Boundaries are hard! Not something that I had clear in my
mind for a very long time. I understood the need for them, I learned that
they would be valuable in my recovery, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around
how to decide what they were and how to go about setting them.
I have discovered that it all comes down to choice and freedom. My choice and my freedom. I had felt so trapped, mostly behind barriers that I had set up in my mind. I wasn't stuck. I could leave at any time or I could decide to stay. I could make any choice that I wanted to, but like my husband, those choices would come with a pre-set package of consequences.
Recently I came across a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I have not read the whole thing, but the part that I have read I really like. I had wanted Jeff to set his own boundaries and tell me the lines that he wouldn’t cross, I wanted my counselor to show me where the line was but neither of those things happened. I had and have to decide what is ok and what isn’t. I have to decide if my boundaries are coming from anger or love. The reason for this is the place that my boundaries come from is the place that I am guiding my part of the marriage to. If I want to recover a marriage based on love, that is where my boundaries need to come from. That really didn’t make it any easier to set boundaries for me, it is still hard.
This is where the book Boundaries comes in. In this book is a chapter called Boundaries and Your Spouse. In it Drs. Cloud and Townsend say this:
“We have looked at our basic inability to change another person. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going. Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path. When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has. Contrast these ways of reacting:
Before Boundaries:
Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.
After Boundaries:
You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.
Before Boundaries:
You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wrecking our lives.
After Boundaries:
You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is your choice. What I will put up with is mine.
Before Boundaries:
You are a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of a sick person are you anyway?
After Boundaries:
I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.
These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over – yourself – and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.
The Law of Evaluation
When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt. In evaluating the pain that your boundaries setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together. When you set boundaries, be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.
Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse do something – even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself. Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and beginning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."
(Boundaries Cloud/Townsend pgs 164-165)
I was pleasantly surprised how the things that they say in setting boundaries goes so much with Step 8 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide.
I often tell people that I did not begin to get Jeff back until I really let go of him. The principle of surrender is a large part of boundaries. I have had to surrender so many things that I thought I had, give them up, put things in the Lord’s hand and trust. Boundaries are necessary. We have them lovingly given to us by our Heavenly Father and they are called commandments. They aren’t to hold us down, they are to give us wings. They are guardrails to safety and not bars to keep captive. If we are able to pattern our boundaries after the way the Lord has set them for us, we will be successful in our recoveries.
I really appreciated this section of Step 8:
Be Firm and Steadfast
How to Set Limits or Consequences
“As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord’s guidance. There is not one approach that is right for everyone. The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us.
“There are, however, certain principles that can guide us in setting limits or consequences for our family members. For example, our limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency - they must be centered on what we can and will do rather than on what we want or expect someone else to dl. they should be inspired by love, not by anger or punishment. Limits or consequences should be clear and concrete. They may involve a natural result of actions taken. We can start with simple and specific limits we can implement. For example, and appropriate place to begin is to insist that our homes be free from pornography, addictive substances, or related negative influences.
“We should anticipate that our limits will be challenged and consequences will need to be enforces. But we can also keep in mind that mistakes are learning opportunities, Therefore, if we establish a consequence for some action, it must be something we are willing to carry out in the spirit of love and learning. The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. it may be helpful to discuss our plans of action with a trusted adviser or other responsible party. This helps us to evaluate our thinking and to be alert for any motive or consequence that is not based on true and loving principles. The Lord will help us and sustain us as we carry out these actions for the safety of our family. His influence brings peace into our lives and the lives of our loved ones.”
A few of the boundaries that I have set are:
These are some boundaries that have worked for me and they are as individual as each marriage. Pray for direction and the ones that you need will come clear to you.
Be courageous, strong and steadfast my friends! It is a battle worth fighting. Our personal individual recovery is worth it and, if our spouse is willing to try, our marriages are worth it too. The Lord isn’t done with us and has many wonderful things ahead. We may not be able to see it now, but as we allow Him to, He will guide us through. I am in a much better place today than I ever could have seen. Healing happens. I am so grateful.
