I Just Found Out About My Spouse's Addiction...Now what?

For me that day was March 11, 2012. In the beginning moments of discovery my life was in absolute chaos.  I am very grateful for those individuals that were there for me and helped me in those dark days.   I was given great resources, but what I felt was missing was some sort of "triage kit" for someone that had just been hit by a train.

Two weeks after discovering my husband’s addiction I wrote a letter to someone that may be going through the same thing.  (My attempt at a triage kit.) I didn’t have a name or know of any particular situation, so really I was writing it to myself.  In that time where things were very new, this is the advice that I was giving:

1. The addict needs to tell their spouse. Take her by the hands, look into her eyes, tell her that you have something really hard to tell her and that you need her help.
2. Go TOGETHER to the bishop. Do not hesitate. Go immediately!!! Do not let any time pass because Satan will pacify the feelings and try to convince you that the embarrassment is too great to face or your bishop will not understand. This is a great lie! He is your bishop for this very reason. Let him help.
3. Start the 12 step program. Go to the support group meetings for spouses and for those with the addiction. Go to the first available one. Dig deep into your courage, get past your pride, fear, embarrassment and go!
4. Let her express her anger, knowing that he has breached the most sacred relationship we have on this earth, an eternal marriage. Her emotions will swing like a pendulum daily and even several times a day, she needs to know this is perfectly normal because the human mind is trying to protect her from this shock.
5. Both need to find a friend that they can confide in, someone that is not each other. Someone that will listen and not be judgmental, but will keep this confidential.
6. Wake up each morning and put one foot in front of the other. Eat, you won’t feel like it, but eat.
7. Have 30 minutes of personal time with the Lord (some days are 1 minute of scripture study and 29 minutes of prayer, some days are 29 minutes of scripture study and 1 minute of prayer).
8. She needs to know and find a way to believe for herself that this has nothing to do with her (this is the hardest!!!). She cannot fix it, she could not have prevented it. It was his choice.
9. Go to counseling – do not skip this step! Call LDS Family Services or other qualified counselors and get right in to counseling. (Now 3 years from the time I wrote this I cannot stress this one enough!  Individual and marriage counseling is vital.) This may not be covered by your insurance but is worth every penny.
10. Recognize the hand of the Lord in your life every day, the application of his atoning sacrifice, the reality of his grace and savor the moments of peace. They will come.
11. Get back into everyday life as early as possible, especially for the kids. Depending on the age of the kids, tell them just as much as they need to know. They don’t need to know the gory details, but they do need to learn that everyone makes mistakes, the reality of the atonement and they need to KNOW what a horrible monster pornography is. They need to decide at a young age that they will leave it alone, run from it, feel toward it as though it were a dangerous, poisonous snake that would strike at them to kill if they got the tiniest bit close to it.
12. Don’t let Satan win. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Every time he puts an image into your mind he is saying how stupid you are, how weak you are and “Just watch, I can have you. I did before and I can have you again so easily. Just watch.” Don’t let him win.
13. Realize that this is not a one time, easy or quick fix. This will be a lifelong battle where you must be fortified every day.
14. Have courage. Believe him. Believe that he can truly change you if you will let him. Remember what Paul said to the Corinthians 5:17-19 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.” Believe that he has power to do this, to make you a new creature. Both of you.
15. Visit and use the resources on  http://addictionrecovery.lds.org  –an LDS Church sponsored website.
16. Know that you are not alone. You are not the first couple to go through this and you won’t be the last. Satan’s plan is to destroy your family, to damage your heart, to grasp your children and destroy the good that they will do in their future lives. Do not let him win. Get through the pain, it is possible. It will not seem possible for a while, but give it some time. Christ came for this. He came for you.
17. Know that you are loved. By your husband, your family, your friends, your Savior, your God.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell, when struggling with his cancer, gave the following inspiration on hope:

“Real hope keeps us ‘anxiously engaged’ in good causes even when these appear to be losing causes on the mortal scoreboard. Likewise, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination—not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to ‘endure … well’ to the end.”

So, that is my advice from the first two weeks.  I agree with it still and I can’t believe I had the presence of mind to write it!  I was a mess! 

Now, three years later my top 16 are:

1. Ecclesiastical Support
2. Prayer
3. Personal Scripture Study
4. Counseling (medication if needed - I needed it!)
5. Support Groups - Go to meetings!  Go to meetings! Go to meetings!
6. Daily work your own program (12 Steps)
7. Keep a journal
8. Know of your great worth
9. Educate yourself
10. Believe in yourself
11. Believe in hope
12. Don't run faster than you have strength
13. Have courage
14. Know that you are not alone
15. Practice "Self Care" (Click on "Self Care" and then scroll down on the page it takes you to.  It is below the picture.)
16. Let feelings pass.  Anger, hurt, fear, doubt are feelings, not answers.  When they come in the big monstrous waves that they do...hold on...they will pass.

