What you didn’t know pornography is doing to your kids
If you think a parent's pornography use
has little effect on the kids - guess again.
By Dan Gray
Family Specialist
Recently, a 14-year-old girl and her parents
came into our clinic for counseling. A couple of days earlier, while looking at
her father's cell phone, this bright, beautiful young lady saw the very graphic
sexual images that her father had recently accessed. She immediately went to
her mother with this finding, hoping to receive some solace for her broken
heart. Her mother did console her with love and understanding. However, later
that day, she heard the loud argument that ensued after her mother confronted her
dad about the pictures.
For all of her life, this girl had idolized
her father. To her, he had always been the beacon of decency, integrity and
loyalty. Now, her emotional trauma was obvious as she shared feelings of
disbelief and pain, stating, "How could this be? I don't think I know who
he really is anymore. I'll never trust anything else he ever says. How could he
say he loves us and do this to our family?" She also indicated that she
felt guilt and responsibility for her mom and dad's fighting, thinking she
should have stayed quiet and never have told her mom about what she had found.
Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon
story. Young people who are exposed to a parent's pornographic
materials are impacted in many ways. Two adult men seeking therapy for
a long-term pornography addiction each reported that his first exposure to
pornography was by accidentally coming across his father's "stash of
porn." One, at age 10, had found his father's magazines. The other, at 13,
found his dad's porn files on the family's computer.
Both men feel these early experiences played a
large role in their preoccupation with sex during their adolescent years, which
later evolved into compulsive, addictive behaviors. These behaviors are now
creating tremendous pain and trauma for their own children and wives. This
is a multi-generational problem which adversely impacts young people's lives in
many different ways.
Compulsive pornography use of a spouse often
results in separation and divorce. Like so many children who are affected by
divorce, children in these situations are traumatized by grief, pain and loss.
Many families are also financially impacted when a parent loses their
employment because of pornography use on the job. The stress and tension this
creates is felt deeply by the children as they watch their parents' struggle
and as their own sense of safety and security is put at risk.
There are parents who believe that their
children will not be adversely affected by their compulsive pornography use as
long as they never find out about it. This is a naïve conclusive and is rarely,
if ever, true. When a parent
engages in this behavior in secrecy, it is usually because it is not consistent
with their own personal beliefs, either spiritually or morally.
This creates tremendous shame and
self-loathing. This shame is often manifest through increased isolation,
irritability, depressed mood, anxiety and impatience. All of which have a
short- and long-term negative impact on relationships in the home.
In speaking of this isolation, Dr. Don Hilton,
an expert on the biological and relational effects of pornography use, states,
"One of the most insidious effects of a pornography addiction is
isolation. Isolation is the prerequisite to acting out in an
addiction...One must find a place where he can be alone, where no one will
disturb him as he shuts out the world... He must then isolate socially. He must
disconnect from others so he can be alone. Emotional isolation is essential. If
he thinks about those he loves and what his acting out would do to them, he
would be unable to act out."
An awareness of these indisputable effects
upon children will hopefully motivate all of us in our efforts to support and
assist families in preventing these circumstances and in helping those who are
already dealing with them in their homes.
About Dan
Gray
Dan Gray (LCSW, CSAT) is the Clinical Director
and Cofounder at Life Star Therapy. He has a master’s degree in social work and
is a CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist). He is also certified as an
addictions counselor with the National Association of Forensic Counselors. He
has co-authored and edited two books: Confronting Pornography: A Guide to
Prevention and Recovery for Individuals, Loved Ones, and Leaders and Discussing
Pornography Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors.
Dan is married and the father of four.
**Used with permission from Dan Gray dgray@lifestarnetwork.org**
https://www.familytoday.com/family/what-you-didnt-know-pornography-is-doing-to-your-kids/
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