I have discovered that it all comes down to choice and freedom. My choice and my freedom. I had felt so trapped, mostly behind barriers that I had set up in my mind. I wasn't stuck. I could leave at any time or I could decide to stay. I could make any choice that I wanted to, but like my husband, those choices would come with a pre-set package of consequences.
Recently I came across a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I have not read the whole thing, but the part that I have read I really like. I had wanted Jeff to set his own boundaries and tell me the lines that he wouldn’t cross, I wanted my counselor to show me where the line was but neither of those things happened. I had and have to decide what is ok and what isn’t. I have to decide if my boundaries are coming from anger or love. The reason for this is the place that my boundaries come from is the place that I am guiding my part of the marriage to. If I want to recover a marriage based on love, that is where my boundaries need to come from. That really didn’t make it any easier to set boundaries for me, it is still hard.
This is where the book Boundaries comes in. In this book is a chapter called Boundaries and Your Spouse. In it Drs. Cloud and Townsend say this:
“We have looked at our basic inability to change another person. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going. Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path. When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has. Contrast these ways of reacting:
Before Boundaries:
Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.
After Boundaries:
You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.
Before Boundaries:
You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wrecking our lives.
After Boundaries:
You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is your choice. What I will put up with is mine.
Before Boundaries:
You are a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of a sick person are you anyway?
After Boundaries:
I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.
These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over – yourself – and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.
The Law of Evaluation
When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt. In evaluating the pain that your boundaries setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together. When you set boundaries, be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.
Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse do something – even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself. Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and beginning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."
(Boundaries Cloud/Townsend pgs 164-165)
I was pleasantly surprised how the things that they say in setting boundaries goes so much with Step 8 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide.
I often tell people that I did not begin to get Jeff back until I really let go of him. The principle of surrender is a large part of boundaries. I have had to surrender so many things that I thought I had, give them up, put things in the Lord’s hand and trust. Boundaries are necessary. We have them lovingly given to us by our Heavenly Father and they are called commandments. They aren’t to hold us down, they are to give us wings. They are guardrails to safety and not bars to keep captive. If we are able to pattern our boundaries after the way the Lord has set them for us, we will be successful in our recoveries.
I really appreciated this section of Step 8:
Be Firm and Steadfast
How to Set Limits or Consequences
“As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord’s guidance. There is not one approach that is right for everyone. The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us.
“There are, however, certain principles that can guide us in setting limits or consequences for our family members. For example, our limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency - they must be centered on what we can and will do rather than on what we want or expect someone else to dl. they should be inspired by love, not by anger or punishment. Limits or consequences should be clear and concrete. They may involve a natural result of actions taken. We can start with simple and specific limits we can implement. For example, and appropriate place to begin is to insist that our homes be free from pornography, addictive substances, or related negative influences.
“We should anticipate that our limits will be challenged and consequences will need to be enforces. But we can also keep in mind that mistakes are learning opportunities, Therefore, if we establish a consequence for some action, it must be something we are willing to carry out in the spirit of love and learning. The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. it may be helpful to discuss our plans of action with a trusted adviser or other responsible party. This helps us to evaluate our thinking and to be alert for any motive or consequence that is not based on true and loving principles. The Lord will help us and sustain us as we carry out these actions for the safety of our family. His influence brings peace into our lives and the lives of our loved ones.”
A few of the boundaries that I have set are:
·
No porn. None! No acting
out in any way!
·
If there is a relapse he tells me
within 24 hours.
·
He answers all of my questions
honestly.
·
He goes to counseling (at least he did
when we were in the US...we have no counselor available in China. We were
in counseling for 2 years.)
·
He goes to a 12 step meeting (he currently
leads a group in China)
·
He frequently gives me validation of
where he is in his recovery, not just when I ask.
These are some boundaries that have worked for me and they are as individual as each marriage. Pray for direction and the ones that you need will come clear to you.
Be courageous, strong and steadfast my friends! It is a battle worth fighting. Our personal individual recovery is worth it and, if our spouse is willing to try, our marriages are worth it too. The Lord isn’t done with us and has many wonderful things ahead. We may not be able to see it now, but as we allow Him to, He will guide us through. I am in a much better place today than I ever could have seen. Healing happens. I am so grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment