I Don't Want to Leave Anything in the Garden

Each Christmas I try to take my focus a little more off the presents and more on the purpose.  This is super hard for me because I love to give gifts and that can consume the whole holiday for me.  Through my recovery process I have been given the gift of a renewed sight and way to see Christmas.  The tenderness that I feel for that baby and the promise that was held in his birth has brought new meaning to this season for me.  Encased in that infant was the hope of the world.  He came into this world equipped to hold everything that I would be facing.  

Through all my youth I was taught, "You will not be given anything more than you can handle".  In those dark overwhelming moments of defeat and despair, I did not feel that at all.  "It's too much...I can't do this one...Everyone has a breaking point and this one is mine", are things that I processed in my head.  But I didn't remember that what I was given to handle was not meant to be handled alone.  It is this moment that counts!  The moment that I turn from myself, turn to the Lord and accept His gift of help.  It is real and often comes delivered in the hands of another.

Traditionally Christmas focuses on the birth and the stable.  But my thoughts go to the green of the garden.  The Garden of Gethsemane where my Savior would kneel, facing the most difficult task that only He could do.  Take on all.  Everything.  Even though He had all power to do this, He still asked the Father 3 times if this cup could pass from Him.  In essence, even our Savior asked, "Do I have to do this?  Is there another way?"  And even our Savior was sent help through the strength and comfort of an angel to help Him through.  Yes, He showed us how to lean on someone else for help, how to cleave to Him in our trials. He showed us that perfect and complete does not mean alone.

I was not in the garden with Him, but my sins were.  My hardships, hurts, fears, pains, doubts, hopelessness...everything!  It was all in the garden with Him. This most difficult trial of my life was in the garden with Him.  His sacrifice, his suffering is something that I do not comprehend.  Yet through this miraculous event I can now receive, reach back, recover.  I can be refined.  It is ALL paid for.  I feel that if I do not accept the price that He paid for me by repenting, forsaking, leaning, cleaving, releasing, then I leave something completely paid for unused.  I don't want to leave this gift in the garden, I want the cleansing power of the Atonement for me.  This is the gift that I have come to treasure.  This is the gift that I now focus on through the Christmas season and the gift that I choose to carry with me everyday.  

When I hear the echoing melody of Silent Night begin to play, my heart is pierced and it's hard to keep back the tears.  
"Silent Night.  Holy Night."  
The night that hope was born to this world.  
"All is calm.  All is bright."  
A bright dawn bringing the reality of redemption for no matter what we've done, no matter what we've faced.  
"Sleep in heavenly peace." 
The promise and reality that I can receive that peace in any circumstance.  At any time.

The gift that I give to Him is my broken heart and contrite (repentant) spirit.  During the sacrament, I visualize myself bringing part of my challenge from the week, placing at the base of that table and giving it to my Savior. Fittingly, Elder Dallin H. Oaks calls the sacrament table an Altar.  The sacrifice has been made. The price has been paid.  I do not want to leave anything unused in the garden and my Savior will help me carry out the heaviest loads. This is the gift He desires.  This is my gift to Him.

Merry Christmas my friends.

Sometimes Families are Upside Down...

This past week our high school put on the production of Mary Poppins.  In a nutshell the story line is that a family has been through several nannies for their children, until a magical one (Mary Poppins) comes in and helps the family solve their issues.  She stays until they no longer need a nanny and come together as a family.  At a point where the father has lost his job, wanders around lost, the children feel that their world is upside down.  Mary Poppins replies, "Sometimes families are upside down...for a while at least."

I connected right to that!  I know all too well the feeling of an upside down family.  One week after discovery I sat in a meeting with a wonderful church leader who gave me great counsel.  He told me an analogy of our family on a boat, Jeff was the captain, me as first mate and our children as passengers.  He said our boat is in need of being steered but right now the captain is sick and unable to fulfill his position.  So, as first mate I need to take the helm and steer the ship.  But to remember that the captain has all ability to recover and regain his position.  

I held on to that analogy many times and as I was "steering the ship" it was with the hope that because Jeff was still in the boat he could one day be well.  But if that was not to be the case and he would leave the boat, I was gaining experience that would help me to move forward as well.  All situations are different and we should not put ourselves or our children in a dangerous situation. However, it has been my experience that if the marriage can be recovered, it is best to give it a chance. It is not easy, (and I often wanted to jump ship!) but it really is worth the effort in giving that chance.

Step 2 of the LDS ARP Spouse and Family Support Guide is:

Shake Off the Chains with Which Ye Are Bound

It says:

It is common as we try to make sense of our difficult situation to wonder why and how our loved ones became addicted. We may feel we are somehow responsible. As parents, we may worry about what we could have done differently. As spouses, we may wonder if we failed to meet the needs of our husband or wife and ask ourselves such questions as “Am I not good enough?” and “What more could I have done?” When things do not turn out well, we are tempted to blame ourselves. This type of thinking may lead us to improperly feel responsible for other people’s choices, resulting in undeserved guilt and despair. 

A vital element in Heavenly Father’s plan is the principle of agency—the ability and privilege to make our own choices. As we study and understand this principle, the Spirit will testify to us that we are not the cause of our loved ones’ addiction. Elder Richard G. Scott said, “If you are free of serious sin yourself, don’t suffer needlessly the consequences of another’s sins. As a wife, husband, parent, or loved one, you can feel compassion for one who is in the gall of bitterness from sin. Yet you should not take upon yourself a feeling of responsibility for those acts”

When I bought in to the idea that it was my fault, I was not good at "steering the ship".  Steering the family has nothing to do with steering his addiction, this realization helps me to not take on the guilt.  I constantly go back to SAnon's 3 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it. It doesn't mean that the impact isn't there, it certainly is!  And the results of the impact are the often murky waters that I am steering through, but I am making it through.  Though our family was "upside down...for a while" and it still isn't "smooth sailing", I reflect on where it all began and where God wants me to end up.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "He who is our Eternal Father has blessed you with miraculous powers of mind and body.  He never intended that you should be less than the crowning glory of His creations."  This is true for me.  This is true for Jeff.  This is true for us all.  We have it in us to be glorious...even if we are upside down for a little while. 

It's OK to Start Again

I love that we just had Daylight Savings and this one is my favorite that gives me an opportunity to start over with my goal of getting up early and exercising.  I haven't taken advantage of it...yet.  ;)  I have a new goal to start that this week. :)  There is the blessing.  If I missed an opportunity, for whatever reason, I can start again.  I have many reasons, obstacle and excuses that I give myself not to start something that is good for me, and still I have that same blessing, I can start again.

I found a cute little note today written in innocent days of childhood by one of my daughters to another.  She had taken something belonging to the other and instead of returning it there was some back and forth retaliation and hurt feelings.  The little note said, "I am sorry I took your dress.  It is back in your closet.  I am sorry I changed the songs on your ipod.  You also reminded me to tell you never to give anything to me ever again.  I hope you will forgive me.  If you do, please write it on this note or tell me."  My assumption is that forgiveness was given, even though it was not written on the note, but what I heard in this message was fear of confession and forgiveness. 

One of the things that keeps me from starting something is fear. Step 1 in the LDS ARP Spouse and Family Support guide talks all about this.  Our fears are real, but they may not be true.  The difference is that fear is a feeling, not an action or an event.   I had a real fear that Jeff would not choose recovery at all.  I feared that I could not recover and that our marriage was not recoverable and didn't want to "waste any time" in something that wouldn't happen.  I have a real fear that my husband will return to his addiction, or already has.  To this point (and I say to this point because recovery is an everyday thing) he has not, so even though the fear is there, the action or event is not.  Everyday I progress in learning to trust Jeff and recognize that it is ok that I am not there yet, but I am heading in that direction.

Fear keeps us from the seemingly out of reach healing.  Fear has been a powerful motivator for me, but not in a good way.  We can face our fears, we can take the power away from the events, we can replace fear with faith.  Elder Russell M. Nelson taught this in a talk in 2014 Face the Future with Faith and Hope "As we think about the future, we should be filled with faith and hope. Always remember that Jesus Christ—the Creator of the universe, the architect of our salvation, and the head of this Church—is in control. He will not permit His work to fail. He will be victorious over all darkness and evil."

The hope is there for our loved one to recover.  The hope is there for us to receive the healing powers in our lives.  The hope is there for us to recover.  All of this is because our hope is in Christ and He is real.

I am so very grateful for each of you that take time to read my ramblings here. :)  I know without a doubt that the Lord knows what our days have been and He knows what they will be.  He has provided us with many helps to give us assistance in our healing along this journey.  I invite you to participate in one of these as soon as you can!  I cannot say enough good about support groups.  They have been a lifesaver in my life.  You can go to lds.org to find a 12 step ARP support group, or just CLICK HERE.  You can go to https://thearborkalamazoo.com/ to find great resources and meetings that use Healing Through Christ or just CLICK HERE.   

There are so very many resources, so if you feel that you don't know where to start or that nothing has worked yet, don't forget that it is ok to try again. :)  You can always contact me too.  There really is hope, my friend.

Strength in the Struggle

Hello friends. A friend of mine just told me of her missionary that is having a difficult time and asked for my advice.  As I thought about it I reflected on my own path of discovery, recovery and everything associated with it.  There is strength in the struggle.  I wouldn’t want to rob this missionary of the growth that he will experience through this adversity, at the same time, I understand how as a parent we want to protect our children from things that we know are going to hurt.  When they are small, this is easier and obvious.  But when they get older the things that could hurt them are not as obvious or within a parent’s control. 

I wonder, as these events of my life were playing out, what it was like for our Heavenly Father to watch.  He knew what I was heading for, he knew that I could not see the events of Jeff’s life that would have this impact on me.  However, he was preparing me.  As I have mentioned here before, the Friday before I discovered his addiction I was driving and the spirit clearly said to me, “Your family is about to experience a tragedy.”  The Lord did not prevent the tragedy, but he gave me the opportunity to prepare for it.

Surely the Lord knew all of the hardships that the early members of the church would be facing.  Being ostracized by family members, losing loved ones as they came across the ocean or traveled across the long trail to Utah, the persecution that they would face and the violence they would experience, but He did not prevent those tragedies either.  On days of tragic events I’ve heard people express, “Where was God today?  Why didn’t he prevent this?”  He was here.  He was right here.  And in D&C 122:7, after outlining all of the possible things that could happen, said, “all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” There is a similar line in my patriarchal blessing that tells me I will have the opportunity to grow through adversity and choose to overcome.  (Honestly, I did not take that as good news.)

I've written before about the betrayal trauma I’ve experienced.  In the depths of my depression, when I could not turn to Jeff, I still did not feel alone.  God was right there.  Even when I didn’t feel peace and thought that my life was over, there was a microscopic feeling in some remote corner of my heart that things would work out.  D&C 6:33-34 spoke solace to my soul and gave me an understanding I hadn’t had before.  That understanding was in one little word.  As I personalized it I heard: “Fear not to do good, Susan, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, Susan; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.”

LET!  That was the word!  LET!  Let it happen.  Bring it on.  It is coming so be prepared.  What was my preparation?  The Sunday School answers!  Prayer, repentance, forgiveness, scripture study, fasting, service, attending church, fulfilling my callings, temple attendance, faith, etc…these things do more to thwart the fiery darts than anything that the world has to offer.  These things build upon the foundation of my Savior Jesus Christ.  “My reward”, as spoken of in the above scripture, is not an earthly one.  If I sow righteous choices, it has no bearing if someone else will too.  If I am kind, it does not take away the agency of another to not be kind back to me.  That is not the cause and effect.  The cause is Jesus Christ and the effect is what I will become through Him.

So, “fear not”.  I don’t know what is on my horizon.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  But I know what I have learned and what I continue to learn.  I do better when I put my faith where it belongs, in my Savior.  There IS strength in the struggle.

