The Unfinished Tower

Yesterday I attended a funeral where my bishop shared a tiny parable that I wasn't familiar with.  It is that of the "unfinished tower".  In Luke 14:28-30 is where to find this parable.  I am going to paraphrase, but, please check the reference because the source is always better than me. ;)

So a person sets out to build a tower, carefully considers what it will take, the materials and the effort, and counts the cost and assesses if they have the means to do this.  Then they begin to build this tower, fully believing that they can do it, and in the process - for whatever reason - is not able to finish it and everyone around them says something to the effect of, "well, I knew you couldn't do it anyway". 

As I read and re-read this little parable I could see myself trying to build that tower.  I remember the moment, after discovering Jeff's addiction, that I wanted to rebuild our marriage. I turned to him and asked if he was serious about getting this out of his life, now, this was only about 2 weeks in.  I thought I could see all the materials layed out and had all intentions of completing that tower.  The tower that I saw was him overcoming his addiction.  And if he overcame his addiction surely our marriage would be recovered, I thought.  He said he was all in or '"haply" (perhaps) Luke 14:29 going to accomplish this.  And I believe that in that moment we both were.

Stuff happens, pain happens, doubt, fear, relapse, tears, heartache and then when I look at the tower, now as the one on the outside, I think..."I knew he couldn't do it anyway."  I went to my therapist, defeated at this point.  Just wanting him to tell me that it was ok, I had made my best effort, I had done all that God had asked me to do and I could leave the marriage and start a new life.  But that's not what he said.  He said, "Susan, you're putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Christ". 

I was looking at the tower all wrong.  The tower wasn't Jeff's recovery, my recovery or the recovery of our marriage, the tower was ME.  Those recoveries may be parts of my tower, but they are only elements of it.  Even after all I can do, I cannot complete that tower on my own.  Jesus Christ is the finisher.  Pslam 118:8-9 says: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.  It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes".

Jesus Christ is the "author and finisher of (my) faith".  Paul taught this to the Hebrews. (Hebrews 12:2)  So what does that mean to me?  I go back to the desire to build the tower with Jeff.  My intent was not to stop midway and give up.  My intent was to see it through, but I didn't know what seeing it through meant.  My faith was in what I wanted it to become, not in what the Lord wants ME to become.  The tower will look much different in the end when I allow Christ to be the finisher.  It will be a better tower, better than any that I could design for myself. 

And to those who stand on the side and criticized instead of helped, I recognize that, "The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, or yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

Even though I don't know how to complete the tower, I have all the tools!  I have all the materials and where I fall short, the Finisher will come and He will help me and He will help you! Step 9 talks about this very thing.  It says,

"While we may not now be able to fully trust our loved ones, we can trust the Lord and His protection.  He helps us effectively cope with the many worries and fears we encounter.  He provides us with assurances through His Spirit that help us find peace and hope.  Nephi declared, 'O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever' (2 Nephi 4:34)".

The race is not to the Swift, Strong, Brave, Wise.  We can run this race "haply", completely intending to finish, and as we accept the help that is there and offer our support to others we will, "Run that (we) shall obtain"!  And friends, we're gonna make it!

D-Day Approaches...

March is very difficult for me because it holds my “d-day”, March 11^th.  You may even be reading this on that very day which marks 4 years since discovery.  Anniversaries of “d-day” are really hard.  On the first anniversary ALL of the memories and feelings came back in an unexpectedly enormous wave.  I was very caught off guard and knocked to my knees.  The second one was hard but wasn’t as bad as the first.  Now I am heading into the third one, dreading the worst and hoping for the best.

Step 3  in the Spouse and Family ARP Guide is, “He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People”.  If ANYONE needs "pains and sicknesses" taken away it's me!  The spouse of an addict.  In the beginning I didn’t understand the feelings that I was experiencing.  My emotions were all over the place like huge pendulum swings.  I wanted to run to Jeff and at the same time I wanted to run from him.  When things went wrong, he was the one that I would go to, but now HE was the thing that was wrong.  I would feel there was hope and then I couldn’t see that there was even a glimmer.  What I didn’t know I was experiencing is called “Betrayal Trauma”.

The Lord has promised me that He will take my burdens and He will heal my heart.  Over the Chinese New Year our family visited Israel (which by the way was very safe) and spent most of our time in Jerusalem.  There is an excitement about just being in a city that holds so much history.  I had hoped for a great spiritual experience at the Mount of Olives, but had an altogether different one.

I had romanticized standing in an olive garden and having an experience that would witness the reality of the atonement.  I thought that by being in the places where my Savior stood, having made the long pilgrimage there, I would have that manifestation. Instead it was a cold, rainy day with a really obnoxious tour guide. But all was not lost in Israel. Those sweet assurances that Christ lived and lives came in quiet, unexpected moments. It is not the location of my physical body that makes the difference, it is the location of my heart.

