I Don't Want to Leave Anything in the Garden

Each Christmas I try to take my focus a little more off the presents and more on the purpose.  This is super hard for me because I love to give gifts and that can consume the whole holiday for me.  Through my recovery process I have been given the gift of a renewed sight and way to see Christmas.  The tenderness that I feel for that baby and the promise that was held in his birth has brought new meaning to this season for me.  Encased in that infant was the hope of the world.  He came into this world equipped to hold everything that I would be facing.  

Through all my youth I was taught, "You will not be given anything more than you can handle".  In those dark overwhelming moments of defeat and despair, I did not feel that at all.  "It's too much...I can't do this one...Everyone has a breaking point and this one is mine", are things that I processed in my head.  But I didn't remember that what I was given to handle was not meant to be handled alone.  It is this moment that counts!  The moment that I turn from myself, turn to the Lord and accept His gift of help.  It is real and often comes delivered in the hands of another.

Traditionally Christmas focuses on the birth and the stable.  But my thoughts go to the green of the garden.  The Garden of Gethsemane where my Savior would kneel, facing the most difficult task that only He could do.  Take on all.  Everything.  Even though He had all power to do this, He still asked the Father 3 times if this cup could pass from Him.  In essence, even our Savior asked, "Do I have to do this?  Is there another way?"  And even our Savior was sent help through the strength and comfort of an angel to help Him through.  Yes, He showed us how to lean on someone else for help, how to cleave to Him in our trials. He showed us that perfect and complete does not mean alone.

I was not in the garden with Him, but my sins were.  My hardships, hurts, fears, pains, doubts, hopelessness...everything!  It was all in the garden with Him. This most difficult trial of my life was in the garden with Him.  His sacrifice, his suffering is something that I do not comprehend.  Yet through this miraculous event I can now receive, reach back, recover.  I can be refined.  It is ALL paid for.  I feel that if I do not accept the price that He paid for me by repenting, forsaking, leaning, cleaving, releasing, then I leave something completely paid for unused.  I don't want to leave this gift in the garden, I want the cleansing power of the Atonement for me.  This is the gift that I have come to treasure.  This is the gift that I now focus on through the Christmas season and the gift that I choose to carry with me everyday.  

When I hear the echoing melody of Silent Night begin to play, my heart is pierced and it's hard to keep back the tears.  
"Silent Night.  Holy Night."  
The night that hope was born to this world.  
"All is calm.  All is bright."  
A bright dawn bringing the reality of redemption for no matter what we've done, no matter what we've faced.  
"Sleep in heavenly peace." 
The promise and reality that I can receive that peace in any circumstance.  At any time.

The gift that I give to Him is my broken heart and contrite (repentant) spirit.  During the sacrament, I visualize myself bringing part of my challenge from the week, placing at the base of that table and giving it to my Savior. Fittingly, Elder Dallin H. Oaks calls the sacrament table an Altar.  The sacrifice has been made. The price has been paid.  I do not want to leave anything unused in the garden and my Savior will help me carry out the heaviest loads. This is the gift He desires.  This is my gift to Him.

Merry Christmas my friends.

Sometimes Families are Upside Down...

This past week our high school put on the production of Mary Poppins.  In a nutshell the story line is that a family has been through several nannies for their children, until a magical one (Mary Poppins) comes in and helps the family solve their issues.  She stays until they no longer need a nanny and come together as a family.  At a point where the father has lost his job, wanders around lost, the children feel that their world is upside down.  Mary Poppins replies, "Sometimes families are upside down...for a while at least."

I connected right to that!  I know all too well the feeling of an upside down family.  One week after discovery I sat in a meeting with a wonderful church leader who gave me great counsel.  He told me an analogy of our family on a boat, Jeff was the captain, me as first mate and our children as passengers.  He said our boat is in need of being steered but right now the captain is sick and unable to fulfill his position.  So, as first mate I need to take the helm and steer the ship.  But to remember that the captain has all ability to recover and regain his position.  

