Tuesday, April 29, 2025

Self-Care is Not Self-Ish

Self-care is a vital part of recovery for the betrayed spouse.  I did not understand that at all when I started down this journey.  At that time I had 4 children still at home, and two away at college attending BYU in Utah.  It was all I could do to get out of bed and take care of their needs.  At that point, my husband was on his own to fend for himself.  I was in my "I don't care about anything that you need" season. And I didn't feel like I could spend any time on myself.  I considered that "selfish".

Today my understanding of Self-care is different.  Not only is Self-care not selfish, it is the air that breathes life into recovery.  A friend shared a wonderful resource called: Feeling Low, Anxious, Overwhelmed?...Get Your Vowels Checked!

It is a cute A E I O U Y way of daily checking in.

So...back to those early days of my recovery... I started to learn about "Self-care" from SALifeline.  Now that it has been 13 years...I should be a pro!  Nope.  Still working on it.  One resource that helps me is "Understanding Pornography and Betrayal Trauma" .  

This next part is a bit of a read, but I couldn't edit any of it out. It was all so good! The whole book is amazing, but as far as self-care alone, this little snippet speaks volumes!!

So, give yourself some SELF-CARE today and treat yourself to this moment to read, hear and heal. 💛

Here it is!

Betrayal Trauma:

The Effect of Pornography on the Spouse of an Addict

By Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT

It is not uncommon for well-intentioned observers to inquire about the fuss being made over pornography. Many of them assume that pornography consumption is a victimless pastime. Their line of thinking generally supports the notion that a man who views pornography in isolation is not hurting anyone. They even debate whether this same man is even hurting himself, by viewing pornography. I would like to challenge these assumptions by showing how pornography use damages not only the individuals who view it, but especially the wives of these same men. I will also include suggestions for how women who are affected by their partners’ pornography use can cope as they and their partners begin their journey toward wholeness.

In all my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery to an individual and his marriage as predictably as those that come from the use of pornography. Let me briefly outline the pattern as I see it.

First, long before his wife discovers his pornography use (either by his own disclosure or by her catching him), the husband will slowly become more self-centered, irritable, moody and impatient. He will spend less focused time with his family, seek out more distractions, begin to mentally and even verbally devalue his marriage, become critical of his wife’s body and character, feel more spiritually empty and experience more internal stress. He will become more restless, more dissatisfied with his work, and easily bored with things that used to interest him. He will also become more resentful and quick to blame when things don’t go his way.

This transformation may take years, depending on how often the individual views pornography. If he only seeks it out every few months, he may be able to fool himself into  believing that the aforementioned changes in himself are just situational and will pass with time. But for the person who views pornography more frequently, each viewing produces a faster disconnection from the man he once was. This gradual erosion of loyalty and trust inevitably generates confusion and strife in the marriage. Most wives who knew nothing of their husband’s secret pornography consumption or other illicit sexual behaviors, have told me that they felt like something was “off” in their relationship with their husbands. But they usually second-guessed those feelings, with many even reflexively blaming themselves for the disconnection in the marriage.

If undisclosed pornography use has the power to generate confusion and pain in a marriage, one can only imagine the level of pain imposed on a wife once these secret behaviors are finally brought to light. Shock, denial, anger, rage, depression, self-loathing, isolation, and fear are some of the raw emotions a woman may experience when she first learns of her husband’s secret sexual behaviors. Virtually every woman I have worked with has also experienced deep shame, embarrassment and humiliation. Unfortunately, these innocent partners too often suffer privately and remain isolated from outside support systems. Even if they initially react with visible anger, most of their pain is “sorrow that the eye can’t see.”

Most men who reveal their secretive behaviors to their wives feel some relief of not having to carry their secret burden alone anymore. Ironically, the crushing load once carried by the addict is often transferred to the wife. Burdened by this new and unwelcome weight, she typically experiences profound fear, anxiety and confusion.

Pornography addicts often pressure their spouse to keep the issue private. But, isolation seriously compounds the problem. Many women mistakenly believe they will automatically and fully recover from the trauma of their husband’s pornography use once he stops looking at it. It is easy to imagine how they might believe this: if the behavior that is causing the pain goes away, then the pain goes away with it, right? Yes and no. Yes, the pain may decrease somewhat as a husband commits to ending his pornography consumption and begins to live an authentic life that is free from the damaging effects of his addiction. On the other hand, if a woman who has been affected by her husband’s pornography use doesn’t consciously work to undo the cumulative effects his behavior has had on herself, she may continue to be burdened with unresolved fears, resentment, anger and grief.

