One of the first things I recognized I'd lost was Hope. I was
devastated, lost, empty, confused, depressed, angry, skeptical, ready to run,
just wanting answers and an end to the pain.
It has been 7 weeks since Jeff’s relapse and I wasn’t sure what the future
would be on that first day, regardless of my feelings or situation there was still
hope. Hope does not guarantee the outcome that we think is right, but it does
guarantee the outcome that our Savior knows is right.
President Boyd K. Packer said in his
last address, “The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no
scars. That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how
something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone.
And when He atoned, that settled that. There are so many of us who are
thrashing around...with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape. You
escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn
to beauty and love and eternity.
“The Atonement which can wash clean every stain no matter how difficult
or how long or how many times repeated. The Atonement can put you free again to
move forward, cleanly and worthily, to pursue that path that you have chosen in
life.”
I usually read things like this with the “sinner” in mind, (which we all are) but I went back
and read it as spouse of an addict. It was very different.
I have certainly been “thrashing around...not knowing quite how to escape”. And
President Packer is right. We do escape by accepting Christ’s Atonement. And
then, “all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.” Which
brings us back to the unguaranteed outcome. I don’t know what it will be, and I
don’t have to. I just need to keep looking for the Hope that is in Him and He
will lift me.
In President Deiter F. Uchtdorf’s General Women’s Conference talk he told a
parable called “A
Summer With Great Aunt Rose”. He said, “The Holy Ghost will help you to
find the message for you in this parable.” He quotes a conversation
between Great Aunt Rose and her Great Grand Niece, Eva. It goes as
follows:
“There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work
themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy. But I know
people, who even when things don’t work out, focus on the wonders and miracles
of life. These folks are the happiest people I know.”
“But,” Eva said, “you can’t just flip a switch and go from sad to
happy.”
“No, perhaps not, but God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to
have joy! So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright,
hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it
doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly , how many good things do? Seems to me
that the best things...take patience and work.”
No, there isn’t a switch, and I have been looking for one! In those
darkest moments that I have been in, and at the times that I have turned to God
in prayer, He has answered me. One very difficult day, the only words that I
could get out in a prayer were, “Please help.” The words that came to my mind
after this were, “Be still, and watch and listen”. I know that was a direct
answer to my prayer in that critical moment.
My dear sweet sisters, we are so not alone in this. He will not leave
us. He is our Hope.