I held on to that analogy many times and as I was "steering the ship" it was with the hope that because Jeff was still in the boat he could one day be well.  But if that was not to be the case and he would leave the boat, I was gaining experience that would help me to move forward as well.  All situations are different and we should not put ourselves or our children in a dangerous situation. However, it has been my experience that if the marriage can be recovered, it is best to give it a chance. It is not easy, (and I often wanted to jump ship!) but it really is worth the effort in giving that chance.

Step 2 of the LDS ARP Spouse and Family Support Guide is:

Shake Off the Chains with Which Ye Are Bound

It says:

It is common as we try to make sense of our difficult situation to wonder why and how our loved ones became addicted. We may feel we are somehow responsible. As parents, we may worry about what we could have done differently. As spouses, we may wonder if we failed to meet the needs of our husband or wife and ask ourselves such questions as “Am I not good enough?” and “What more could I have done?” When things do not turn out well, we are tempted to blame ourselves. This type of thinking may lead us to improperly feel responsible for other people’s choices, resulting in undeserved guilt and despair. 

A vital element in Heavenly Father’s plan is the principle of agency—the ability and privilege to make our own choices. As we study and understand this principle, the Spirit will testify to us that we are not the cause of our loved ones’ addiction. Elder Richard G. Scott said, “If you are free of serious sin yourself, don’t suffer needlessly the consequences of another’s sins. As a wife, husband, parent, or loved one, you can feel compassion for one who is in the gall of bitterness from sin. Yet you should not take upon yourself a feeling of responsibility for those acts”

When I bought in to the idea that it was my fault, I was not good at "steering the ship".  Steering the family has nothing to do with steering his addiction, this realization helps me to not take on the guilt.  I constantly go back to SAnon's 3 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it. It doesn't mean that the impact isn't there, it certainly is!  And the results of the impact are the often murky waters that I am steering through, but I am making it through.  Though our family was "upside down...for a while" and it still isn't "smooth sailing", I reflect on where it all began and where God wants me to end up.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "He who is our Eternal Father has blessed you with miraculous powers of mind and body.  He never intended that you should be less than the crowning glory of His creations."  This is true for me.  This is true for Jeff.  This is true for us all.  We have it in us to be glorious...even if we are upside down for a little while. 

It's OK to Start Again

I love that we just had Daylight Savings and this one is my favorite that gives me an opportunity to start over with my goal of getting up early and exercising.  I haven't taken advantage of it...yet.  ;)  I have a new goal to start that this week. :)  There is the blessing.  If I missed an opportunity, for whatever reason, I can start again.  I have many reasons, obstacle and excuses that I give myself not to start something that is good for me, and still I have that same blessing, I can start again.

I found a cute little note today written in innocent days of childhood by one of my daughters to another.  She had taken something belonging to the other and instead of returning it there was some back and forth retaliation and hurt feelings.  The little note said, "I am sorry I took your dress.  It is back in your closet.  I am sorry I changed the songs on your ipod.  You also reminded me to tell you never to give anything to me ever again.  I hope you will forgive me.  If you do, please write it on this note or tell me."  My assumption is that forgiveness was given, even though it was not written on the note, but what I heard in this message was fear of confession and forgiveness. 

One of the things that keeps me from starting something is fear. Step 1 in the LDS ARP Spouse and Family Support guide talks all about this.  Our fears are real, but they may not be true.  The difference is that fear is a feeling, not an action or an event.   I had a real fear that Jeff would not choose recovery at all.  I feared that I could not recover and that our marriage was not recoverable and didn't want to "waste any time" in something that wouldn't happen.  I have a real fear that my husband will return to his addiction, or already has.  To this point (and I say to this point because recovery is an everyday thing) he has not, so even though the fear is there, the action or event is not.  Everyday I progress in learning to trust Jeff and recognize that it is ok that I am not there yet, but I am heading in that direction.

