Turn the Page

“There comes a time when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were on.”
 -Zayn Malik

I find that I want to stay on pages that feel safe, even though the reality of where I am is on the pages that follow.  Not turning the pages doesn't change the truth of what is on them.  Trying to re-live the same page over and over is keeping me from moving forward and progressing in my own recovery.  

I want to quickly turn the pages for my husband in his book, get him through the hard times and on to better things that I think he has within himself.  I want him to turn the pages to see the same thing that I do and I hope they are written there.  But that is me trying to manage his recovery.  

There is a song from "My Turn On Earth" that goes like this:

I'm the one that writes my own story.
I decide the person I'll be.
What goes in the plot and what will not
Is pretty much up to me.

And just in case I need to erase
It was figured out before.
A thing called Repentance, can wipe out a sentence
A page or a chapter or more.

Everyone who writes his own story
Now and then will make some mistakes
But given some care, they needn't stay there
And this is all that it takes,

You must know you've done wrong and so
You feel very bad and then
Don't try to hide it, do try to write it
And vow you won't do it again.

This book of mine is very important
And so someone is waiting right there
To help with my story, He's been there before me
And always as close as a prayer,

We will write each day and night
And do it well and faithfully
A wonderful story, of sadness and glory
It's written by Jesus and Me.

Of course this is a simplified version of repentance and forgiveness.  Otherwise it would have been a really, really long song! ;)  But a comforting and beautiful message testifying of the reality of forgiveness (which I remember more when Jeff is in good recovery than when he is relapsing).

"In this rigorous process, so much clearly depends upon meekness. Pride keeps repentance from even starting or continuing. Some fail because they are more concerned with the preservation of their public image than with having Christ’s image in their countenances! (Alma 5:14.) Pride prefers cheap repentance, paid for with shallow sorrow. Unsurprisingly, seekers after cheap repentance also search for superficial forgiveness instead of real reconciliation. Thus, real repentance goes far beyond simply saying, 'I’m sorry.'
Nov. 1991 Ensign, Repentance, Neal A. Maxwell

"Basically our loved ones took something from us and have incurred a debt. Often we want the debtor to repay the debt before we forgive. Forgiveness is not really about whether the loan is repaid or not. Forgiveness is really not about two human beings. It's about us. It's about our peace. We really only need one party to act in order to achieve forgiveness and that is us. We do not need the other party who offended us to do anything. Yes, it would be nice if they made amends and repaid the debt, but many will not and may even be arrogant. By not choosing forgiveness, we are allowing our loved ones to continue to hold us captive. We are allowing our loved ones to control us if we choose not to forgive. Forgiveness is releasing our loved ones from the debt they incurred. The slate is wiped clean. We are no longer the creditor and they are no longer the debtor. We have forgiven the debtor; however, we are the ones who are free."
Rod Jeppsen - Lord I Believe, Help Thou Mine Unbelief - page 367

A very important part of our Savior's Atonement is the healing portion for all of the hurts and injuries that we have.  Also the realization that forgiveness is more for us than for the person that wronged us.  When we learn this, we learn to forgive ourselves more freely too.

Do I hear better in the darkness?

I just want to share an "ah ha" moment that I had today and preserve it here so that I can refer to it again.  Not sure if anyone actually reads this blog, which is fine.  It is just very therapeutic for me to write here.  AND my memory is so horrible that it is nice to be able to come here and remember thoughts that I had.  BUT...if you are reading this...thank you!  It is nice not to be alone in this journey. ;)

I took on the challenge of President Ballard to read 3 Nephi with the intent of looking for all forms of "ministering" and to find the times "one by one" is used.  I found a sermon to myself here that I have overlooked for years.  

In chapter 9 of 3 Nephi Christ has died, there was great destruction and the 3 days of darkness.  Now, in the 3 days of darkness Christ talks to the people 2 times.  Interestingly, they heard and understood Him both times.  BUT after the darkness, when they are back in the light, when they are going about returning to their lives and some time has passed they could not understand His voice.  We don't know if it was a day, a week, a month or several months after the darkness, but we do know it was within the same 34th year.  My assumption is that it wasn't too long.  The point is that when they were in the very depths of despair, in the deep darkness, they heard and understood His voice.  They were humbled beyond what they had ever been before and they heard Him.  Once they started back into recovery in the light it took more for them to hear Him.  They knew there was a voice, but did not understand it.  In fact, it wasn't until the third time that they understood the voice.  

WOW!  This was completely eye opening for me!  I have totally been here!  In the depths of hurt and pain, I can hear Him and completely rely on Him.  But when I get going in my "natural man" life, no matter how small, I am not "relying wholly on the merits of him who is mighty to save".  2 Nephi 31:19  I let myself get distracted by other things that are out in the light.  Even if I am going to church every Sunday, even if I am doing my calling, even if I am going to the temple, but as I do those things more "wholly" and rely on Him more "wholly" I can hear His voice in the light just as I did in the darkness.

When He first spoke to the Nephites as they were in the darkness, He told them about all of the destruction that was done and the reason.  Then he told these people that they were spared because they were the "more righteous" part of the people.  He didn't say they were perfect or that they had to stop trying.  He said they were better than the ones that stoned the prophets.  Then he said to them,

"will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? 14 Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.” 3 Nephi 9:13-14

He is not calling the perfect to Him.  He is calling me.  The sinner who is trying and who desires to be healed. He is reaching out to us and He will not exclude one, not one who will come.  No matter what we have done.  The job is for us to reach out to that extended hand, grab it, and come unto our Savior in every word we speak, in every action we do, in every thought we process, in every feeling we have.  We will not make it to that perfected level in this life, but that is ok.  Our job is to keep trying, no matter if our world has just been destroyed, just like these Nephites. 

End of sermon ;)  Now I have to get busy living it. :)