The Unfinished Tower

Yesterday I attended a funeral where my bishop shared a tiny parable that I wasn't familiar with.  It is that of the "unfinished tower".  In Luke 14:28-30 is where to find this parable.  I am going to paraphrase, but, please check the reference because the source is always better than me. ;)

So a person sets out to build a tower, carefully considers what it will take, the materials and the effort, and counts the cost and assesses if they have the means to do this.  Then they begin to build this tower, fully believing that they can do it, and in the process - for whatever reason - is not able to finish it and everyone around them says something to the effect of, "well, I knew you couldn't do it anyway". 

As I read and re-read this little parable I could see myself trying to build that tower.  I remember the moment, after discovering Jeff's addiction, that I wanted to rebuild our marriage. I turned to him and asked if he was serious about getting this out of his life, now, this was only about 2 weeks in.  I thought I could see all the materials layed out and had all intentions of completing that tower.  The tower that I saw was him overcoming his addiction.  And if he overcame his addiction surely our marriage would be recovered, I thought.  He said he was all in or '"haply" going to accomplish this.  And I believe that in that moment we both were.

Stuff happens, pain happens, doubt, fear, relapse, tears, heartache and then when I look at the tower, now as the one on the outside, I think..."I knew he couldn't do it anyway."  I went to my therapist, defeated at this point.  Just wanting him to tell me that it was ok, I had made my best effort, I had done all that God had asked me to do and I could leave the marriage and start a new life.  But that's not what he said.  He said, "Susan, you're putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Christ". 

I was looking at the tower all wrong.  The tower wasn't Jeff's recovery, my recovery or the recovery of our marriage, the tower was ME.  Those recoveries may be parts of my tower, but they are only elements of it.  Even after all I can do, I cannot complete that tower on my own.  Jesus Christ is the finisher.  Pslam 118:8-9 says: "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.  It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in princes".

Jesus Christ is the "author and finisher of (my) faith".  Paul taught this to the Hebrews. (Hebrews 12:2)  So what does that mean to me?  I go back to the desire to build the tower with Jeff.  My intent was not to stop midway and give up.  My intent was to see it through, but I didn't know what seeing it through meant.  My faith was in what I wanted it to become, not in what the Lord wants ME to become.  The tower will look much different in the end when I allow Christ to be the finisher.  It will be a better tower, better than any that I could design for myself. 

And to those who stand on the side and criticized instead of helped, I recognize that, "The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, or yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

Even though I don't know how to complete the tower, I have all the tools!  I have all the materials and where I fall short, the Finisher will come and He will help me and He will help you! Step 9 talks about this very thing.  It says,

"While we may not now be able to fully trust our loved ones, we can trust the Lord and His protection.  He helps us effectively cope with the many worries and fears we encounter.  He provides us with assurances through His Spirit that help us find peace and hope.  Nephi declared, 'O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever' (2 Nephi 4:34)".

The race is not to the Swift, Strong, Brave, Wise.  We can run this race "haply", completely intending to finish, and as we accept the help that is there and offer our support to others we will, "Run that (we) shall obtain"!  And friends, we're gonna make it!

Sometimes We Get Stuck

I am so sorry that I have not blogged consistently lately.  Thank you for your patience in my “humanness”. :)

 

I am very frugal…well; really I am just plain cheap.  Even when it comes to tiny bottles of super glue.  I broke a dish and needed to repair it.  I had an old bottle of super glue and instead of buying a new one; I decided to find a way to make this one work.  First of all, the lid was glued on super tight but after some prying with good pliers, the lid finally came off.  Then the nozzle had super glued itself shut, so in order to get the glue out I would need to somehow get that open.  The best solution to me was a safety pin.  The sharp pin fit nicely down the center of the nozzle and I could begin to feel the clog give way.  Unfortunately my squeezing of the tube from using the pliers built up pressure so that when I broke through the clog, super glue came out like a geyser all over.  My solution was to grab the tube, now covered with glue, with one hand while trying to clean up the quick bonding mess with the other.  Although I was successful in cleaning up the mess, I should have put down the tube.  Now the full length of the tube was glued to three fingers and my thumb.  I was stuck.  It wasn’t my plan, I had very good intentions of saving money and fixing something that was broken. 

There have been many times in my recovery that I have also become “stuck”.  And it is oh so easy to do!  As the spouse of an addict I experience Betrayal Trauma.  I learned from *SALifeline.org what this is, how to recognize it and what I can do about it.  Understanding and applying surrender is an enormous part of recovery for both the spouse and the addict.  Surrender has been one of the most difficult steps for me, but has become one of my best allies in this battle. In my healing I need to surrender something in order to begin or make progress in the next step. 

So back to my glue story…Once I realized how stuck I was I soaked my hand in warm water, trying to slowly separate my fingers from the bottle and from each other.  I was successful in freeing my thumb and ring finger, but the other two fingers were hopelessly stuck.  Each attempt to free them proved to be painful and if continued, would cause further damage to my fingers.  There was a solution that I could soak them in which would break this bond, but I did not have it in my home.  I had no choice but to get in my car, drive to the store (glue bottle still stuck!) and purchase the needed solution.  When I got there, of course, I couldn’t find it and needed to ask for help.  My situation brought a smile to the employee’s face as she recounted super glue “stuck” situations in her life.  The cashier had a similar response and it was easy to see that they both could relate to - what I felt was - the worst super glue incident ever.  Entering the store I felt embarrassed to even have to find this solution for my fingers. Leaving the store with the correct solution, I also had the encouragement and reassurance from others that it would be ok.

When I am stuck in betrayal trauma there is an outlined solution.  I would rather do it my own way, however that only results the same as soaking my fingers in the water, there is a little progress, but not the real healing I desire.  As outlined in **SA Lifeline on Betrayal Trauma, I need to recognize that I cannot change my spouse.  I recognize that I have been “deeply injured by the deceit, disrespect and anger in (my) relationship”.  And “Only with God’s help can (I myself) truly heal and thrive.”  If I will interrupt the cycle of Betrayal Trauma that I get stuck in, I can replace it with a powerful cycle of Healing and Recovery.  This includes Education, Spiritual Guidance, Qualified Therapy and Working the 12 Steps.  In my recovery journey there are individuals, like the employees at the store, who recognize where I am, are on journeys of their own and offer love and encouragement.  They do not remove the glue bottle for me, but support me in finding and applying the solution that will. 

