This past week our high school put on the production of Mary Poppins. In a nutshell the story line is that a family has been through several nannies for their children, until a magical one (Mary Poppins) comes in and helps the family solve their issues. She stays until they no longer need a nanny and come together as a family. At a point where the father has lost his job, wanders around lost, the children feel that their world is upside down. Mary Poppins replies, "Sometimes families are upside down...for a while at least."
I connected right to that! I know all too well the feeling of an upside down family. One week after discovery I sat in a meeting with a wonderful church leader who gave me great counsel. He told me an analogy of our family on a boat, Jeff was the captain, me as first mate and our children as passengers. He said our boat is in need of being steered but right now the captain is sick and unable to fulfill his position. So, as first mate I need to take the helm and steer the ship. But to remember that the captain has all ability to recover and regain his position.
I held on to that analogy many times and as I was "steering the ship" it was with the hope that because Jeff was still in the boat he could one day be well. But if that was not to be the case and he would leave the boat, I was gaining experience that would help me to move forward as well. All situations are different and we should not put ourselves or our children in a dangerous situation. However, it has been my experience that if the marriage can be recovered, it is best to give it a chance. It is not easy, (and I often wanted to jump ship!) but it really is worth the effort in giving that chance.
Step 2 of the LDS ARP Spouse and Family Support Guide is:
It says:
It is common as we try to make sense of our difficult situation to wonder why and how our loved ones became addicted. We may feel we are somehow responsible. As parents, we may worry about what we could have done differently. As spouses, we may wonder if we failed to meet the needs of our husband or wife and ask ourselves such questions as “Am I not good enough?” and “What more could I have done?” When things do not turn out well, we are tempted to blame ourselves. This type of thinking may lead us to improperly feel responsible for other people’s choices, resulting in undeserved guilt and despair.
A vital element in Heavenly Father’s plan is the principle of agency—the ability and privilege to make our own choices. As we study and understand this principle, the Spirit will testify to us that we are not the cause of our loved ones’ addiction. Elder Richard G. Scott said, “If you are free of serious sin yourself, don’t suffer needlessly the consequences of another’s sins. As a wife, husband, parent, or loved one, you can feel compassion for one who is in the gall of bitterness from sin. Yet you should not take upon yourself a feeling of responsibility for those acts”
When I bought in to the idea that it was my fault, I was not good at "steering the ship". Steering the family has nothing to do with steering his addiction, this realization helps me to not take on the guilt. I constantly go back to SAnon's 3 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it. It doesn't mean that the impact isn't there, it certainly is! And the results of the impact are the often murky waters that I am steering through, but I am making it through. Though our family was "upside down...for a while" and it still isn't "smooth sailing", I reflect on where it all began and where God wants me to end up. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "He who is our Eternal Father has blessed you with miraculous powers of mind and body. He never intended that you should be less than the crowning glory of His creations." This is true for me. This is true for Jeff. This is true for us all. We have it in us to be glorious...even if we are upside down for a little while.
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