Boundaries

Boundaries are hard!  Not something that I had clear in my mind for a very long time.  I understood the need for them, I learned that they would be valuable in my recovery, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around how to decide what they were and how to go about setting them.   

I have discovered that it all comes down to choice and freedom.  My choice and my freedom.  I had felt so trapped, mostly behind barriers that I had set up in my mind.  I wasn't stuck.  I could leave at any time or I could decide to stay.  I could make any choice that I wanted to, but like my husband, those choices would come with a pre-set package of consequences.   

Recently I came across a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  I have not read the whole thing, but the part that I have read I really like.  I had wanted Jeff to set his own boundaries and tell me the lines that he wouldn’t cross, I wanted my counselor to show me where the line was but neither of those things happened.  I had and have to decide what is ok and what isn’t.  I have to decide if my boundaries are coming from anger or love.  The reason for this is the place that my boundaries come from is the place that I am guiding my part of the marriage to.  If I want to recover a marriage based on love, that is where my boundaries need to come from.  That really didn’t make it any easier to set boundaries for me, it is still hard. 

This is where the book Boundaries comes in. In this book is a chapter called Boundaries and Your Spouse.  In it Drs. Cloud and Townsend say this: 

“We have looked at our basic inability to change another person.  A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going.  Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path.  When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has.  Contrast these ways of reacting:
Before Boundaries:
Stop yelling at me.  You must be nicer.
After Boundaries:
You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.
Before Boundaries:
You’ve just got to stop drinking.  It’s ruining our family.  Please listen.  You’re wrecking our lives.
After Boundaries:
You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want.  But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos.  The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there.  Your drinking is your choice.  What I will put up with is mine.
Before Boundaries:
You are a pervert to look at pornography.  That’s so degrading.  What kind of a sick person are you anyway?
After Boundaries:
I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines.  It’s up to you.  I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me.  Make up your mind and choose.

    These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over – yourself – and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.

The Law of Evaluation
    When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt.  In evaluating the pain that your boundaries setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together.  When you set boundaries, be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.
    Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them.  Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
    Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person.  You are not demanding that your spouse do something – even respect your boundaries.  You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do.  Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.  Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse.  It is the opposite.  It is giving up control and beginning to love.  You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."
(Boundaries Cloud/Townsend pgs 164-165) 

I was pleasantly surprised how the things that they say in setting boundaries goes so much with Step 8 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide.   

I often tell people that I did not begin to get Jeff back until I really let go of him.  The principle of surrender is a large part of boundaries.  I have had to surrender so many things that I thought I had, give them up, put things in the Lord’s hand and trust.  Boundaries are necessary.  We have them lovingly given to us by our Heavenly Father and they are called commandments.  They aren’t to hold us down, they are to give us wings.  They are guardrails to safety and not bars to keep captive.  If we are able to pattern our boundaries after the way the Lord has set them for us, we will be successful in our recoveries. 

I really appreciated this section of Step 8:
Be Firm and Steadfast

How to Set Limits or Consequences
    “As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord’s guidance.  There is not one approach that is right for everyone.  The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us. 
    “There are, however, certain principles that can guide us in setting limits or consequences for our family members.  For example, our limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency  - they must be centered on what we can and will do rather than on what we want or expect someone else to dl.  they should be inspired by love, not by anger or punishment.  Limits or consequences should be clear and concrete.  They may involve a natural result of actions taken.  We can start with simple and specific limits we can implement.  For example, and appropriate place to begin is to insist that our homes be free from pornography, addictive substances, or related negative influences.
    “We should anticipate that our limits will be challenged and consequences will need to be enforces.  But we can also keep in mind that mistakes are learning opportunities, Therefore, if we establish a consequence for some action, it must be something we are willing to carry out in the spirit of love and learning.  The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  it may be helpful to discuss our plans of action with a trusted adviser or other responsible party.  This helps us to evaluate our thinking and to be alert for any motive or consequence that is not based on true and loving principles.  The Lord will help us and sustain us as we carry out these actions for the safety of our family.  His influence brings peace into our lives and the lives of our loved ones.” 

A few of the boundaries that I have set are:

·         No porn.  None!  No acting out in any way!

·         If there is a relapse he tells me within 24 hours.