A comparison may help to clarify this key point. If a woman is a passenger in a car driven by her out-of-control husband and he willfully steers the car into a tree and they’re both injured, it is unlikely she will get back into any other car with him without significant reassurances that he will drive more safely. Even if he takes driver safety classes and pays fines, she may still struggle and wonder if he is going to protect her. So she will need to work through her own emotional trauma and feelings of powerlessness that are associated with the injuries caused by her husband’s irresponsible driving. Similarly, she must first work through the impact of her husband’s pornography addiction on herself; later they can then begin to work on the impact his behavior has on their marriage.

I will outline some of the most helpful first steps women can take after they discover their husband’s behavior, then briefly explain what is involved in long-term recovery.

Short-term First Aid for Betrayal Trauma

1. Physical self-care is probably one of the most important—yet one of the most overlooked opportunities of early recovery for women. Trauma is acutely manifested in the body. If an individual experiences a serious threat to his or her safety (emotional or physical), the body will become tense, flood with adrenaline and have difficulty calming down. So, to ignore our body is to ignore one of the greatest resources for healing. I have found that women who make physical self-care a priority heal much faster from all other impacts of their husband’s secretive behaviors. Many women find that getting more sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, stretching, soaking in warm water, and slowing down to nurture their physical bodies help them shift out of survival mode and think clearly.

Understanding Pornography and Betrayal Trauma pp 10-12 (The rest of his steps are on page 13)

SA Lifeline Foundation


Tuesday, April 8, 2025

Detaching With Love

In my journey there have been many hard lessons.  Many lessons I never wanted to learn.  Many things I've never wanted to face.  Betrayal Trauma is one of those things I never knew existed.  But when I read about it I feel like someone has had a hidden camera inside my mind and heart.  

Navigating Betrayal Trauma has been hard for me.  My emotions will be all over the place.  I doubt myself to make decisions.  I doubt that I will ever feel love again.  I don't believe that healing can ever happen.  Then it seems the pendulum swings far the other way and I do feel hope.  I do have faith.  I do believe that healing will happen.  

In the messy, mixed up parts of this swinging pendulum I have had to learn how to process my feelings.  Which ones to let pass and which ones to hold on to.  

One technique that I am learning more about is Detaching With Love.  I've heard that phrase countless times in support groups, books and counseling.  I don't have it down yet, but I have found a resource that is helpful:





I haven't found a magic wand to make it all go away yet.  So as I continue down the path of healing and recovery I watch for things that really make a difference.  The wisdom from this site did for me.  I hope it can help you too as you click on that link above and access Heavenly help from above too.

We can do this!

Here is the text from the article:

What is Detachment?

Detachment is learning how to stop your reactivity to the addict. One of the biggest challenges we professionals have comes after the intervention and when the addict has accepted help and enters treatment.

Many would think it is more difficult for the family when they refuse help, and sadly this is not the case. The reactivity and inability to detach when we remove the substance user from the family system are astonishing. Families have become addicted to the routine, the chaos, and the insanity. When the addict is no longer there to blame, the family instinctively carries out the chaos and drama.

Prior to the intervention, the family tells us they can not take it anymore, and the addict is incapable of telling the truth. Three days after the intervention, the family is screaming at us that their loved one just called with a laundry list of complaints about the facility, and what they are saying is 100% true. Families just can’t let go of those reactions and find it impossible to detach.

Families can love the addict and not the addiction or the behaviors associated with it. It is ok to say no, and it is ok not to react. Here are some examples of detachment that should take place and often do not:

  • Learning not to create a crisis or react to a crisis – When they call you, you don’t have to provide an immediate response. Fact-check their comments and concerns. Run your responses past your treatment team. It is OK to say NO.
  • Learning not to prevent a crisis – The addict should be held accountable. Bad planning and decision-making on their part should not constitute an emergency on your part.
  • Do Not light yourself on fire so they can be warm – Helping is doing something for somebody that can not do things for themselves. Enabling is helping someone who can do things for themselves and doesn’t have to because you’re taking care of it for them.
  • Do Not Parallel your emotions and feelings to theirs – If they feel better, you feel better. If they feel worse, you feel worse. This is enmeshed codependency, and detaching from this rollercoaster is highly advised.
  • Do Not allow yourself to be the cause of their problems – The addict runs around with their blame thrower on full blast at all times. Allowing yourself to feel bad feeds their justification that everything and everyone else is the problem. This also fills you with guilt and shame. Detach from their blame-throwing and take care of yourself.
  • Enter family recovery and self-help groups such as Al-Anon – You are not responsible for their addiction, and you are responsible for your recovery. You are also not responsible for your loved ones’ recovery. You have no control over them, and you have full control over how you choose to react to them.
https://family-intervention.com/blog/how-to-detach-from-an-addict-and-still-love-them-without-enabling-them/#h-what-is-detachment

Saturday, January 4, 2025

Breaking the Pornography Cycle - by Madelyn Davis

Courageous Madi shares her own experience with pornography addiction and healing.  This is a quick read and a wonderful resource.  