Step 4 in ARP Spouse and Family Support Guide is:

Draw Near unto Me

“Many times we are confronted with problems that seem beyond our own capability and understanding to overcome.  Our need for help can lead us to ask our loving Heavenly Father for guidance and direction.  We have been counseled, ‘If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God”. The Lord desires to answer our prayers and will speak to us through the Holy Ghost.  Elder Richard G. Scott taught, ‘Impressions of the Spirit can come in response to urgent prayer or unsolicited when needed.  Sometimes the Lord reveals truth to you when you are not actively seeking it, such as when you are in danger and do not know it”.

Placing things into the Lord’s hands is hard!  My first feeling is the same one that I had with the stuck fingers, I will try it my own way, even though I’d read what I really needed to do.  After struggling and causing myself more anxiety, I gave up and went with what would really work.  I was embarrassed at the thought of what people would think when they saw that bottle of glue stuck to my fingers.  In my recovery I was embarrassed to think what others would think of me, my family and of Jeff if they found out.  Well, our story is very public and the response has been incredibly loving, supportive and has added a great deal to our individual healing. 

Placing things into the Lord’s hands has helped me to “draw near” to Him.  The Lord will help us to do things “in wisdom and order” (Mosiah 4:27) as we remember the words of Mormon, “Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God? Know ye not that He hath all power?” (Mormon 5:23).  This reality takes pressure off of me and as I apply His Atoning “solution” to my “stuck” problems I am experiencing healing.

Let The Storm Rage On!

I am home!!!  I am so excited to get to go to the meeting tonight!!!!  Yesterday I drove past the building where the meetings are held and I was just so excited at the thought that I would get to attend the meeting in person.  No technical difficulties, no other obstacles, I just get to go, be uplifted and be blessed by the spirit of the Lord and the strength of incredible women!!

I didn’t always feel this way about meetings and I have talked about this before.  Yesterday those feelings came flooding back of all the meetings that I’ve attended.  Regardless of how I felt at the meeting I always came away with something.  Some realization that I needed to work on me, or just the feeling of knowing that I was not alone, or to see a glimmer that recovery was possible.  I am so very grateful for the gift that others have given to me of sharing their stories.  That is a sacrifice and one that blesses the lives of others.  So, to you courageous women I am very thankful!  You have so blessed my life. 

This past week, before we left China, our city experienced a direct hit by a typhoon.  I had never experienced one and didn’t know what to expect.  We followed direction and prepared what we could.  I prayed and I received a comforting feeling that everything would be fine.  The storm was to hit in the early morning hours.  I expected loud winds, lightning and rain to wake me, but morning came and when I looked out my window all I saw was what looked like a thunderstorm.  Honestly, I was pretty disappointed.  I had seen pictures before of typhoons and I’d wanted to experience a really good storm.  So, I went back to bed.  In our apartment complex you  have to cross a courtyard to get to the main building.  We went out later and between us and the main building was a lot of storm damage!  In fact the storm was still raging and we couldn’t even hear it from our apartment!  Staff was at each door of the main building with boards holding them shut.  Security was outside patrolling to make sure no one was out in dangerous situations.  I could see the rain being blown sideways, trees down, damage to the buildings, but it had hardly touched our apartment!  Our apartment is in a separate building built in a little alcove next to a hill.  We were in the middle of the storm, but received great protection.

I thought about this in relation to the scripture of the house being built on the rock.  The rock provided protection in the midst of a raging storm! 
“And the rains descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and did beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was built up on the rock” Matthew 7:25

But that wasn’t all.  In the verse just before the Savior tells that those he likens to the wise man are those that “heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them”.   Do.  That’s the secret!  Not just hear, not just know, not just experience, but do!  Dang it!  I didn’t want to “do”.  I can’t recall the number of times I read something about addiction recovery and thought, “I don’t want to do that” or “This doesn’t apply to MY situation” and then it did.  And at the times that I put my will behind God’s will I am protected from that storm.  It may rage around me but He provides the alcove, his loving arms, around me and you.

 

I know that the adversary is going to continue to work on me and my family.  I know that more storms will come, but in the mean time I am going to continue to prepare, recover and heal so that when that next wave comes I can look into the eye of the storm and say, "Let the storm rage on!  I know upon which rock I am built! And it is in Him that I put my trust!"

We can do this sisters!

Recovery is not a One Stop Shop

When I started out in my own recovery I didn't want to waste time reading the "wrong" books, attending the "wrong" meetings or spending any of my time doing the "wrong" things.  I just wanted a nice cut and dry list of things to do, do them and recover.  Holy cow!  That would have been great!  But...

Just talking to my spouse
           ...is not enough.
Just talking to my bishop
           ...is not enough.
Just attending support groups
           ...is not enough.
Just going to counseling
           ...is not enough.
Just getting a support person
           ...is not enough...but ALL have been vital in my recovery.

Still, this is not a complete list!  There are so many wonderful resources that help along the recovery journey.

In the beginning I knew that I wanted to recover, so I found a person that was in good recovery and asked what they did and then followed their example.  They do everything that is on this list, quoted from LDS Family Services "Support in Recovery":

As addicts work to apply the 12 steps of recovery, seeking necessary support from others, they will benefit from the sources listed below. 

1.        Recovery meetings provide support in a group setting. Participants include LDS Family Service missionaries, facilitators experienced in recovery, and others who are practicing recovery principles. In these meetings, newcomers hear participants describe how they apply recovery principles and practices in daily living. The sharing of personal recovery experiences encourages action toward recovery and fosters hope that recovery is obtainable. Every person attending recovery support group meetings is tangible evidence that this process leads to freedom from the bondage of addiction and to a happier way of life. 

