I have recently heard the following questions and
concerns:
“My husband confessed his addiction to me but
won’t talk to me about it. He gets defensive any time I bring it up. Do you
think it is a problem?”
“My husband gets calls on his phone that he
doesn’t want seen. Do you think that I should confront him about
it?”
“He doesn’t give me access to his
phone.”
“My husband changes passwords without telling
me.”
“My husband won’t give me passwords or access to
all of our financial records.”
“He quickly turns off his phone or computer when
I come in the room.”
I asked my husband, recovering porn addict, what
his take on this and others and here is what he said:
“These are all red flags. In my opinion these
men are not in recovery. If an individual is in active recovery they will not
have any problem talking about it. It isn’t the most comfortable thing, but it
is what the situation is now. The addict needs to have his spouse on his side.
They need to talk openly and often about it. An addict in recovery will not
have anything to hide.”
Something that has been key in lifting my load is
my being willing to let someone else help. Support in recovery is a very
important step. My feeling is that as the spouse, I have been doing most things
alone, parenting, day to day activities, etc. It is hard and it is heavy, but
it is not something that needs to or should be done alone. The hope is that our
spouse will choose recovery and become an active participant not only in his
life, but back in our lives and the lives of our children. But he has to work
on his healing first and the reality is that he may not choose recovery. Still,
in this situation we are not alone.
LDS Family Services outlined the following for
the addict and for family members in need of support called Support in Recovery (found under "other resources" on this blog):
Heavenly Father, the Savior, and the Holy Ghost are our
greatest sources of support. Recovery and healing are made possible through the
Atonement of Jesus Christ. In addition the Lord often works through men and
women to bless the lives of His children. All who participate in the addiction
recovery program find that they are following the Lord’s counsel to “be faithful
. . . succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the
feeble knees” (D&C 81:5).
As addicts work
to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they
will benefit from the sources listed below.
1. Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting.
Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced
in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these
meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery
principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery
experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is
obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible
evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to
a happier way of life.
2. A
support person, experienced
in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own
emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to
recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support
person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid
exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver
and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This
reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits
of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing
relapse.
3. Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is
essential. “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage
[the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never
forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the
Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission
Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance”
(True to the Faith, 134).
4. Family members can most effectively be a source of support
by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own
lives. “Virtually everyone living in
these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles”
as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71). On
a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with
immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing
it.
5. Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective
when dealing with addiction. When
selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive
of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery.
Participants
will have different starting points when seeking support in recovery from
addiction. Regardless of the way they start, as they attend recovery support
meetings, participants are blessed to be in an environment where the seed of
recovery can be planted in their hearts.
In our experience we did all 5. It was very
important for us to do all 5 and continue to do them. 18 month minimum is the
recommendation for counseling. We were in counseling for 2 years and would
continue to be in it if we were still in Ohio. Participating in these weekly
emails, virtually attending the meetings (I try to attend the Ohio group via
Skype when I can) and doing my blog have been very helpful in lightening my
load.
I had a wonderful visit with my Branch President
today in which he reminded me of some valuable advice given to me from my past
Stake President, “Trust but verify”. Trust will come, but it should not be
forced and we should not feel bad because we do not have that yet. It is earned
and it is not all at once. It will begin small and as it is nourished
(verified) it will grow and continue to grow. I told my husband that trust in
the beginning of our marriage was a free gift. Discovering his addiction
shattered it. It did not even exist any more. Slowly it is coming, but it is
coming, and I am verifying with him and not in secret. If I look on his phone,
I tell him. If I read his emails, I tell him. In the past he would have been
furious, but now he sees it as a protection for him and for me and says, “It is
just fine for you to read them, I don’t have anything to hide and it feels good
not to have anything to hide.”
The website "Covenant Eyes" has a helpful post called:
Trust but verify.
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