What's Mine is Mine...

At about 8 months in after discovery and having read everything that I could get my hands on about pornography/masturbation/sex addiction, I thought “ENOUGH!!!”  I realized that everything that I was reading and pouring myself into was stuff that I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk to other people about.  When my friends asked if I’d read any good books lately I didn’t want to reply, “Yes, and I understand masturbation much more than I did before...” or something like that.  I felt like I was losing touch with the rest of my life because I was so involved in trying to understand something that I really didn’t want to understand.  Some of those things are triggers for me, even now.  So, I am choosy with what I am reading and how I am spending my time. 

 

I really enjoy the church’s format in the Spouse and Family Member ARP because we don’t talk about the acting out.  The reason for that is because we could trigger each other and then a safe place becomes a painful one.

My reading and processing became understanding the addiction itself and not the acting out.  This is a more involved part.  There were problems in my marriage long before I discovered it.  Those behaviors and where they came from are the focus of understanding the addiction.  The way that I see my husband’s addiction is this:

There was something painful, embarrassing, or hurtful that happened in his life.  It didn’t need to be a one time thing, it can be something that happened over a period of time or general upbringing.  So this painful thing he put into a box and did everything that he could to protect that box and prevent this unprocessed pain from escaping.  This box is surrounded by triggers.  Any one of those triggers is as painful as the real thing that’s in the box.  Then a layer of dysfunctional behaviors surround the triggers.  These behaviors are intended to steer clear of the triggers.  They aren’t always, but sometimes become addictions.  The addiction is self medication to prevent him from feeling the emotions of the triggers and ultimately reach inside the box.  In the mind of the addict the thing inside the box grows larger, more powerful and more frightening as time goes on, and so the triggers and behaviors grow as well and the cycle continues until something interrupts it.

What I research now is where this ultimately came from.  Pornography/MB/Sex Addiction is a symptom of a separate issue (the monster in the box).  Finding out that issue has been an important key in Jeff’s recovery process.  It has been HARD!  Those triggers around the box are really strong!  But once he was able to open the box and see what is inside, it wasn’t as bad as what he had let it become.  Still, there are feelings of inferiority, anger, regret, fear, sadness...etc.  Slowly as he is letting go of these individual things, through processing those emotions, he is gaining power over the box. 

In a counseling session that I had with Rod Jeppsen (Author of Lord I Believe Help Thou Mine Unbelief), he shed a lot of light on this.  He said that especially when damaging things have happened in our childhood  we generally cannot go back and find the person or people that did it.  Or the situation is that the individual has no remorse and no desire for restitution.  We cannot make someone else fix it, but we DO have the ability within ourselves to fix it.  We can be the individual that is the champion for that little boy or little girl that these things happened to.  We can do for that hurt little boy or girl what we wish had been done for us at the time.  It is easy in our minds to default and replay the hurtful events, however we can reprogram our minds and play out ourselves coming to our own rescue.  We can give ourselves permission to not live in that moment, to heal from it and to move on.

I was able to put this concept into play for myself.  I am a victim of sexual abuse.  I experienced a rough time for many years because of this.  For me this was a one time event, but had long term effects.  I felt like it was my fault (victim mentality), I didn’t think I could talk to anyone about it, I felt like a very bad person and that no one would love me.  It was hard for me to understand how God could love me at all.  It took me 11 years before I talked about it the first time and that didn’t go well, so I decided to lock it back in that box.  It took another 20 years before I talked about it again, after seeking counseling and understanding Jeff’s addiction. 

Some things just take time.  But putting Rod Jeppsen’s counsel to work showed me that that little 8 year old girl could have done nothing to have prevented this.  It was a horrible misuse of someone else's agency that led to my hurt. 

I read a great quote from Oprah Winfrey the other day that says, “Nobody but you is responsible for your life.  It doesn’t matter what your mama did; it doesn’t matter what your daddy didn’t do.  You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself.  You are responsible for the energy that you bring to others.”

Our issues often stem from an outside source, but what we do with it and finding the help that we need is our responsibility.  It is important to understand where it came from and we may never receive any resolution from the involved individuals.  That is my situation and that is ok.  I can now talk about my abuse without cringing, crying, or wanting to crawl into a hole.  It is what it is.  It happened.  I did not bring it on and I do not have to let it define me.

We do not have to spend our time researching more about pornography, masturbation, sex addiction or other forms of acting out.  We already know what that is.  What we do need to understand is what led our husbands to choose pornography/mb/sex addiction as a drug, what the affects have been and what steps to take next.  When our husbands or other addicted loved ones choose to discover this for themselves, that is where real change will take place.

My recovery is my recovery, his recovery is his recovery and when we both have good individual recoveries then together we can recover our marriage.  I really did not think it was possible to recover my marriage.  But it is happening.  And I am grateful.