Fear keeps us from the seemingly out of reach healing.  Fear has been a powerful motivator for me, but not in a good way.  We can face our fears, we can take the power away from the events, we can replace fear with faith.  Elder Russell M. Nelson taught this in a talk in 2014 Face the Future with Faith and Hope "As we think about the future, we should be filled with faith and hope. Always remember that Jesus Christ—the Creator of the universe, the architect of our salvation, and the head of this Church—is in control. He will not permit His work to fail. He will be victorious over all darkness and evil."

The hope is there for our loved one to recover.  The hope is there for us to receive the healing powers in our lives.  The hope is there for us to recover.  All of this is because our hope is in Christ and He is real.

I am so very grateful for each of you that take time to read my ramblings here. :)  I know without a doubt that the Lord knows what our days have been and He knows what they will be.  He has provided us with many helps to give us assistance in our healing along this journey.  I invite you to participate in one of these as soon as you can!  I cannot say enough good about support groups.  They have been a lifesaver in my life.  You can go to lds.org to find a 12 step ARP support group, or just CLICK HERE.  You can go to https://thearborkalamazoo.com/ to find great resources and meetings that use Healing Through Christ or just CLICK HERE.   

There are so very many resources, so if you feel that you don't know where to start or that nothing has worked yet, don't forget that it is ok to try again. :)  You can always contact me too.  There really is hope, my friend.

Strength in the Struggle

Hello friends. A friend of mine just told me of her missionary that is having a difficult time and asked for my advice.  As I thought about it I reflected on my own path of discovery, recovery and everything associated with it.  There is strength in the struggle.  I wouldn’t want to rob this missionary of the growth that he will experience through this adversity, at the same time, I understand how as a parent we want to protect our children from things that we know are going to hurt.  When they are small, this is easier and obvious.  But when they get older the things that could hurt them are not as obvious or within a parent’s control. 

I wonder, as these events of my life were playing out, what it was like for our Heavenly Father to watch.  He knew what I was heading for, he knew that I could not see the events of Jeff’s life that would have this impact on me.  However, he was preparing me.  As I have mentioned here before, the Friday before I discovered his addiction I was driving and the spirit clearly said to me, “Your family is about to experience a tragedy.”  The Lord did not prevent the tragedy, but he gave me the opportunity to prepare for it.

Surely the Lord knew all of the hardships that the early members of the church would be facing.  Being ostracized by family members, losing loved ones as they came across the ocean or traveled across the long trail to Utah, the persecution that they would face and the violence they would experience, but He did not prevent those tragedies either.  On days of tragic events I’ve heard people express, “Where was God today?  Why didn’t he prevent this?”  He was here.  He was right here.  And in D&C 122:7, after outlining all of the possible things that could happen, said, “all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” There is a similar line in my patriarchal blessing that tells me I will have the opportunity to grow through adversity and choose to overcome.  (Honestly, I did not take that as good news.)

I've written before about the betrayal trauma I’ve experienced.  In the depths of my depression, when I could not turn to Jeff, I still did not feel alone.  God was right there.  Even when I didn’t feel peace and thought that my life was over, there was a microscopic feeling in some remote corner of my heart that things would work out.  D&C 6:33-34 spoke solace to my soul and gave me an understanding I hadn’t had before.  That understanding was in one little word.  As I personalized it I heard: “Fear not to do good, Susan, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, Susan; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.”

LET!  That was the word!  LET!  Let it happen.  Bring it on.  It is coming so be prepared.  What was my preparation?  The Sunday School answers!  Prayer, repentance, forgiveness, scripture study, fasting, service, attending church, fulfilling my callings, temple attendance, faith, etc…these things do more to thwart the fiery darts than anything that the world has to offer.  These things build upon the foundation of my Savior Jesus Christ.  “My reward”, as spoken of in the above scripture, is not an earthly one.  If I sow righteous choices, it has no bearing if someone else will too.  If I am kind, it does not take away the agency of another to not be kind back to me.  That is not the cause and effect.  The cause is Jesus Christ and the effect is what I will become through Him.

So, “fear not”.  I don’t know what is on my horizon.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  But I know what I have learned and what I continue to learn.  I do better when I put my faith where it belongs, in my Savior.  There IS strength in the struggle.