The most significant experience that I have had with the Atonement had already come in a little town in Ohio.  For me it was through this process of repentance and forgiveness.  I didn’t get to stand in the same garden as my Savior, I wasn’t in the garden with Him as he first made the Atonement,  but my sins were.  My pains were, my fears, anger, tears, hurts, they were all there.  This very experience and everything associated with it was paid for there and today it remains paid for.  Because of this, He knows me.  Because of this I can heal.

On this journey of healing there have been many writings of latter-day prophets and apostles that I have heavily leaned on.  Elder Richard G. Scott’s are some of them.  His words have spoken such solace to my soul.  One thing that he said is, “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord….Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior”.  (Might I add that this is easier said than done...nevertheless it is a true principle.)

On Sundays I try to do this a little each week.  As I enter the chapel I view the sacrament table as an altar.  I picture myself bringing my broken heart and my contrite spirit (this means the burdens that I am carrying) to that altar and lay it there at the feet of the Savior.  As I renew my covenants with Him and take upon His name I feel His love for me and the reality that He has all power to take this from me as I am willing to give it to Him.  And I am....even if it is a little at a time.

Yesterday, with this "d-day" in mind I feebly let drop from my fingers hurt, pain and fear that I have been carrying into this week.  I didn't let it all go, but enough to feel lighter.  Oh that grace...that amazing grace...it works.  And in the words of Dieter Uchtdorf..."It Works Wonderfully"!

Pain Management

I had the great opportunity to attend an SA Lifeline meeting and met incredible women walking this same path.  Group meetings are so beneficial!  I have attended S Anon, LDS ARP and now SA Lifeline.  All are worthwhile and all have something to give.  I have been able to take something from each group to help in my personal healing.

Jeff recently hurt his shoulder and because we are in the middle of traveling (back in China now!) all he is able to do is pain management.  I thought about this and how it relates to being the spouse of an addict.  We are traveling.  It is down a path that we did not choose and there is a great deal of pain associated with it.  Because it is not of our choosing, we are experiencing something unexpected and something that we were unprepared for.  We may have been somewhat prepared (keeping the commandments, personal prayer, scripture study, fhe...) but we did not see this specific thing coming. 

Unexpected pain causes confusion and, at times, a delayed increase of pain as we come to understand what just happened.  By that I mean that we often experience greater pain after discovery as we become aware of what we are really facing.  Fear, anger, and doubt are friends of pain, but do not help us in our journey.  It is unrealistic to think that we will not experience them, we will!  No question there! 

In the book, Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, Rod Jeppsen says, "As we sort through all of the hurt, accept the feelings we are experiencing, and realize that we are human and have the right to our feelings, we can then begin to choose ways to soften or diffuse some of the negative emotions that usually make us feel trapped.  Running away from the uncomfortable feelings or telling ourselves we should not feel angry is not healthy for us because it usually makes us feel guilty and inappropriate guilt compounds our emotional stress and self-value.  As we make small steps of progress and choose healthy ways to deal with the negative emotions, we will avoid feeling hopeless even though we may experience strong feelings of disappointment and sadness along the healing path."

So, how do we sort through the genuine feelings that we have and bridge the gap between hurt, anger and fear and reach the land of healing?  In the Old Testament Isaiah talks about  this a bit.  He says:
Isaiah 61:1-3 "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."

Perhaps this scripture passage gives us some tools in our personal pain management and a promise of healing.  In my recovery I have been brokenhearted, captive and felt very much like a prisoner - being trapped.  It has been a mourning, mourning the life that I thought I had, mourning the person that I thought Jeff was.  But then comes the promise of healing.  We have the potential to receive Beauty instead of ashes, the Oil of Joy instead of mourning, the Garment of Praise instead of the spirit of heaviness.  In addition to all that, because God is the gardener and calls us "trees of righteousness" that are planted by Him, He is tending this garden. We will not walk alone.  He will help manage our pain and carry us when it is too much, until we are ready to release it and surrender it to Him.  Release and healing comes through processing and understanding. A friend in our healing is TIME.  Don't be afraid to give yourself the gift of time.

Attending support groups is a healthy way of bridging this gap and dealing with negative emotions.  It is in these rooms where we are able to share when we feel safe to share and learn from others who share experiences.  This helps our individual healing progress on a steadier climb. (I won't commit to the word STEADY because it is all but that!)

We can do this girls!  We are awesome!  We are strong!  We are beautiful!  We deserve happiness, healing, and joy...... AND it is possible!