2.        A support person, experienced in 12-step recovery, is especially qualified to help because of their own emergence from denial and self-deception. This emergence enables them to recognize the dishonesty that traps others affected by addiction. A support person helps those in recovery put their “lives into perspective and avoid exaggerating or minimizing [their] accountability” (Guide, 29). Both the giver and receiver of support are blessed with growth in their own recovery. This reciprocal opportunity to give and receive support is one of the core benefits of participating in the Addiction Recovery Program and is powerful in preventing relapse. 

3.        Ecclesiastical support in the process of recovery is essential.  “[We] should not be reluctant to encourage [the addict] to turn to the Lord’s authorized servants” (Guide, 71). Never forget or underestimate the power of ecclesiastical stewardship. “While only the Lord can forgive sins, these priesthood leaders (Bishops and Stake and Mission Presidents) play a critical role in the process of [healing and] repentance” (True to the Faith, 134).

4.        Family members can most effectively be a source of support by offering love and acceptance, and by applying the same 12 steps to their own lives.  “Virtually everyone living in these perilous times [will] benefit by learning and applying gospel principles” as outlined in the Guide (Guide, 71).  On a cautionary note, disclosures of personal inventories are not shared with immediate family members or anybody who might be adversely affected by hearing it.

5.       Professional counselors are often sources of insight and perspective when dealing with addiction.  When selecting professional help, it is important to select someone who is supportive of gospel principles as well as 12-step recovery. 

Lately I have focused on this "Support in Recovery".  This paper was given to me the first meeting that I attended in Utah (The entire resource is under my "Support in Recovery" tab and can also be accessed through LDS Family Services).  It is written to the addict, but applies to the spouses and family members just as much!  I kept that paper with me constantly, read and re-read it, highlighted, underlined, wrote notes, copied, referred to and treasured it. I still have that worn out, folded, wrinkled and loved blue paper. 

The Lord does not teach in a "One Stop Shop" way either.  We have many books of scripture, we have many prophets, we have many doctrines and commandments.  We don't learn everything in one church meeting, we don't learn everything in one temple session, or family home evening, or home teaching/visiting teaching.... we learn line upon line.

And so it is with recovery, it is line upon line.  The Lord has directed me in my recovery process and the whole purpose of this blog is to share the resources I've found helpful with you.  I know that my way of recovery is not the only way, the Lord will personalize yours as you ask Him and He will direct you. 

Neal A. Maxwell says that the Lord "will customize your curriculum". (But For a Small Moment BYU Speeches September 1, 1974)  I continue to experience this in my personal recovery and it is a miraculous blessing!

Telephone Pole Goals and Unfamiliar Roads

I've been off the radar for a while and haven't done anything with my blog.  I've had a bunch of struggles in my own recovery.  I was at the point to give in, admit defeat and concede that I was never going to experience healing and it's easier to just call it quits, allow the marriage to end and come to the realization that I'm going to live the rest of my life alone.  But those are not the Lord's words.  They weren't even MY words.  They are the words of that Rotten Satan that wants to destroy anything that has a chance.  And regardless of my feelings, my marriage still had a chance and has a chance.  A GREAT chance.  I have a husband who is trying and as long as I keep trying too we can make this happen no matter how unfamiliar this road is that I am on. 

I thought about unfamiliar roads as I was recently in Rexburg, Idaho.  I went out for my morning run...ok...if I am completely honest it was more of a walk with small spurts of running.  Beautiful Idaho roads, green fields of potato plants, sprinklers spraying in the morning light and faded mountains way off in the distance.  I didn't know exactly where I was going, but as I paid attention to my surroundings at least I knew where I had been. I had a goal in mind but I was not familiar with the road or really knew how far I needed to go to reach it.  So I started.  As I progressed down this road I wanted to run and get this journey over with.  As I got tired I started to set small goals, just the next telephone pole.  I counted steps and thought, “I can make it to the next telephone pole”.  Then I continued to make it to the next, the next and the next until I reached the turning point of the road.  I don’t know how far I ran, but I ran farther than I would have if I had only focused on running the whole thing. 

Recovery is an unfamiliar road for me.  No matter how fast I run it, I cannot make my husband progress in his journey, so my focus has to be on my journey, my telephone poles, leaving him free to focus on his own.   

I still struggle with surrender and the feeling that if I don’t help him along, he won’t go in the right direction.  But the true principle of surrender and applying it has proven to be more healing in my personal recovery and in our marriage.   

My faith needs to be in the Savior Jesus Christ and His ability to heal me, to heal Jeff and to heal our marriage no matter where that happens along this unfamiliar road. 

David A. Bednar said, “The Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did.  And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life.  He can reach out, touch, succor – literally run to us – and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng

One step at a time is all that is asked of me.  Putting too much pressure on myself brings doubt, fear, hopelessness and the feeling that things will never change.  That is why I wanted to give up.  I could not see the end of the road, but didn’t realize that all I have to do is to pick up my feet and keep my eye on that next telephone pole.

Many Helps!

Do you ever feel like just screaming HELP!!!!

Me too.

Pornography/Sex Addiction is so rampant in this world of ours.  Thankfully there are many safe resources for help.  I try to list them in my tab "Other Sites and Articles".  One that I just found is a series being done by Meridian Magazine.  It is AWESOME.  Here are two links to this series:
http://ldsmag.com/what-wives-of-sex-addicts-want-you-to-know/
http://ldsmag.com/before-you-marry-my-good-hearted-son/#.VxZRbpKE388.mailto

These quick reads can be life changing, and on my down days they are lifelines! 

Keep going friends!  We're gonna make it!!

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Peace often is a scarce commodity in recovery, but it comes.  I have been thinking a lot lately about my personal worship, what things are most helpful for me in recovery and where I am receiving that peace.  The temple is very important to me and I do my best to attend regularly.  I am so very grateful for the peace and answers that I receive. (I promise this is not a Mormon commercial, just giving enough background so you understand the experience that I had.) In the LDS Church temples are considered to be the most sacred places on this earth.  They are places that we are able to do “work” for those that have passed on before us.  We believe that it is necessary to receive baptism and make sacred promises and covenants to God to be obedient and serve Him throughout our lives.  I am able to take the name of a family member that has passed away or a name that someone else has submitted.  It is a gift that we can give to those who cannot do this for themselves and stand “proxy” or in their place for them.  As I go to the temple I try to keep in mind the person that I stand proxy for.  I think of it as her first time in the temple and hope that it is as special for her as my own was for me.  I listen carefully to the words and try to understand these sacred promises a little better each time. (For more information on LDS Temples CLICK HERE.)

