Self-care is a vital part of recovery for the betrayed spouse. I did not understand that at all when I started down this journey. At that time I had 4 children still at home, and two away at college attending BYU in Utah. It was all I could do to get out of bed and take care of their needs. At that point, my husband was on his own to fend for himself. I was in my "I don't care about anything that you need" season. And I didn't feel like I could spend any time on myself. I considered that "selfish".
Today my understanding of Self-care is different. Not only is Self-care not selfish, it is the air that breathes life into recovery. A friend shared a wonderful resource called: Feeling Low, Anxious, Overwhelmed?...Get Your Vowels Checked!
It is a cute A E I O U Y way of daily checking in.
So...back to those early days of my recovery... I started to learn about "Self-care" from SALifeline. Now that it has been 13 years...I should be a pro! Nope. Still working on it. One resource that helps me is "Understanding Pornography and Betrayal Trauma" .
This next part is a bit of a read, but I couldn't edit any of it out. It was all so good! The whole book is amazing, but as far as self-care alone, this little snippet speaks volumes!!
So, give yourself some SELF-CARE today and treat yourself to this moment to read, hear and heal. 💛
Here it is!
Betrayal Trauma:
The Effect of Pornography on the Spouse
of an Addict
By Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT
It is not uncommon for well-intentioned observers to inquire about the fuss being made over pornography. Many of them assume that pornography consumption is a victimless pastime. Their line of thinking generally supports the notion that a man who views pornography in isolation is not hurting anyone. They even debate whether this same man is even hurting himself, by viewing pornography. I would like to challenge these assumptions by showing how pornography use damages not only the individuals who view it, but especially the wives of these same men. I will also include suggestions for how women who are affected by their partners’ pornography use can cope as they and their partners begin their journey toward wholeness.
In all my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery to an individual and his marriage as predictably as those that come from the use of pornography. Let me briefly outline the pattern as I see it.
First, long before his wife discovers his pornography use (either by his own disclosure or by her catching him), the husband will slowly become more self-centered, irritable, moody and impatient. He will spend less focused time with his family, seek out more distractions, begin to mentally and even verbally devalue his marriage, become critical of his wife’s body and character, feel more spiritually empty and experience more internal stress. He will become more restless, more dissatisfied with his work, and easily bored with things that used to interest him. He will also become more resentful and quick to blame when things don’t go his way.
This transformation may take years, depending on how often the individual views pornography. If he only seeks it out every few months, he may be able to fool himself into believing that the aforementioned changes in himself are just situational and will pass with time. But for the person who views pornography more frequently, each viewing produces a faster disconnection from the man he once was. This gradual erosion of loyalty and trust inevitably generates confusion and strife in the marriage. Most wives who knew nothing of their husband’s secret pornography consumption or other illicit sexual behaviors, have told me that they felt like something was “off” in their relationship with their husbands. But they usually second-guessed those feelings, with many even reflexively blaming themselves for the disconnection in the marriage.
If undisclosed pornography use has the power to generate confusion and pain in a marriage, one can only imagine the level of pain imposed on a wife once these secret behaviors are finally brought to light. Shock, denial, anger, rage, depression, self-loathing, isolation, and fear are some of the raw emotions a woman may experience when she first learns of her husband’s secret sexual behaviors. Virtually every woman I have worked with has also experienced deep shame, embarrassment and humiliation. Unfortunately, these innocent partners too often suffer privately and remain isolated from outside support systems. Even if they initially react with visible anger, most of their pain is “sorrow that the eye can’t see.”
Most men who reveal their secretive behaviors to their wives feel some relief of not having to carry their secret burden alone anymore. Ironically, the crushing load once carried by the addict is often transferred to the wife. Burdened by this new and unwelcome weight, she typically experiences profound fear, anxiety and confusion.
Pornography addicts often pressure their spouse to keep the issue private. But, isolation seriously compounds the problem. Many women mistakenly believe they will automatically and fully recover from the trauma of their husband’s pornography use once he stops looking at it. It is easy to imagine how they might believe this: if the behavior that is causing the pain goes away, then the pain goes away with it, right? Yes and no. Yes, the pain may decrease somewhat as a husband commits to ending his pornography consumption and begins to live an authentic life that is free from the damaging effects of his addiction. On the other hand, if a woman who has been affected by her husband’s pornography use doesn’t consciously work to undo the cumulative effects his behavior has had on herself, she may continue to be burdened with unresolved fears, resentment, anger and grief.
A comparison may help to clarify this key point. If a woman is a passenger in a car driven by her out-of-control husband and he willfully steers the car into a tree and they’re both injured, it is unlikely she will get back into any other car with him without significant reassurances that he will drive more safely. Even if he takes driver safety classes and pays fines, she may still struggle and wonder if he is going to protect her. So she will need to work through her own emotional trauma and feelings of powerlessness that are associated with the injuries caused by her husband’s irresponsible driving. Similarly, she must first work through the impact of her husband’s pornography addiction on herself; later they can then begin to work on the impact his behavior has on their marriage.
I will outline some of the most helpful first steps women can take after they discover their husband’s behavior, then briefly explain what is involved in long-term recovery.
Short-term First Aid for Betrayal Trauma
1. Physical self-care is probably one of the most important—yet one of the most overlooked opportunities of early recovery for women. Trauma is acutely manifested in the body. If an individual experiences a serious threat to his or her safety (emotional or physical), the body will become tense, flood with adrenaline and have difficulty calming down. So, to ignore our body is to ignore one of the greatest resources for healing. I have found that women who make physical self-care a priority heal much faster from all other impacts of their husband’s secretive behaviors. Many women find that getting more sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, stretching, soaking in warm water, and slowing down to nurture their physical bodies help them shift out of survival mode and think clearly.
Understanding Pornography and Betrayal Trauma pp 10-12 (The rest of these steps are on page 13)
SA Lifeline Foundation