·         He answers all of my questions honestly.

·         He goes to counseling (at least he did when we were in the US...we have no counselor available in China.  We were in counseling for 2 years.)

·         He goes to a 12 step meeting (he currently leads a group in China)

·         He frequently gives me validation of where he is in his recovery, not just when I ask.

These are some boundaries that have worked for me and they are as individual as each marriage.  Pray for direction and the ones that you need will come clear to you. 

Be courageous, strong and steadfast my friends!  It is a battle worth fighting.  Our personal individual recovery is worth it and, if our spouse is willing to try, our marriages are worth it too.  The Lord isn’t done with us and has many wonderful things ahead.  We may not be able to see it now, but as we allow Him to, He will guide us through.  I am in a much better place today than I ever could have seen.  Healing happens.  I am so grateful.

 

The Blown Glass Temple

When we were married we received a beautiful blown glass figurine of the Salt Lake Temple.  Over the years we went through three of these due to six kids and me being accident prone.

It was the Valentines Day before I discovered my husband’s addiction and I tried to rekindle the romance in our marriage.  I knew that something was wrong, we were distant from each other, and I thought it would be helpful if I gave Jeff gifts that were reminders of our wedding day.  One was a new blown glass temple to replace the other 3 that broke.  The day that I discovered his addiction I took it from the shelf and threw it in the trash.  It didn’t take much for it to shatter.

I told him that our marriage was that delicate blown glass temple. When I found out about his addiction it felt like he took a sledge hammer, smashed it and then handed me a bottle of Elmer's glue to fix it.  There were overwhelming feelings at the beginning and I felt helpless, not knowing where to begin or if healing was even possible.  Much like the feeling of holding a bottle of glue, looking at that pile of shattered glass and becoming aware of the impossible task of putting it all back together. How could I ever begin?

The glass temple - our marriage

The sledge hammer - addiction
Smashing it - acting out
The bottle of glue - sometimes his recovery, other times mine

When we try to repair this shattered temple he sees himself working hard (which he is) and thinks that he’s making a difference in that pile of glass. I see myself working hard (which I am) and I think I’m also making a difference on that same pile.

The truth is that neither of us is making great progress on rebuilding that temple.  Sifting through the glass for me is PTSD, reliving the hurt and replaying the events, feeling hopeless, hurt, anger, no trust, etc.  Through this I end up injured and bleeding. Shards of glass go deep into my fingers and I need assistance in getting them out.  When he sifts through the glass he feels my hurt, anger, mistrust and the negative feelings that fed the addiction; also resulting in injured bleeding fingers that too will be in need of help.

Two people who’d never been in this situation before and don’t have the knowledge, tools, experience or expertise of how to fix it.  

This recognition takes steps 1-9 of the Addiction Recovery Program. The next step is full surrender of all the pieces to where the temple originally came from.

The hands of the Maker. 

It is only He who can melt down the glass and reform it to its original beauty.  This is the promise of real recovery. The process takes extreme temperatures (refiner's fire) and letting go all pieces into another's hands (true surrender and trust in God). Even when we surrender the pieces, we have never really given up ownership of the temple, just loaned it back to the one that fashioned it in the first place.  

Now we make Him an integral part of our healing process. After of all of this He does not ask a price, He reminds us that He paid for it long ago. Through this we are able to feel love and gratitude for Him and from Him. Then, if we’re willing, we can start to feel the love for each other and begin to fill that beautifully repaired, renewed temple with steps 10-12, Daily Accountability, Personal Revelation from God, and Service to others.

*photograph used with permission
Sculpting in Motion Inc.

What's Mine is Mine...

At about 8 months in after discovery and having read everything that I could get my hands on about pornography/masturbation/sex addiction, I thought “ENOUGH!!!”  I realized that everything that I was reading and pouring myself into was stuff that I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk to other people about.  When my friends asked if I’d read any good books lately I didn’t want to reply, “Yes, and I understand masturbation much more than I did before...” or something like that.  I felt like I was losing touch with the rest of my life because I was so involved in trying to understand something that I really didn’t want to understand.  Some of those things are triggers for me, even now.  So, I am choosy with what I am reading and how I am spending my time. 