To attend the temple I need to have a “recommend”.  This requires two interviews, one with a leader in my congregation (Bishopric) and one with a leader from the larger congregation (Stake Presidency).  These are easy and the leaders are always very kind and loving.  Every 2 years we “renew” our recommends by going through the same process. 

On the Sunday before I discovered Jeff’s addiction it was time to renew my temple recommend and I had my interview with a member of our bishopric.  I felt happy, light hearted and knew I was worthy to go.  This interview seemed like a technicality and I left with the first half of my recommend in hand not knowing what the next week would hold.  The Sunday after discovery I had my Stake Presidency interview.  I didn’t think I could go through with it.  My mind was now packed with images and information so unworthy of the temple.  How could I carry my husband’s baggage into that sacred place?  But going to the temple was for me, so I went ahead with the meeting.  As I sat in that office with red, swollen eyes, I asked if this brother knew what was happening in our family.  He didn’t.  Oh I wish he had!  I didn’t want to repeat those words, but I did.  He paused and said, “Sister, you need to go to the temple.”  This interview wasn’t a “technicality”; it was a rescue mission for my soul. 

A dear friend, who was aware of my situation, went with me that first time back.  I will be forever grateful because I could not have done it without her.  It was hard to be there without Jeff.  Not just because he wasn’t there, but because he couldn’t be.  Before this the temple stood as a symbol of our eternal union but now felt like glairing evidence of all that I had lost.  My heart pounded as I approached those doors.  I wish that I could say that I received an overwhelming peace as I entered that place, but I didn’t.  I remember standing with my head bowed in a moment of prayer with tears dripping to the floor.  As hard as it was, I made it through.  That was the victory!  I made it through!  I didn’t have the experience that I tried before, focusing on the sister that I stood proxy for.  Instead I was doing my very best to stand for me. 

In the first couple of months in my recovery, I "ran away" to Utah.  I felt the great need to attend the temple and I wanted to go where it was convenient and I wouldn't see many people that I knew.  My parents were out of the country and their home was empty, so I had a place to stay alone with no interruptions or obligations. 

The second time I went to the temple was there in Utah.  I walked up to this beautiful building, still dreading entering alone.  The session was difficult as I listened to promises that I made and kept and Jeff had not.  The hurt feelings of not knowing if I could ever have an eternal marriage were extremely painful. The most sacred and peaceful room in the temple is the Celestial Room.  I sat in there and tried to find a seat away from where others were.  I could not hold back my tears.  I sat, bent over, with my face in my hands sobbing uncontrollably.  After a time I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I looked up to see a woman that I did not know.  She asked if there was something that she could do for me.  Since I didn't know her I felt safe in telling her my situation.  She was very compassionate and knowledgeable about it.  She gave me some very good advice and recommended some great books.  Most of all she showed love to a stranger in need. 

I left there and drove to a book store to purchase the books she recommended.  I stood for a long time in front of that "self help" section of the book store just staring at these books.  This was the bravest moment for me to this point in my recovery, facing the decision to take books off a shelf in a public store that all had to do with pornography addiction and recovery of the spouse.  Certainly the clerk at the counter could piece together why I was purchasing those books. (Which are listed in my book list-and I only list the ones that really help me.) But I came to the realization that I didn't care what this person may or may not be thinking.  I needed this help, so I picked up the books and made my purchase.

Meeting this woman in the temple was an answer to my prayer.  I still don't know who she was, but if I could find her I would give her a great big hug and tell her huge THANK YOU!  During that visit to Utah I continued to go to the temple.  No question, it was hard!  Now each time it gets a little bit easier…not easy, but easier.  The assurance that I am in the right place continues to come and my healing progresses as I prayerfully go.

When it came time to renew my recommend again I was blessed to meet with the same two individuals.  This time the meetings were very different.  As I met again with this member of the bishopric I had immense gratitude for truths that I had taken for granted.  I know that my Savior lives.  I know that he knelt in the garden and paid a price for me beyond what I can imagine.  I know that because of this atonement I can receive peace and healing.  We have inspired leadership in this Church under the direction of Jesus Christ.  This interview process certainly wasn't a "technicality" it was a moment for me to reflect on my personal relationship with my Savior and recognize all that He has done for me.

As I met with the member of the stake presidency I saw hope that did not exist 2 years earlier.  The temple now stands as a beacon of hope, a testimony of redemption, and a symbol of the purity that we can all receive in our lives if we accept the gift of the atonement and apply it.

Ironically enough last Sunday I renewed my temple recommend again, this time in China.  The experience gets better and better.  These are wonderful milestones that show me that I am making progress even when I think it is hard.

I often think of a conversation that I had with my wonderful therapist, Steve Perkins. (I miss this sweet man, but I know he is doing great work with others in Heaven.)  I was having a very difficult day.  I felt that I had hit rock bottom and could sink no lower.  I just wanted out of the pain, out of the hurt, I wanted my life to be what I thought it had been before.  I had been following all of the steps that he had told me to do.  I was going to meetings, I was working the steps, I was attending my therapy sessions, I was meeting with my clergy, I was talking with Jeff, I was reading and reading and reading and reading...why did it still hurt so much????  His answer to all of that was this, “It is because you are standing so close to the fire.”  He explained that this meant some things just take time.  He encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing,  go to the temple and make sure that I was putting my faith in the right place.  He showed me that I was putting too much faith in Jeff and not enough faith in Christ.  I am certain that I have written this in messages before and it is because it has made such a difference for me.  It is ok to recognize things for what they are, hold on, and realize that things will change and feelings will pass.  Sometimes change takes time.  Actually, change always takes time! We need the time to help us move away from that fire, stop feeling the heat and move toward the peace that comes through recovery.

D-Day Approaches...

