Telephone Pole Goals and Unfamiliar Roads

I've been off the radar for a while and haven't done anything with my blog.  I've had a bunch of struggles in my own recovery.  I was at the point to give in, admit defeat and concede that I was never going to experience healing and it's easier to just call it quits, allow the marriage to end and come to the realization that I'm going to live the rest of my life alone.  But those are not the Lord's words.  They weren't even MY words.  They are the words of that Rotten Satan that wants to destroy anything that has a chance.  And regardless of my feelings, my marriage still had a chance and has a chance.  A GREAT chance.  I have a husband who is trying and as long as I keep trying too we can make this happen no matter how unfamiliar this road is that I am on. 

I thought about unfamiliar roads as I was recently in Rexburg, Idaho.  I went out for my morning run...ok...if I am completely honest it was more of a walk with small spurts of running.  Beautiful Idaho roads, green fields of potato plants, sprinklers spraying in the morning light and faded mountains way off in the distance.  I didn't know exactly where I was going, but as I paid attention to my surroundings at least I knew where I had been. I had a goal in mind but I was not familiar with the road or really knew how far I needed to go to reach it.  So I started.  As I progressed down this road I wanted to run and get this journey over with.  As I got tired I started to set small goals, just the next telephone pole.  I counted steps and thought, “I can make it to the next telephone pole”.  Then I continued to make it to the next, the next and the next until I reached the turning point of the road.  I don’t know how far I ran, but I ran farther than I would have if I had only focused on running the whole thing. 

Recovery is an unfamiliar road for me.  No matter how fast I run it, I cannot make my husband progress in his journey, so my focus has to be on my journey, my telephone poles, leaving him free to focus on his own.   

I still struggle with surrender and the feeling that if I don’t help him along, he won’t go in the right direction.  But the true principle of surrender and applying it has proven to be more healing in my personal recovery and in our marriage.   

My faith needs to be in the Savior Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, to heal Jeff and to heal our marriage no matter where that happens along this unfamiliar road. 

David A. Bednar said, “The Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did.  And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life.  He can reach out, touch, succor – literally run to us – and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng

One step at a time is all that is asked of me.  Putting too much pressure on myself brings doubt, fear, hopelessness and the feeling that things will never change.  That is why I wanted to give up.  I could not see the end of the road, but didn’t realize that all I have to do is to pick up my feet and keep my eye on that next telephone pole.