Through all of this we come to know our Savior in a way that we never did before.  We believe that we truly are daughters of God and that he loves us.  We know of our divinity and our infinite worth and we have the ability to reach out and share that knowledge with others.  We can rely on the precious gift of the Atonement to lift and take away our burdens, to heal our deep wounds and strengthen us.  And we can see how the Atonement can do this for others too.

Oh, and did I mention GO TO MEETINGS! GO TO MEETINGS!  GO TO MEETINGS!!  :)

To find an ARP meeting click HERE.

There are many resources on this blog.  The one that helped me the very most (other than scriptures and articles on lds.org) is salifeline.org and the book "Understanding Pornography".  (If it is out of stock, scroll down, there is a free PDF) It has a huge section of questions and answers about pornography (which is really sex addiction).  I didn't even know what questions to ask, so it was very helpful. 

My friend, here is a great big HUG!  Sure wish I could be there in person to give it to you.  Just know, you have a friend here.
***An additional resource: For Parents & Leaders (really stuff EVERYONE should know.)

Learning From The Past

20 years ago we were living in Texas, I had 3 kids and no idea that I was married to a pornography addict.  A new woman moved into my ward (LDS Church congregation) with 4 small children.  She moved in to her sister's home after having just gone through a divorce.  Her children were the same ages as mine, so I invited them all over for a play date.  Through the course of the day she told me her story.

Met her returned missionary husband, married in the temple, after some years she discovered that he was doing pornography.  She tried to work with him and finally it came down to a choice that she gave him.  Choose the porn or choose your family.  He chose the porn. 

I felt horrible.  I couldn't understand how this could happen at all, especially to someone that had made the right choices herself.  She then said to me, "Susan, you need to ask Jeff about pornography."  Snidely I thought to myself, "Oh yeah.  I'll get right on that."  But I told her that I would.  We finished the play date and I was very uneasy, smiling on the outside and on the inside thinking, "How dare you.  How dare you come into my home and accuse my husband of this.  Just because your life is falling apart doesn't mean that mine is!"

Yeah.  I'm not proud of that moment.  I call that my "Snotty Self-righteous Self".  Sadly I do not remember ever having that woman over to my home again.  I do not remember any other conversations with her.  I selfishly moved on.

When Jeff came home that night, since I had promised her that I would talk to him, I did.  However, I did it in a very unproductive way.  This is what I said, "You will never believe what happened today!" and I told him about the conversation.  Then I said, "Thank heavens that is something we will never have to deal with, will we."  I said it as a statement, not a question. Unsafe.  He just looked down and mumbled, "Mmm hmmm." If there was a moment that he wanted to tell me about his addiction, he wouldn't have chosen this one because I just made it unsafe.  But I didn't know that.  I thought I was supporting him.  I thought I was showing him how much faith that I had in his good choices and that he wasn't "that type" of person.  I thought he was responding with compassion and felt sorry for the family.  It never occurred to me that he was hiding something himself.

I've taken myself back to that moment countless times in the last 3 years.  Wondering what would have happened if I had handled things differently.  Wishing that I could have not been my "Snotty Self-righteous Self" and compassionately, without judgment, opened up to this sister that was so in need.  Sadly I cannot even remember her name, but I wish I could find her and tell her that I am so sorry.

Since I cannot go back and change things that happened in that moment, I can move forward and learn from it.  Today I opened the Gospel Library (app on www.lds.org) and found the General Conference that was given at that time.  Spring 1995.  I wondered if there were things there that could have prepared me had I allowed myself to be prepared to hear Jeff's confession.  Yep.  Lots.

The Power to Heal from Within by Merrill J. Bateman
Living Water to Quench Spiritual Thirst by Joseph B. Wirthlin
Covenant of Love by Aileen H Clyde
Search for Identity by Monte J. Brough
....to name a few.

But the one that spoke to me the most is:
Answers to Life's Questions by M. Russell Ballard

In this he said, "We tend to think of agency as a personal matter.  If we ask someone to define 'moral agency,' the answer will probably be something like this: 'Moral agency means I am free to make choices for myself,'  Often overlooked is the fact that choices have consequences; we forget also that agency offers the same privilege of choice to others.  At times we will be affected adversely by the way other people choose to exercise their agency.  Our Heavenly Father feels so strongly about protecting our agency that he allows his children to exercise it, either for good or evil."

This is one of those things that I "knew" but I didn't internalize and "know".  I hadn't had any really adverse experiences with being directly affected by someone I loved misusing their agency.

Elder Ballard went on to say, "By focusing on and living the principles of Heavenly Father's plan for our eternal happiness, we can separate ourselves from the wickedness of the world.  If we are anchored to the correct understanding of who we are, why we are here on this earth, and where we can go after this mortal life, Satan cannot threaten our happiness through any form of temptation.  If we are determined to live by Heavenly Father's plan, we will use our God-given moral agency to make decisions based on revealed truth, not on the opinions of others or on the current thinking of the world."

I love any quote that teaches ways that we can be protected from the adversary.  This is one of them, and it is always the same foundation...faith, repentance, forgiveness, obedience, grace, mercy and love.