March is very difficult for me because it holds my “d-day”, March 11^th.  You may even be reading this on that very day which marks 4 years since discovery.  Anniversaries of “d-day” are really hard.  On the first anniversary ALL of the memories and feelings came back in an unexpectedly enormous wave.  I was very caught off guard and knocked to my knees.  The second one was hard but wasn’t as bad as the first.  Now I am heading into the third one, dreading the worst and hoping for the best.

Step 3  in the Spouse and Family ARP Guide is, “He Will Take upon Him the Pains and the Sicknesses of His People”.  If ANYONE needs "pains and sicknesses" taken away it's me!  The spouse of an addict.  In the beginning I didn’t understand the feelings that I was experiencing.  My emotions were all over the place like huge pendulum swings.  I wanted to run to Jeff and at the same time I wanted to run from him.  When things went wrong, he was the one that I would go to, but now HE was the thing that was wrong.  I would feel there was hope and then I couldn’t see that there was even a glimmer.  What I didn’t know I was experiencing is called “Betrayal Trauma”.

The Lord has promised me that He will take my burdens and He will heal my heart.  Over the Chinese New Year our family visited Israel (which by the way was very safe) and spent most of our time in Jerusalem.  There is an excitement about just being in a city that holds so much history.  I had hoped for a great spiritual experience at the Mount of Olives, but had an altogether different one.

I had romanticized standing in an olive garden and having an experience that would witness the reality of the atonement.  I thought that by being in the places where my Savior stood, having made the long pilgrimage there, I would have that manifestation. Instead it was a cold, rainy day with a really obnoxious tour guide. But all was not lost in Israel. Those sweet assurances that Christ lived and lives came in quiet, unexpected moments. It is not the location of my physical body that makes the difference, it is the location of my heart.

The most significant experience that I have had with the Atonement had already come in a little town in Ohio.  For me it was through this process of repentance and forgiveness.  I didn’t get to stand in the same garden as my Savior, I wasn’t in the garden with Him as he first made the Atonement,  but my sins were.  My pains were, my fears, anger, tears, hurts, they were all there.  This very experience and everything associated with it was paid for there and today it remains paid for.  Because of this, He knows me.  Because of this I can heal.

On this journey of healing there have been many writings of latter-day prophets and apostles that I have heavily leaned on.  Elder Richard G. Scott’s are some of them.  His words have spoken such solace to my soul.  One thing that he said is, “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord….Lay the burden at the feet of the Savior”.  (Might I add that this is easier said than done...nevertheless it is a true principle.)

On Sundays I try to do this a little each week.  As I enter the chapel I view the sacrament table as an altar.  I picture myself bringing my broken heart and my contrite spirit (this means the burdens that I am carrying) to that altar and lay it there at the feet of the Savior.  As I renew my covenants with Him and take upon His name I feel His love for me and the reality that He has all power to take this from me as I am willing to give it to Him.  And I am....even if it is a little at a time.

Yesterday, with this "d-day" in mind I feebly let drop from my fingers hurt, pain and fear that I have been carrying into this week.  I didn't let it all go, but enough to feel lighter.  Oh that grace...that amazing grace...it works.  And in the words of Dieter Uchtdorf..."It Works Wonderfully"!

I Want to be Comfortable in My Own Skin

I have body image issues.  I did before discovery because I didn’t feel attractive to my husband, and had no idea that it was because of his addiction.  After I found out about his addiction I lost 20 pounds through depression.  Then I didn’t feel that it was safe to go back to the weight that I was when I first discovered it.  I still struggle daily with that.  I feel like weight is something that I can control, I can keep myself out of that unsafe area through my actions and it is something that is strictly mine.  But I know that it is not emotionally healthy yet.

 

I know that I cannot compete with the images, etc that Jeff saw, my body has produced 6 amazing children.  It has gotten large, labored very heavily in bringing these children in the world, is scarred from a c-section and with stretch marks from carrying big boys.  I do not look at those stretch marks or the saggy skin that remains and think how beautiful it is.  I have contemplated a tummy tuck to get rid of it, but then I think of how vain that really is and that these scars, stretch marks and saggy skin are my trophy for sacrificing my body so that 6 others might have theirs, giving Jeff the gift of 6 children.

 Still, I don’t feel beautiful.  I am an emotional eater and I love having the feeling of being full.  Then I count the calories and see the damage that I’ve done, cut way back the next day or work out extra to “pay for” what I’ve done.  Ultimately I want to be happy in my own skin.  I want to be healthy and feel beautiful, but I don’t hear those words as often as I need to.  I usually have to ask.  Although to my husband's credit he does say it more often than he ever did before. 

I don’t know why their addiction has to be so damaging to us, but it is. 

So, that is my acknowledgement of where I am and how I believe I got here. 

Now, where I should be is knowing that I am a BEAUTIFUL, RADIANT DAUGHTER OF GOD!!!  I've heard all the lessons and many times I've taught them.  I believe we are taught lessons of our self worth from the time that we are small so that when the storms of life rage we do not let them defeat us.  Sister Susan W. Tanner gave a beautiful talk in October 2005 called The Sanctity of the Body.  In it she said, “Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body, and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect.”

I wish I could remember where I saw this, but I saw a quote that said something like, “When Satan tells you that you have an ugly body you say, at least I HAVE a body!”  It was worded better than that.  It was cute and made a good point.  Satan cannot go any further in his progression.  He is done.  He is trying to get us to stunt our progression by mistreating our bodies in any number of ways.  The first thing he has to do is to convince us that we are not worth while.  We need the very foundation of knowing that we are truly children of God. 

I love Paul in the New Testament.  In Acts 17 he totally says it like it is.  He tells the Athenians, “I perceive that in all things ye are too superstitious.  For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you.”

So, he could have blasted them, told them they were all lost and fallen, worshiping wrongly, placing their devotions in things of stone that are man made but instead he tells them, “They that should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him though he be not far from everyone of us; for in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.” 