 

I really enjoy the church’s format in the Spouse and Family Member ARP because we don’t talk about the acting out.  The reason for that is because we could trigger each other and then a safe place becomes a painful one.

My reading and processing became understanding the addiction itself and not the acting out.  This is a more involved part.  There were problems in my marriage long before I discovered it.  Those behaviors and where they came from are the focus of understanding the addiction.  The way that I see my husband’s addiction is this:

There was something painful, embarrassing, or hurtful that happened in his life.  It didn’t need to be a one time thing, it can be something that happened over a period of time or general upbringing.  So this painful thing he put into a box and did everything that he could to protect that box and prevent this unprocessed pain from escaping.  This box is surrounded by triggers.  Any one of those triggers is as painful as the real thing that’s in the box.  Then a layer of dysfunctional behaviors surround the triggers.  These behaviors are intended to steer clear of the triggers.  They aren’t always, but sometimes become addictions.  The addiction is self medication to prevent him from feeling the emotions of the triggers and ultimately reach inside the box.  In the mind of the addict the thing inside the box grows larger, more powerful and more frightening as time goes on, and so the triggers and behaviors grow as well and the cycle continues until something interrupts it.

What I research now is where this ultimately came from.  Pornography/MB/Sex Addiction is a symptom of a separate issue (the monster in the box).  Finding out that issue has been an important key in Jeff’s recovery process.  It has been HARD!  Those triggers around the box are really strong!  But once he was able to open the box and see what is inside, it wasn’t as bad as what he had let it become.  Still, there are feelings of inferiority, anger, regret, fear, sadness...etc.  Slowly as he is letting go of these individual things, through processing those emotions, he is gaining power over the box. 

In a counseling session that I had with Rod Jeppsen (Author of Lord I Believe Help Thou Mine Unbelief), he shed a lot of light on this.  He said that especially when damaging things have happened in our childhood  we generally cannot go back and find the person or people that did it.  Or the situation is that the individual has no remorse and no desire for restitution.  We cannot make someone else fix it, but we DO have the ability within ourselves to fix it.  We can be the individual that is the champion for that little boy or little girl that these things happened to.  We can do for that hurt little boy or girl what we wish had been done for us at the time.  It is easy in our minds to default and replay the hurtful events, however we can reprogram our minds and play out ourselves coming to our own rescue.  We can give ourselves permission to not live in that moment, to heal from it and to move on.

I was able to put this concept into play for myself.  I am a victim of sexual abuse.  I experienced a rough time for many years because of this.  For me this was a one time event, but had long term effects.  I felt like it was my fault (victim mentality), I didn’t think I could talk to anyone about it, I felt like a very bad person and that no one would love me.  It was hard for me to understand how God could love me at all.  It took me 11 years before I talked about it the first time and that didn’t go well, so I decided to lock it back in that box.  It took another 20 years before I talked about it again, after seeking counseling and understanding Jeff’s addiction. 

Some things just take time.  But putting Rod Jeppsen’s counsel to work showed me that that little 8 year old girl could have done nothing to have prevented this.  It was a horrible misuse of someone else's agency that led to my hurt. 

I read a great quote from Oprah Winfrey the other day that says, “Nobody but you is responsible for your life.  It doesn’t matter what your mama did; it doesn’t matter what your daddy didn’t do.  You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself.  You are responsible for the energy that you bring to others.”

Our issues often stem from an outside source, but what we do with it and finding the help that we need is our responsibility.  It is important to understand where it came from and we may never receive any resolution from the involved individuals.  That is my situation and that is ok.  I can now talk about my abuse without cringing, crying, or wanting to crawl into a hole.  It is what it is.  It happened.  I did not bring it on and I do not have to let it define me.

We do not have to spend our time researching more about pornography, masturbation, sex addiction or other forms of acting out.  We already know what that is.  What we do need to understand is what led our husbands to choose pornography/mb/sex addiction as a drug, what the affects have been and what steps to take next.  When our husbands or other addicted loved ones choose to discover this for themselves, that is where real change will take place.

My recovery is my recovery, his recovery is his recovery and when we both have good individual recoveries then together we can recover our marriage.  I really did not think it was possible to recover my marriage.  But it is happening.  And I am grateful.