My Dear Friend Who Taught Me to "Look".

I awoke to some very sad news.  My dear friend and counselor, Steve Perkins, unexpectedly passed away.  Steve’s counseling practice, Akron Family Institute, is a resource on my blog.  I have it there because this is where I went and this is where I received so much healing.  I wasn’t happy at all about going to marriage counseling, I didn’t want to need it.  But Steve was the best and it was worth being on the waiting list for him.  I am pretty sure I drove him crazy at times and tested his patience.  But he never showed it.  He had a way of making you feel like you were his only patient, his only concern, and that he genuinely cared.  And he did.

He was also our Stake Patriarch and gave 3 of my children their Patriarchal Blessings.  (This is important to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  For more information CLICK HERE.)  Because we shared the same faith he not only counseled me emotionally and intellectually, but spiritually as well.  He taught me that all I had learned to this point in my life about Jesus Christ was true.  He taught me that I needed to apply that belief now.  At one point he told me that I was putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Jesus Christ.  He was right.

I have pages and pages of notes from my sessions with him.  I don’t want to waste anything that I learned from him.  It is because of his loving guidance that Jeff and I are in recovery and are married today.

Each Sunday morning I walk about a half mile to church, which is not bad for living in China.  Today we had many things planned, our Church Christmas program, a baptism and a linger longer (potluck meal after church).  I was singing on the program, had a little part in the baptism and had rolls and soup for the linger longer.  Since I had to walk, I packed a wheeled cart to drag all of my stuff in.  I felt weighed down, not with all of the things in my cart, but the sadness of losing this dear friend.  

The day here was just beautiful.  Warm, blue skies...perfect.  As I walked along I saw a Chinese man walking the same path.  I didn’t think anything about it until I saw him stop and pick up an empty plastic bottle.  Then I saw him check the garbages for more bottles.  I had a little argument with myself of whether I should help him or not.  So I finally broke into a run (in my dress and flip flops) and caught up to him ready to give him some of the food in my cart.  “Ni Hao!” (My limited Chinese).  He said something back but I couldn’t understand.  So I tapped him on the shoulder and said again, “Ni Hao”.  Again he said something but I thought that if he could see me he would see that I had something to give him.  Something that would help him.  I tried to get in front of him, but he turned away.  He wouldn’t even look.  He just quickened his pace and went on his way.  

I had something to help him but he wouldn’t even look.  Would I?  Have I?  Yes!  This is a valuable lesson that I have learned from my dear friend, Steve Perkins.  To Look!  There is a great deal of help out there for recovery, but I have to look!  So, the lesson of Look is this:

Look!  And once you’ve looked then recognize the help.

Then once you’ve recognized the help have the humility to accept it.

Then once you’ve accepted the help have the wisdom to act on it.

Then once you’ve acted on it allow real change to happen for you....repeat as necessary.

 

It all begins with that first step, to look.  

I will not waste the things that I learned from this amazing man.  I will honor his memory by living the principles that he taught me.  My life is better because of him.  

My life is better because of YOU!  I am grateful for what I learn from you wonderful people!  Thank you.

And thank you Steve Perkins.  For you, I will be forever grateful.  My counselor, my teacher, my example, my friend.

The Peace Which Passeth All Understanding

Today I was very impressed with a scripture that I heard at church.  It is from the New Testament in Philippians 4:4-7 which says, “Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice.  Let your moderation be known unto all men.  The Lord is at hand.  Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

 

I want peace.  I want that peace of God that “passeth all understanding”.  I want Him to keep my heart and heal my heart.  It is clear that it comes through our Savior Jesus Christ.  I thought that the peace would come through my husband conquering his addiction.  I wanted an outside source to fix it so that I could feel inner peace.  But for me, that peace is coming a little bit at a time every day in a different way.  It is when I surrender my will to the Lord and understand that “The Lord is at hand”.  I don’t have to do gigantic things, just the things that I can right now.  

 

This week I am focusing on Step 3 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide of the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.

 

Step 3 is:

He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People

He is taking on my pains and He is taking on the sickness of addiction that Jeff is recovering from.  It is so easy for me to look at other situations and think, “They have it easy!  Their husband has never had this problem” or to think that someone has better recovery than I do.  But that isn’t my job.  It isn’t my job to determine what someone may or may not be experiencing.  My job is to allow healing into my life and receive it as it comes.   

Step 3 says:

No Blessings Will Be Denied

"We want to have eternal families, but our loved ones’ addictions can threaten our hopes.  Fearing we may lose our eternal family may cause us to experience significant feelings of grief.  We may find ourselves in a crisis of faith and be tempted to give up on Heavenly Father’s plan.  Many of us feel that we are just hanging on, clinging to God out of habit, reflex, or desperation.  It can be hard to move forward through the pain of broken promises and threatened dreams.  The choice we face is whether or not to have faith in God, even when we can’t see how God’s promises will be kept.

"Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:

"'We cannot control and we are not responsible for the choices of others, even when they impact us so painfully.  I am sure the Lord loves and blesses husbands and wives who lovingly try to help spouses struggling with such deep problems as pornography or other addictive behavior or with the long-term consequences of childhood abuse. Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.’” 

Well...my beginning response to discovery was not at all loving, nor were any of my responses for a very long time, to be honest.  My emotions were all over the place.  But I really was doing the best that I could.  I've come to the realization that my "best" changes as my understanding, growth and healing changes.  Things may hurt now.  Really, really hurt!  But it is not how it will always be and it does not mean that there is no hope.  Perhaps the “peace that passeth all understanding” means that the answer is not something that is clear or obvious to me.  It is not in my current understanding, but that does not matter, the peace can and will come. 

Christmas is not far away right now.  My focus is celebrating the Prince of Peace.  Welcoming not just the infant Jesus into my home, life and heart, but Jesus the Christ who paid for my sins, my hurts, my pain, THIS pain.  I do not need to know HOW it is done, HOW he takes away my suffering and sins.  It is ok for it to “passeth” my understanding.  It is ok for me to exercise faith in Him. 

In the book Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief, Rod Jeppsen says, “We often ask God to take us closer to His Son, and then when we have an opportunity to do just that, we fight it.  Let’s try not to fight it.  Let’s allow this experience to take us closer to the Savior, who is all-loving and has outstretched arms for each of us.  He will never forsake us!  We might think we can learn life’s most vital lessons by reading a book or taking a class; however, important principles of the gospel are usually learned in real life by going through hard experiences.  We might think we can learn them without stress, difficulty, or emotional pain, but that is not so.”

Through this experience with Jeff I have been given the gift to become closer to my Savior in a way that I never was before.  I work on it daily, some days I am more successful than others.  On days that feel are a “Fail” I realize that I was at least facing in the right direction even if I didn't seem to make any forward progress. :) 

 

One step at a time....even if it is stepping in place.