D-Day Approaches...

March is very difficult for me because it holds my “d-day”, March 11^th.  You may even be reading this on that very day which marks 4 years since discovery.  Anniversaries of “d-day” are really hard.  On the first anniversary ALL of the memories and feelings came back in an unexpectedly enormous wave.  I was very caught off guard and knocked to my knees.  The second one was hard but wasn’t as bad as the first.  Now I am heading into the third one, dreading the worst and hoping for the best.

Step 3  in the Spouse and Family ARP Guide is, “He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People”.  If ANYONE needs "pains and sicknesses" taken away it's me!  The spouse of an addict.  In the beginning I didn’t understand the feelings that I was experiencing.  My emotions were all over the place like huge pendulum swings.  I wanted to run to Jeff and at the same time I wanted to run from him.  When things went wrong, he was the one that I would go to, but now HE was the thing that was wrong.  I would feel there was hope and then I couldn’t see that there was even a glimmer.  What I didn’t know I was experiencing is called “Betrayal Trauma”.

The Lord has promised me that He will take my burdens and He will heal my heart.  Over the Chinese New Year our family visited Israel (which by the way was very safe) and spent most of our time in Jerusalem.  There is an excitement about just being in a city that holds so much history.  I had hoped for a great spiritual experience at the Mount of Olives, but had an altogether different one.

I had romanticized standing in an olive garden and having an experience that would witness the reality of the atonement.  I thought that by being in the places where my Savior stood, having made the long pilgrimage there, I would have that manifestation. Instead it was a cold, rainy day with a really obnoxious tour guide. But all was not lost in Israel. Those sweet assurances that Christ lived and lives came in quiet, unexpected moments. It is not the location of my physical body that makes the difference, it is the location of my heart.

The most significant experience that I have had with the Atonement had already come in a little town in Ohio.  For me it was through this process of repentance and forgiveness.  I didn’t get to stand in the same garden as my Savior, I wasn’t in the garden with Him as he first made the Atonement,  but my sins were.  My pains were, my fears, anger, tears, hurts, they were all there.  This very experience and everything associated with it was paid for there and today it remains paid for.  Because of this, He knows me.  Because of this I can heal.

On this journey of healing there have been many writings of latter-day prophets and apostles that I have heavily leaned on.  Elder Richard G. Scott’s are some of them.  His words have spoken such solace to my soul.  One thing that he said is, “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord….Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior”.  (Might I add that this is easier said than done...nevertheless it is a true principle.)

On Sundays I try to do this a little each week.  As I enter the chapel I view the sacrament table as an altar.  I picture myself bringing my broken heart and my contrite spirit (this means the burdens that I am carrying) to that altar and lay it there at the feet of the Savior.  As I renew my covenants with Him and take upon His name I feel His love for me and the reality that He has all power to take this from me as I am willing to give it to Him.  And I am....even if it is a little at a time.

Yesterday, with this "d-day" in mind I feebly let drop from my fingers hurt, pain and fear that I have been carrying into this week.  I didn't let it all go, but enough to feel lighter.  Oh that grace...that amazing grace...it works.  And in the words of Dieter Uchtdorf..."It Works Wonderfully"!

"Everything Nourishes What is Strong Already"

I came across a quote that I must have read and heard 1000 times, but had not had the impact before that it did on me today.  It is from Jane Austin’s book, Pride and Prejudice.  Over the years I have become more and more a fan of her writings.  First it was the movies, loved them, but in going back and reading the words I find nuggets of wisdom.  I suppose that is why we need to read our scriptures and not watch a movie. The quote was delivered by Elizabeth Bennett, “Everything nourishes what is strong already”.

I have the privilege to have you, dear friends, who are examples of “what is strong already”.  Brave women, honest women, honorable women, great mothers, witnesses of Christ, amazing teachers, and just all in all, the example of what it means to be daughters of God.  So when you start in this journey, “strong already”,  and if “everything nourishes”’ how can something this life altering and devastating be nourishing?  Was Jane Austin up in the night, had no idea what she was talking about, or was she on to something?  I believe she was on to something. (Not ON something, which would be a whole other issue.) ;)

 

So often in this process I do not feel strong AT ALL or that I ever was.  As individuals whose lives have been affected by someone with a sex addiction, we have to give ourselves credit for what our lives were before and who we really are.  There was a lot of unknown preparation that we were going through for this moment.  Our minds were being prepared to handle what was coming, our bodies were being prepared to withstand the strain and our hearts were being prepared to learn to forgive.  We are stronger than we think.

The Oxford Dictionary defines “nourishing” as this: “Containing substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.”  

I often recognize that I am growing in ways that I never had before.  I am learning and understanding things that I just didn’t before.  My eyes have been opened to see things that I did not have the capacity to see and I am very grateful.  My gratitude is increasing and I am becoming less judgmental.  I didn’t think I was judgmental at all before this...but I believe I frequently mention how wrong I was in that.  Going through adversity is providing me with substances necessary for my growth, my spiritual health and my condition...which I hope is good. 

Russell M. Nelson said, “When we realize that we are children of the covenant, we know who we are and what God expects of us.  His law is written in our hearts.  He is our God and we are His people.  Committed children of the covenant remain steadfast, even in the midst of adversity.  When that doctrine is deeply implanted in our hearts, even the sting of death is soothed and our spiritual stamina is strengthened.”  Ensign, November 2011

One of the fundamental issues that our addicted loved one has is they do not know who they are.  They do not know that they are a precious child of God with the ability to change, repent and return.  In Ohio there has been a stretch of very dry weather.  I returned from China to find my beautiful Hydrangeas on the verge of loss.  Brown flowers, droopy leaves, and shriveled stalks.  Last night I stood with the hose and watered them.  I observed something interesting.  When water is put onto a plant where the ground is very dry, it does not absorb the moisture right away, in fact it allows it to run off, the very life giving water it allows to run away from the roots.  So the first watering doesn't do much.  But when the ground is moist already (strong already) the plant ground absorbs more water and delivers it right to the roots.  I wish I had taken a before and after picture of my plants.  I was astonished that by the time I had finished watering, these plants were already standing stronger, leaves fuller, not drooping as much and were healing.  This morning I walked out to these plants and was even more amazed at how much they had come back.  There are dead flowers, but they will be trimmed and new flowers, new growth will replace them.  The Lord gives us many opportunities to learn about ourselves through nature, and this was one for me.  We have the ability to return, recover, heal, and experience new growth and beauty.  Then what makes us strong is daily, constant nourishment.  Through this WE KNOW WHO WE ARE and we can stand beautifully!  Our loved ones have the same chance too.