There is Hope

One of the first things I recognized I'd lost was Hope.  I was devastated, lost, empty, confused, depressed, angry, skeptical, ready to run, just wanting answers and an end to the pain. 

It has been 7 weeks since Jeff’s relapse and I wasn’t sure what the future would be on that first day, regardless of my feelings or situation there was still hope.  Hope does not guarantee the outcome that we think is right, but it does guarantee the outcome that our Savior knows is right. 

President Boyd K. Packer said in his last address, “The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars.  That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone.  And when He atoned, that settled that.  There are so many of us who are thrashing around...with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape.  You escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.

“The Atonement which can wash clean every stain no matter how difficult or how long or how many times repeated.  The Atonement can put you free again to move forward, cleanly and worthily, to pursue that path that you have chosen in life.”

I usually read things like this with the “sinner” in mind, (which we all are) but I went back and read it as spouse of an addict.  It was very different.  I have certainly been “thrashing around...not knowing quite how to escape”.  And President Packer is right.  We do escape by accepting Christ’s Atonement.  And then, “all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.”  Which brings us back to the unguaranteed outcome.  I don’t know what it will be, and I don’t have to.  I just need to keep looking for the Hope that is in Him and He will lift me.

In President Deiter F. Uchtdorf’s General Women’s Conference talk he told a parable called “A Summer With Great Aunt Rose”.  He said, “The Holy Ghost will help you to find the message for you in this parable.”  He quotes a conversation between Great Aunt Rose and her Great Grand Niece, Eva.  It goes as follows:

“There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy.  But I know people, who even when things don’t work out, focus on the wonders and miracles of life.  These folks are the happiest people I know.”

“But,” Eva said, “you can’t just flip a switch and go from sad to happy.”

“No, perhaps not, but God didn’t design us to be sad.  He created us to have joy!  So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life.  And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly , how many good things do?  Seems to me that the best things...take patience and work.”

No, there isn’t a switch, and I have been looking for one!  In those darkest moments that I have been in, and at the times that I have turned to God in prayer, He has answered me.  One very difficult day, the only words that I could get out in a prayer were, “Please help.”  The words that came to my mind after this were, “Be still, and watch and listen”.  I know that was a direct answer to my prayer in that critical moment. 

 My dear sweet sisters, we are so not alone in this.  He will not leave us.  He is our Hope.

My Hardest Post To This Point

So.  This is a very difficult post to make and one that I have been putting off. 

Relapse is something that I have feared from day one.  It is something that my husband had the goal of not doing, however, it has happened.  Now all of those sections on relapse that I skipped in books, I need to go back and read.  In the mean time there is some good that has come of this.  I know, that sounds so weird to say.

So, what are the good things?  He came to me to tell me and he didn't leave it for me to discover, although I was in the US and he was in China (that alone was super difficult).  He also told our Branch President and District President (our local religious leaders).  He offered to turn in his temple recommend (this is a big deal for a member of the LDS Church).  He emailed our counselor in the US.  He called my parents and told them and he told each of our children.  He also started the Fortify Program with my son.  Our counselor told him that he could use this relapse as a catalyst for recovery if he chooses to do so. 

Relapse is hard.  One of the resources I have on my list is Suncrest Counseling.  They have many free articles that are incredible resources.  Click HERE for a list of resources dealing with relapse.  To be honest these are articles that I skipped over because I didn't want to deal with relapse.  I felt like I had enough to deal with working on my own recovery.  I didn't want to entertain the possibility of relapse by being prepared for it.

My response to Jeff's relapse was numbness.  I was far away, I couldn't see him, see the reactions on his face, have any sense of honesty, remorse or anything.  I felt like I was just on hold, having to get through the next 2 weeks until I was back in China with him.  Once I got to China all of my held in feelings came out and I needed him to hear them.  I needed him to hear me and see me for who I am. 

Trust wasn't there completely before the relapse and I don't know where it is now.  It isn't even on the radar.  But I don't feel the devastation that I did with initial discovery.  That has been a blessing. 

In Rhyll Crowshaw's book What Can I Do About Me she says:
"God is doing things in our lives that sometimes hurt abominably.  They are very painful.  Yet what He is doing is transforming us from average women to exceptional women.  The process is not easy, and it's certainly not comfortable, but it is worth it.  What this process will do is refine us - whatever challenge we go through.  It is essential for us to understand that pain is often the pathway to progress."

If you don't know Rhyll's story, it is one worth reading.  She knows what she is talking about because she lived it and is living in recovery now. 

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:
"I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us.  He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know.  He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like.  And this will require us to accept with all our hearts - particularly your generation - the truth that there is divine design in each of our lives and that you have rendezvous to keep, individually and collectively."

Yes, relapse is not comfortable or something that I like.  But if I truly believe in the words of living prophets I do not have to stay in this moment. 

Elder Maxwell went on to say:
"The future 'you' is before him now.  He knows what it is he wishes to bring to pass in your life.  He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve.  Now, this will require us to believe in that divine design and at times to accept the truth which came to Joseph Smith wherein he was reminded that his suffering would be 'but a small moment'".
But for a Small Moment, Neal A. Maxwell BYU Speeches

It is important to understand that God is NOT DOING THIS TO US.  He did not inspire our husbands to act out in a sexual addiction.  What God did do is see the future "me" before him now.  He knew these would be choices that Jeff would make and he knew that it would affect someone.  He let me choose to marry Jeff, knowing what was ahead.  He is letting me grow in ways that I did not see coming or even think I could make it through.  He is also blessing me with many new friends that are walking along the same path in order to help and support each other.  But first and foremost, He sent His son, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to this earth before me.  Christ has already paid for my sins, for Jeff's sins and he has already suffered for my hurts.  I am learning to give them to Him.  He paid for them.  They belong to Him.  Jeff can be free from sin and I can be free from suffering.  It can happen and one step at a time... it is.