Friday, July 29, 2016

Recovery is not a One Stop Shop

When I started out in my own recovery I didn't want to waste time reading the "wrong" books, attending the "wrong" meetings or spending any of my time doing the "wrong" things.  I just wanted a nice cut and dry list of things to do, do them and recover.  Holy cow!  That would have been great!  But...

Just talking to my spouse
           ...is not enough.
Just talking to my bishop
           ...is not enough.
Just attending support groups
           ...is not enough.
Just going to counseling
           ...is not enough.
Just getting a support person
           ...is not enough...but ALL have been vital in my recovery.

Still, this is not a complete list!  There are so many wonderful resources that help along the recovery journey.

In the beginning I knew that I wanted to recover, so I found a person that was in good recovery and asked what they did and then followed their example.  They do everything that is on this list, quoted from LDS Family Services "Support in Recovery":

As addicts work to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they will benefit from the sources listed below. 
1.        Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting. Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to a happier way of life. 
2.        A support person, experienced in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing relapse. 
3.        Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is essential.  “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage [the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance” (True to the Faith, 134).
4.        Family members can most effectively be a source of support by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own lives.  “Virtually everyone living in these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles” as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71).  On a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing it.
5.       Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective when dealing with addiction.  When selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery. 

Lately I have focused on this "Support in Recovery".  This paper was given to me the first meeting that I attended in Utah (The entire resource is under my "Support in Recovery" tab and can also be accessed through LDS Family Services).  It is written to the addict, but applies to the spouses and family members just as much!  I kept that paper with me constantly, read and re-read it, highlighted, underlined, wrote notes, copied, referred to and treasured it. I still have that worn out, folded, wrinkled and loved blue paper. 

The Lord does not teach in a "One Stop Shop" way either.  We have many books of scripture, we have many prophets, we have many doctrines and commandments.  We don't learn everything in one church meeting, we don't learn everything in one temple session, or family home evening, or home teaching/visiting teaching.... we learn line upon line.

And so it is with recovery, it is line upon line.  The Lord has directed me in my recovery process and the whole purpose of this blog is to share the resources I've found helpful with you.  I know that my way of recovery is not the only way, the Lord will personalize yours as you ask Him and He will direct you. 

Neal A. Maxwell says that the Lord "will customize your curriculum". (But For a Small Moment BYU Speeches September 1, 1974)  I continue to experience this in my personal recovery and it is a miraculous blessing!

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Telephone Pole Goals and Unfamiliar Roads

I've been off the radar for a while and haven't done anything with my blog.  I've had a bunch of struggles in my own recovery.  I was at the point to give in, admit defeat and concede that I was never going to experience healing and it's easier to just call it quits, allow the marriage to end and come to the realization that I'm going to live the rest of my life alone.  But those are not the Lord's words.  They weren't even MY words.  They are the words of that Rotten Satan that wants to destroy anything that has a chance.  And regardless of my feelings, my marriage still had a chance and has a chance.  A GREAT chance.  I have a husband who is trying and as long as I keep trying too we can make this happen no matter how unfamiliar this road is that I am on. 

I thought about unfamiliar roads as I was recently in Rexburg, Idaho.  I went out for my morning run...ok...if I am completely honest it was more of a walk with small spurts of running.  Beautiful Idaho roads, green fields of potato plants, sprinklers spraying in the morning light and faded mountains way off in the distance.  I didn't know exactly where I was going, but as I paid attention to my surroundings at least I knew where I had been. I had a goal in mind but I was not familiar with the road or really knew how far I needed to go to reach it.  So I started.  As I progressed down this road I wanted to run and get this journey over with.  As I got tired I started to set small goals, just the next telephone pole.  I counted steps and thought, “I can make it to the next telephone pole”.  Then I continued to make it to the next, the next and the next until I reached the turning point of the road.  I don’t know how far I ran, but I ran farther than I would have if I had only focused on running the whole thing. 

Recovery is an unfamiliar road for me.  No matter how fast I run it, I cannot make my husband progress in his journey, so my focus has to be on my journey, my telephone poles, leaving him free to focus on his own.   

I still struggle with surrender and the feeling that if I don’t help him along, he won’t go in the right direction.  But the true principle of surrender and applying it has proven to be more healing in my personal recovery and in our marriage.   

My faith needs to be in the Savior Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, to heal Jeff and to heal our marriage no matter where that happens along this unfamiliar road. 

David A. Bednar said, “The Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did.  And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life.  He can reach out, touch, succor – literally run to us – and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”

One step at a time is all that is asked of me.  Putting too much pressure on myself brings doubt, fear, hopelessness and the feeling that things will never change.  That is why I wanted to give up.  I could not see the end of the road, but didn’t realize that all I have to do is to pick up my feet and keep my eye on that next telephone pole.