10 Years

Yep.  10 years.  I watched March 11 come and go this year.  That is my D-day. I had many mixed emotions as the time drew closer, but then when it passed, I felt very reflective of the journey that I have been on.  

I didn't think I'd make it 10 years.  In the beginning I couldn't even see making it through to the next day.  These years have been full of multiple levels of help, healing, hurt, and Heaven rescue!  One of the resources that I leaned on in the beginning is the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs. http://ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com/

I poured over those, reading everything that I could.  I wanted to know that people could get through this and thrive.  I didn't want to be a pile of grief and tears for the rest of my life.  My support person, previous to discovery, was my husband.  After discovery that was gone. I wanted to live behind closed doors and windows.  I wanted it to all go away.

Today is different.  I heard people in support groups talk about how recovery is ups and downs.  I had wonderful counselors and therapists that taught me the same. And it is absolutely true. I no longer look for the "Land of the Healed".  For me that is, in a way, like Never Never Land.  A beautiful place that I hope is out there, but I don't believe it really exists.  The reason for that is not that healing is a myth.  It is certainly is real!  But I don't believe that we can ever let our guard down once we are on this journey.  

In my experience it isn't 12 steps and done.  It is 12 steps and repeat.  For me.  For my husband.  

In my experience what it means to continuing on in the 12 steps is no different than putting on the Whole Armor of God everyday, everyday, everyday. And then repenting everyday, everyday, everyday.  As I do that I take inventory of where I am, where I want to be and what changes I need to make to get there.

So, in 10 years, where is my addicted loved one?  We are still together.  We are still married.  We are still trying.  Relapse still happens.  Recovery still is in play.  Therapy is still in play.  Jeff just finished an 8 week group therapy that was online.  It was very impactful for him.  I am very grateful for all of the resources that exist. 

And in 10 years, where am I?  I am still trying.  I follow the counsel of my Stake President, "Trust, but verify". I am not the same person that I was in the beginning.  I miss her a lot.  But I have also learned a great deal because of this journey.  Dialogues have opened up.  Individuals have shared their stories with me and began their own journeys of healing.  

My hope in the beginning was for this to all go away quickly.  My hope now is to be a safe support to others who are in the same boat.  Where it is true that we cannot "fix" each other, it is equally true that we can be a loving support to lean on. 

In these 10 years I watched all 6 of my children serve missions for our church.  I became a mother-in-law to 4 wonderful new members of my family.  I became a grandma to 4 of the most amazing spirits that fill my heart with so much joy!  I became aware of how judgmental I have been.  I became aware of my need to connect with Heaven.  And I became aware that Jesus is the Christ, even more so than I ever thought I knew before.

Hidden gifts and hidden treasures lie in each wave of adversity that comes.  And for that, I am grateful.