Learning From The Past

20 years ago we were living in Texas, I had 3 kids and no idea that I was married to a pornography addict.  A new woman moved into my ward (LDS Church congregation) with 4 small children.  She moved in to her sister's home after having just gone through a divorce.  Her children were the same ages as mine, so I invited them all over for a play date.  Through the course of the day she told me her story.

Met her returned missionary husband, married in the temple, after some years she discovered that he was doing pornography.  She tried to work with him and finally it came down to a choice that she gave him.  Choose the porn or choose your family.  He chose the porn. 

I felt horrible.  I couldn't understand how this could happen at all, especially to someone that had made the right choices herself.  She then said to me, "Susan, you need to ask Jeff about pornography."  Snidely I thought to myself, "Oh yeah.  I'll get right on that."  But I told her that I would.  We finished the play date and I was very uneasy, smiling on the outside and on the inside thinking, "How dare you.  How dare you come into my home and accuse my husband of this.  Just because your life is falling apart doesn't mean that mine is!"

Yeah.  I'm not proud of that moment.  I call that my "Snotty Self-righteous Self".  Sadly I do not remember ever having that woman over to my home again.  I do not remember any other conversations with her.  I selfishly moved on.

When Jeff came home that night, since I had promised her that I would talk to him, I did.  However, I did it in a very unproductive way.  This is what I said, "You will never believe what happened today!" and I told him about the conversation.  Then I said, "Thank heavens that is something we will never have to deal with, will we."  I said it as a statement, not a question. Unsafe.  He just looked down and mumbled, "Mmm hmmm." If there was a moment that he wanted to tell me about his addiction, he wouldn't have chosen this one because I just made it unsafe.  But I didn't know that.  I thought I was supporting him.  I thought I was showing him how much faith that I had in his good choices and that he wasn't "that type" of person.  I thought he was responding with compassion and felt sorry for the family.  It never occurred to me that he was hiding something himself.

I've taken myself back to that moment countless times in the last 3 years.  Wondering what would have happened if I had handled things differently.  Wishing that I could have not been my "Snotty Self-righteous Self" and compassionately, without judgment, opened up to this sister that was so in need.  Sadly I cannot even remember her name, but I wish I could find her and tell her that I am so sorry.

Since I cannot go back and change things that happened in that moment, I can move forward and learn from it.  Today I opened the Gospel Library (app on www.lds.org) and found the General Conference that was given at that time.  Spring 1995.  I wondered if there were things there that could have prepared me had I allowed myself to be prepared to hear Jeff's confession.  Yep.  Lots.

The Power to Heal from Within by Merrill J. Bateman
Living Water to Quench Spiritual Thirst by Joseph B. Wirthlin
Covenant of Love by Aileen H Clyde
Search for Identity by Monte J. Brough
....to name a few.

But the one that spoke to me the most is:
Answers to Life's Questions by M. Russell Ballard

In this he said, "We tend to think of agency as a personal matter.  If we ask someone to define 'moral agency,' the answer will probably be something like this: 'Moral agency means I am free to make choices for myself,'  Often overlooked is the fact that choices have consequences; we forget also that agency offers the same privilege of choice to others.  At times we will be affected adversely by the way other people choose to exercise their agency.  Our Heavenly Father feels so strongly about protecting our agency that he allows his children to exercise it, either for good or evil."

This is one of those things that I "knew" but I didn't internalize and "know".  I hadn't had any really adverse experiences with being directly affected by someone I loved misusing their agency.

Elder Ballard went on to say, "By focusing on and living the principles of Heavenly Father's plan for our eternal happiness, we can separate ourselves from the wickedness of the world.  If we are anchored to the correct understanding of who we are, why we are here on this earth, and where we can go after this mortal life, Satan cannot threaten our happiness through any form of temptation.  If we are determined to live by Heavenly Father's plan, we will use our God-given moral agency to make decisions based on revealed truth, not on the opinions of others or on the current thinking of the world."

I love any quote that teaches ways that we can be protected from the adversary.  This is one of them, and it is always the same foundation...faith, repentance, forgiveness, obedience, grace, mercy and love.