We are His offspring and he is not far from everyone of us.  We know this when we “feel after him” we are meant to be FEELING beings.  We FEEL the Spirit, we FEEL a burning in our bosom, we FEEL compassion.  You and I need to FEEL the love that He has for us.  I haven’t figured this all out.  I wish I did.  For me, body image is an everyday, everyday, everyday thing.  But I am approaching it in a much healthier way than I was before.  I still look in the mirror or in pictures and all I see is fat.  I am not sure how to change that right now, but I am working on it.  So, when you look at me I suspect that you don’t think fat or ugly (at least I hope!).  So why do we think that of ourselves?  Our self esteem was smashed by our husband’s actions.  We are in recovery and this is part of our recovery.  I continue to take this walk one day at a time and feel privileged to be walking along side many strong, amazing women!.

My goal is to accept Paul's teachings to "feel after Him" and feel the love that my Savior has for me.  He loves me no matter what shape and size I am.  He just loves me...and I need to love me too.

Boundaries

Boundaries are hard!  Not something that I had clear in my mind for a very long time.  I understood the need for them, I learned that they would be valuable in my recovery, but I just couldn't wrap my brain around how to decide what they were and how to go about setting them.   

I have discovered that it all comes down to choice and freedom.  My choice and my freedom.  I had felt so trapped, mostly behind barriers that I had set up in my mind.  I wasn't stuck.  I could leave at any time or I could decide to stay.  I could make any choice that I wanted to, but like my husband, those choices would come with a pre-set package of consequences.   

Recently I came across a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  I have not read the whole thing, but the part that I have read I really like.  I had wanted Jeff to set his own boundaries and tell me the lines that he wouldn’t cross, I wanted my counselor to show me where the line was but neither of those things happened.  I had and have to decide what is ok and what isn’t.  I have to decide if my boundaries are coming from anger or love.  The reason for this is the place that my boundaries come from is the place that I am guiding my part of the marriage to.  If I want to recover a marriage based on love, that is where my boundaries need to come from.  That really didn’t make it any easier to set boundaries for me, it is still hard. 

This is where the book Boundaries comes in. In this book is a chapter called Boundaries and Your Spouse.  In it Drs. Cloud and Townsend say this: 

“We have looked at our basic inability to change another person.  A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going.  Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path.  When we do this, we execute the power we do have, and we stop trying to wield the power no one has.  Contrast these ways of reacting:
Before Boundaries:
Stop yelling at me.  You must be nicer.
After Boundaries:
You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.
Before Boundaries:
You’ve just got to stop drinking.  It’s ruining our family.  Please listen.  You’re wrecking our lives.
After Boundaries:
You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want.  But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos.  The next time you are drunk, we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there.  Your drinking is your choice.  What I will put up with is mine.
Before Boundaries:
You are a pervert to look at pornography.  That’s so degrading.  What kind of a sick person are you anyway?
After Boundaries:
I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines.  It’s up to you.  I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me.  Make up your mind and choose.

    These are all examples of taking power over what you do have power over – yourself – and giving up trying to control and have power over someone else.

The Law of Evaluation
    When you confront your husband or wife and begin to set boundaries, your partner may be hurt.  In evaluating the pain that your boundaries setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together.  When you set boundaries, be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.
    Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them.  Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.
    Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person.  You are not demanding that your spouse do something – even respect your boundaries.  You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do.  Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.  Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse.  It is the opposite.  It is giving up control and beginning to love.  You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."
(Boundaries Cloud/Townsend pgs 164-165) 

I was pleasantly surprised how the things that they say in setting boundaries goes so much with Step 8 of the Spouse and Family Support Guide.   

I often tell people that I did not begin to get Jeff back until I really let go of him.  The principle of surrender is a large part of boundaries.  I have had to surrender so many things that I thought I had, give them up, put things in the Lord’s hand and trust.  Boundaries are necessary.  We have them lovingly given to us by our Heavenly Father and they are called commandments.  They aren’t to hold us down, they are to give us wings.  They are guardrails to safety and not bars to keep captive.  If we are able to pattern our boundaries after the way the Lord has set them for us, we will be successful in our recoveries. 

I really appreciated this section of Step 8:
Be Firm and Steadfast

How to Set Limits or Consequences
    “As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord’s guidance.  There is not one approach that is right for everyone.  The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us. 
    “There are, however, certain principles that can guide us in setting limits or consequences for our family members.  For example, our limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency  - they must be centered on what we can and will do rather than on what we want or expect someone else to dl.  they should be inspired by love, not by anger or punishment.  Limits or consequences should be clear and concrete.  They may involve a natural result of actions taken.  We can start with simple and specific limits we can implement.  For example, and appropriate place to begin is to insist that our homes be free from pornography, addictive substances, or related negative influences.
    “We should anticipate that our limits will be challenged and consequences will need to be enforces.  But we can also keep in mind that mistakes are learning opportunities, Therefore, if we establish a consequence for some action, it must be something we are willing to carry out in the spirit of love and learning.  The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  it may be helpful to discuss our plans of action with a trusted adviser or other responsible party.  This helps us to evaluate our thinking and to be alert for any motive or consequence that is not based on true and loving principles.  The Lord will help us and sustain us as we carry out these actions for the safety of our family.  His influence brings peace into our lives and the lives of our loved ones.” 

A few of the boundaries that I have set are:

·         No porn.  None!  No acting out in any way!

·         If there is a relapse he tells me within 24 hours.

·         He answers all of my questions honestly.

·         He goes to counseling (at least he did when we were in the US...we have no counselor available in China.  We were in counseling for 2 years.)

·         He goes to a 12 step meeting (he currently leads a group in China)

·         He frequently gives me validation of where he is in his recovery, not just when I ask.

These are some boundaries that have worked for me and they are as individual as each marriage.  Pray for direction and the ones that you need will come clear to you. 

Be courageous, strong and steadfast my friends!  It is a battle worth fighting.  Our personal individual recovery is worth it and, if our spouse is willing to try, our marriages are worth it too.  The Lord isn’t done with us and has many wonderful things ahead.  We may not be able to see it now, but as we allow Him to, He will guide us through.  I am in a much better place today than I ever could have seen.  Healing happens.  I am so grateful.