I am very frugal…well; really I am just
plain cheap. Even when it comes to tiny
bottles of super glue. I broke a dish
and needed to repair it. I had an old
bottle of super glue and instead of buying a new one; I decided to find a way to
make this one work. First of all, the
lid was glued on super tight but after some prying with good pliers, the lid
finally came off. Then the nozzle had
super glued itself shut, so in order to get the glue out I would need to somehow
get that open. The best solution to me
was a safety pin. The sharp pin fit
nicely down the center of the nozzle and I could begin to feel the clog give
way. Unfortunately my squeezing of the
tube from using the pliers built up pressure so that when I broke through the
clog, super glue came out like a geyser all over. My solution was to grab the tube, now covered
with glue, with one hand while trying to clean up the quick bonding mess with
the other. Although I was successful in
cleaning up the mess, I should have put down the tube. Now the full length of the tube was glued to
three fingers and my thumb. I was
stuck. It wasn’t my plan, I had very
good intentions of saving money and fixing something that was broken.
There have been many times in my recovery that I have also become
“stuck”. And it is oh so easy to
do! As the spouse of an addict I
experience Betrayal Trauma. I learned
from *SALifeline.org what this is, how to recognize it and what I can do about
it. Understanding and applying surrender
is an enormous part of recovery for both the spouse and the addict. Surrender has been one of the most difficult
steps for me, but has become one of my best allies in this battle. In my healing
I need to surrender something in order to begin or make progress in the next
step.
So back to
my glue story…Once I realized how stuck I was I soaked my hand in warm water,
trying to slowly separate my fingers from the bottle and from each other. I was successful in freeing my thumb and ring
finger, but the other two fingers were hopelessly stuck. Each attempt to free them proved to be
painful and if continued, would cause further damage to my fingers. There was a solution that I could soak them
in which would break this bond, but I did not have it in my home. I had no choice but to get in my car, drive
to the store (glue bottle still stuck!) and purchase the needed solution. When I got there, of course, I couldn’t find
it and needed to ask for help. My
situation brought a smile to the employee’s face as she recounted super glue
“stuck” situations in her life. The
cashier had a similar response and it was easy to see that they both could
relate to - what I felt was - the worst super glue incident ever. Entering the store I felt embarrassed to even
have to find this solution for my fingers. Leaving the store with the correct
solution, I also had the encouragement and reassurance from others that it would
be ok.
When I am stuck in betrayal trauma there is an
outlined solution. I would rather do it
my own way, however that only results the same as soaking my fingers in the
water, there is a little progress, but not the real healing I desire. As outlined in **SA Lifeline on Betrayal Trauma, I need to recognize that I cannot change my spouse. I recognize that I have been “deeply injured by the deceit, disrespect
and anger in (my) relationship”. And
“Only with God’s help can (I myself)
truly heal and thrive.” If I will
interrupt the cycle of Betrayal Trauma that I get stuck in, I can replace it
with a powerful cycle of Healing and Recovery.
This includes Education, Spiritual Guidance, Qualified Therapy and
Working the 12 Steps. In my recovery
journey there are individuals, like the employees at the store, who recognize
where I am, are on journeys of their own and offer love and encouragement. They do not remove the glue bottle for me,
but support me in finding and applying the solution that will.
Step 4 in ARP Spouse and Family
Support Guide is:
Draw Near unto
Me
“Many
times we are confronted with problems that seem beyond our own capability and
understanding to overcome. Our need for
help can lead us to ask our loving Heavenly Father for guidance and
direction. We have been counseled, ‘If
any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God”. The Lord desires to answer our
prayers and will speak to us through the Holy Ghost. Elder Richard G. Scott taught, ‘Impressions
of the Spirit can come in response to urgent prayer or unsolicited when
needed. Sometimes the Lord reveals truth
to you when you are not actively seeking it, such as when you are in danger and
do not know it”.
Placing things into the Lord’s hands is
hard! My first feeling is the same one
that I had with the stuck fingers, I will try it my own way, even though I’d
read what I really needed to do. After
struggling and causing myself more anxiety, I gave up and went with what would
really work. I was embarrassed at the
thought of what people would think when they saw that bottle of glue stuck to my
fingers. In my recovery I was
embarrassed to think what others would think of me, my family and of Jeff if
they found out. Well, our story is very
public and the response has been incredibly loving, supportive and has added a
great deal to our individual healing.
Placing
things into the Lord’s hands has helped me to “draw near” to Him. The Lord will help us to do things “in wisdom and order” (Mosiah 4:27) as
we remember the words of Mormon, “Know ye
not that ye are in the hands of God? Know ye not that He hath all power?”
(Mormon 5:23). This reality takes
pressure off of me and as I apply His Atoning “solution” to my “stuck” problems
I am experiencing healing.
