often the pathway to progress."

If you don't know Rhyll's story, it is one worth reading.  She knows what she is talking about because she lived it and is living in recovery now. 

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:
"I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us.  He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know.  He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like.  And this will require us to accept with all our hearts - particularly your generation - the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives and that you have rendezvous to keep, individually and collectively."

Yes, relapse is not comfortable or something that I like.  But if I truly believe in the words of living prophets I do not have to stay in this moment. 

Elder Maxwell went on to say:
"The future 'you' is before him now.  He knows what it is he wishes to bring to pass in your life.  He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve.  Now, this will require us to believe in that divine design and at times to accept the truth which came to Joseph Smith wherein he was reminded that his suffering would be 'but a small moment'".
But for a Small Moment, Neal A. Maxwell BYU Speeches

It is important to understand that God is NOT DOING THIS TO US.  He did not inspire our husbands to act out in a sexual addiction.  What God did do is see the future "me" before him now.  He knew these would be choices that Jeff would make and he knew that it would affect someone.  He let me choose to marry Jeff, knowing what was ahead.  He is letting me grow in ways that I did not see coming or even think I could make it through.  He is also blessing me with many new friends that are walking along the same path in order to help and support each other.  But first and foremost, He sent His son, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to this earth before me.  Christ has already paid for Jeff's sins and he has already suffered for my hurts.  I am learning to give them to Him.  He paid for them.  They belong to Him.  Jeff can be free from sin and I can be free from suffering.  It can happen and one step at a time... it is.

Is My Spouse Really In Recovery?

#1 for me is the fear of my husband returning to his addiction.  Every character weakness, every behavior, every anniversary of the discovery date, everything that is in some way a reminder seems to breathe new breath into this fear.  I don’t want it.  It feels very heavy for me to carry.  I want to be able to lay this down at the feet of my Savior and experience joy in my life.  

I have recently heard the following questions and concerns:

“My husband confessed his addiction to me but won’t talk to me about it.  He gets defensive any time I bring it up.  Do you think it is a problem?”

“My husband gets calls on his phone that he doesn’t want seen.  Do you think that I should confront him about it?”

“He doesn’t give me access to his phone.”

“My husband changes passwords without telling me.”

“My husband won’t give me passwords or access to all of our financial records.”

“He quickly turns off his phone or computer when I come in the room.” 

I asked my husband, recovering porn addict, what his take on this and others and here is what he said:

“These are all red flags.  In my opinion these men are not in recovery.  If an individual is in active recovery they will not have any problem talking about it.  It isn’t the most comfortable thing, but it is what the situation is now.  The addict needs to have his spouse on his side.  They need to talk openly and often about it.  An addict in recovery will not have anything to hide.” 

Something that has been key in lifting my load is my being willing to let someone else help.  Support in recovery is a very important step.  My feeling is that as the spouse, I have been doing most things alone, parenting, day to day activities, etc.  It is hard and it is heavy, but it is not something that needs to or should be done alone.  The hope is that our spouse will choose recovery and become an active participant not only in his life, but back in our lives and the lives of our children.  But he has to work on his healing first and the reality is that he may not choose recovery.  Still, in this situation we are not alone. 

LDS Family Services outlined the following for the addict and for family members in need of support called Support in Recovery (found under "other resources" on this blog): 

Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost are our greatest sources of support. Recovery and healing are made possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In addition the Lord often works through men and women to bless the lives of His children. All who participate in the addiction recovery program find that they are following the Lord’s counsel to “be faithful . . . succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees” (D&C 81:5).  

As addicts work to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they will benefit from the sources listed below.  

1.        Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting. Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to a happier way of life.  

2.        A support person, experienced in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing relapse.  

3.        Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is essential.  “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage [the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance” (True to the Faith, 134). 

4.        Family members can most effectively be a source of support by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own lives.  “Virtually everyone living in these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles” as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71).  On a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing it. 

5.       Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective when dealing with addiction.  When selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery. 

Participants will have different starting points when seeking support in recovery from addiction. Regardless of the way they start, as they attend recovery support meetings, participants are blessed to be in an environment where the seed of recovery can be planted in their hearts. 

In our experience we did all 5.  It was very important for us to do all 5 and continue to do them.  18 month minimum is the recommendation for counseling.  We were in counseling for 2 years and would continue to be in it if we were still in Ohio.  Participating in these weekly emails, virtually attending the meetings (I try to attend the Ohio group via Skype when I can) and doing my blog have been very helpful in lightening my load. 

I had a wonderful visit with my Branch President today in which he reminded me of some valuable advice given to me from my past Stake President, “Trust but verify”.  Trust will come, but it should not be forced and we should not feel bad because we do not have that yet.  It is earned and it is not all at once.  It will begin small and as it is nourished (verified) it will grow and continue to grow.  I told my husband that trust in the beginning of our marriage was a free gift.  Discovering his addiction shattered it.  It did not even exist any more.  Slowly it is coming, but it is coming, and I am verifying with him and not in secret.  If I look on his phone, I tell him.  If I read his emails, I tell him.  In the past he would have been furious, but now he sees it as a protection for him and for me and says, “It is just fine for you to read them, I don’t have anything to hide and it feels good not to have anything to hide.”

 

The website "Covenant Eyes" has a helpful post called:

10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do these describe your husband?

 

Trust but verify.