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ftsoy/2024/09/07-breaking-the-pornography-cycle?lang=eng


Breaking the Pornography Cycle

I felt alone and helpless. But my bishop reminded me of some keys to finding hope and help.

young women embracing

Illustration by Sue Teodoro

I was first exposed to pornography at age 13. I found it accidentally on social media, not knowing what it was and not understanding it. I went from unintentional exposure and curiosity to intentionally seeking it out.

At that time, my leaders’ messages about pornography seemed to be saying that it was something only boys struggled with. This left me feeling a lot of shame. I thought I’d never be able to tell anyone about my struggle. I knew about Jesus Christ’s Atonement, but because I thought that I was the only girl with this struggle, I felt like my situation was out of the Savior’s reach. I felt like the exception.

The Bishop’s Office

During those years, in places like seminary or devotionals—wherever the Spirit was present—I often felt prompted to set up a meeting with my bishop. For so long, what kept me from doing this was the idea that I had a reputation to uphold as a good kid from an active family. I thought he would see me for who I was—and I didn’t believe that person was lovable. I thought I would be met with instant punishment.

When I finally set up that meeting, it went very differently from how I expected. Instead of handing out punishment, my bishop told me: “You are still a daughter of God. You are still just as loved, and you are still just as valued.”

I remember feeling overwhelmed with love. That was the first time I had felt the power of the Savior’s Atonement so strongly in my life. Looking back, I understand why those words my bishop said were so important.

Daughter of God

When you’re struggling with pornography, you go through a cycle of shame. For me, I would feel out of touch with my own identity and then use pornography to deal with those negative emotions. Then I would feel shame and isolate myself from others, and the cycle would repeat.

For so long, I tried to rely on my own willpower to “just stop.” But I couldn’t do it on my own. My bishop helped me remember my identity—that I am a beloved daughter of God. As I met with him and remembered that truth, I started to make genuine progress.

young woman climbing a mountain

Photographs courtesy of Madelyn and her family

Madelyn knows pornography won’t be her only mountain to climb. With the help of the Savior and the right tools, she keeps finding strength to overcome life’s challenges. This photo was taken right before she climbed a glacier in Alaska, USA!

The Truth about God and the Savior

At first, I was afraid to pray. I saw Heavenly Father as a God of justice and anger. But going through the process of continual repentance has helped me understand the nature of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Knowing that repenting one time doesn’t make me immune to this struggle has allowed me to me keep relying on Their divine help. Heavenly Father already knew about and understood my trials; I just needed to reach out to Him.

I learned that both Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are merciful and understanding. As you turn to Them, They will walk alongside you and hold your hand every step of the way.

young woman with Book of Mormon

Fighting Satan’s Tactics

Understanding God’s nature also helped me understand Satan and his tools and how they work in direct opposition to God. One of Satan’s most powerful tools is shame, which is different from guilt or “godly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10). When you feel guilt, you realize you’ve made a mistake. But shame links the negative feelings you have about yourself when you sin to your identity, like you are those feelings.

Satan wanted me to believe that I could overcome this challenge on my own. This lie was something that kept me from talking to my bishop about my struggle with pornography. I felt like I couldn’t meet with him until I could say it was something I had struggled with in the past. Satan uses your individual weaknesses to make you feel unworthy to seek the Savior’s healing power.

I learned that Satan works on us when we’re isolated, so our best defense is connection. Sometimes it’s as simple as reaching out to others and spending meaningful time with good friends. Connecting with Heavenly Father, with yourself, and with others (especially with those who see you the way Heavenly Father does) is the best way to remember your true identity: a valued child of God.

young woman

A Higher Purpose

Eventually I started getting promptings to help other young women who are struggling with pornography. I felt a higher purpose. I decided to care more about what Heavenly Father thinks than what others around me might think, so I started speaking openly about my experiences.

Once you feel the undeniable joy of continual repentance, you want to share it with others! Now I continue to share this joy as I serve as a full-time missionary.

young woman with flag of Singapore

Madi was assigned to labor as a full-time missionary in the Singapore Mission, speaking Malay.

My Message

You are never alone, and there is hope.

This struggle is something you can overcome with the help of the Savior, trusted loved ones and leaders, and the right tools. Get yourself out of isolation and reach out to someone who sees you through God’s eyes. Ask them what they see in you!

No matter what your fight is, you are never beyond the reach of the Savior and His Atonement. You are redeemable. Heavenly Father loves you completely, and it’s worth it to keep repenting.

young woman